I Hate You For Making Me Feel Feel It Was All My Fault

Para o meu Favorito Monstro,

I wish I could say I don’t feel a thing toward you. I wish I could say you can’t get to me anymore, but, unfortunately, I’m not one of those women who can find the strength to forgive their abusers in order to move on.

I don’t forgive you and I can’t let go of the things you did to me. I still get shivers when I remember the things you did to me and the things I let you do to me. I hate you for it.

Even though I know better now, I’m going to ask myself for the rest of my life why I wasn’t good enough.

I still wonder if I’m ever going to be able to shake the feeling that all of it is my fault and if I’m ever going to stop apologizing for the things I am not guilty of.

Fizeste-me sentir completamente inútil. Arruinaste-me emocionalmente ao fazeres-te de vítima das circunstâncias que criaste e fazendo-me sentir como se eu fosse o monstro.

You blamed me for you going out and drinking every night. It was my fault you showed up late, smelling of another woman’s perfume.

Because if I had been good enough, you would’ve never done something like that.

You made me out to be a lunatic whenever I wanted to know where you’d been. Fizeste-me sentir como se eu fosse a louca quando expliquei que nunca passávamos tempo juntos, que eu já não era a tua prioridade, e disseste que a culpa era minha quando deixaste de me amar.

And then, after you’d said your fair share of words that cut my heart like knives, you’d leave and I’d stay sobbing on the floor, asking myself how I got there.

The truth is, you came across as a truly nice person and that’s why I held on so long. I held on and held on and I couldn’t let go until there was only letting go left.

Até Acabei num pesadelo, one from which I couldn’t wake up. The worst part of that nightmare was the fact that the monster who haunted me was actually the man I loved.

Nobody ever told me that monsters are real. Nobody ever told me that they look like people. Nobody warned me you’d turn into a monster the minute I fell for you.

But that was how the things needed to develop so that you’d have so much power over me. You needed me to love you in order for you to be able to have me under your feet, incapable of getting up.

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I am so mad at myself for being so nice, for apologizing for the things I didn’t do, for making you my life, for being dependent on you, for wasting my time on you, for forgiving you and missing you when you weren’t around and allowing you to get back with me whenever you wanted, even though I knew better.

 

 

I deserved better than being ignored, better than being someone’s punching bag, better than being manipulated and I deserved better than you.

I tried to show you how much the things you did to me hurt, but I couldn’t. You never let me.

But if I had been to able to show you how much you hurt me, you’d have never had the courage to look me in the eye again. Maybe that was the main reason you never wanted to hear how I felt.

Talvez seja por isso que nunca me deixaste contar-te as coisas que me fizeste.

Disse-me que eu era culpado de tudo e que tinha sido eu a pedi-las. You told me I shouldn’t have been so sensitive or stupid or naive. You left me emotionally drained, confused and feeling useless. Each time you came after me, I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I ever did was right and I was blamed for all your mistakes.

A parte feia é que eu queria que fosses meu. Queria-te, apesar de saber o quanto me doía estar contigo. Alistei-me para ser torturado, porque tinha demasiado medo de te perder.

Tinha medo de te perder até que alguém me fez perceber que nem tudo o que perco é uma perda. E perder-te não foi uma perda. Foi uma felicidade.

Nunca me senti tão poderoso como quando me libertei das tuas correntes. Nunca me senti tão perdido como quando fiquei sem ti porque não havia ninguém para me dizer o que fazer.

Despite that, I had never felt more free in my entire life. I was drained and lost and scared, but I knew that no matter what happened to me from that point, it couldn’t be any worse than what I’d already been through.

Sei que todos temos de aprender algumas lições na vida e tu, meu querido monstro, foram a lição muito pior que alguma vez me aconteceu. Arrependo-me muito desta lição e sinto-me envergonhado por ter permitido que fizesses de mim o teu fantoche durante tanto tempo.

Mas já chega. Não há mais.

The monster in you created somebody so strong that you can’t even wrap your head around it. Even though I get shivers from flashbacks of the times when we were together, I am not afraid of you.

You can’t blame me for anything anymore. You can’t torture me and you can’t bring me down.

Esta rapariga acordou do seu pior pesadelo. Já não tens poder sobre mim.

Tem uma vida boa e muito distanciada, longe de mim,
De "The One That Got Away".