Quem é Esther Perel e porque é que as suas dicas e ideias sobre relacionamentos são tendência no TikTok?

Se andou a percorrer o TikTok nos últimos dias, deve ter-se deparado com os vídeos de Esther Perel a falar sobre relações.

Sei que ela me fez questionar tudo o que eu pensava saber sobre o amor e as relações.

But let me give you a brief intro for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.

Informação de base

Esther Perel é uma psicoterapeuta belga e especialista em relações. Entre outras coisas, ela aborda duas necessidades humanas aparentemente conflituosas: a necessidade de segurança e a necessidade de liberdade.

De facto, foi a exploração do paradoxo central do amor que a tornou famosa.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals.”

Mas não foi por isso que ela começou a ser popular.

A few days ago, TheMindHub posted several short clips of Esthel’s 2017 interview on the Scandinavian talk show Skavlan, where the expert explains the psychology behind cheating, breaks the “one and only” myth, and gives us some hard truths about romantic love.

Ever since TheMindHub revived the interview, the hashtag with the therapist’s name has reached 19,2M views. And the numbers continue to grow.

So, what’s so special about Esther Perel’s views on relationships?

A ideia de uma pessoa para sempre

Aqui está um comprimido difícil de engolir: you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with one person. The concept of “one and only” is outdated and doesn’t work so well in practice.

@themindhub Do you believe in the “one and only”?#EstherPerel #Skavlan #psicologia #psicólogo 1TP5Relacionamento 1TP5Conselhos de relacionamento #love #foryoupage #fyp #fypシ ♬ Twenty One Pilots Hometown Slowed Sad Part – Blasteran MaLaikat

Many argue against this opinion. But if you look at everything around you, you’ll see that Esther couldn’t be more right.

Of course, nobody is forbidding you from being with the same person “‘till death do you part.” She isn’t saying you can’t love one person for life – she is just stating that for many couples, love runs out sooner or later.

That’s why in modern society, we marry “until love dies.” And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

After all, it’s much better to end your marriage instead of growing old in a loveless relationship.

You have to admit that the concept of monogamy really has changed. Now it means, “one person at a time” (vs. “one person for an entire life”).

O tempo voa, crescemos como pessoas e as normas sociais também mudam.

Basically, what Esther is telling you is to enjoy the moment. Let people be special to you at this exact moment – that’s more than enough.

Porque é que fazemos batota?

@themindhub A verdadeira razão pela qual as pessoas traem #EstherPerel #Skavlan #psicologia #psicólogo 1TP5Relacionamento 1TP5Conselhos de relacionamento #erapia #love #foryoupage #fyp #fypシ ♬ Twenty One Pilots Hometown Slowed Sad Part – Blasteran MaLaikat

Those who criticize Esther’s point of view might say that she is justifying cheating. Well, she’s definitely not – she’s just explaining the psicologia que lhe está subjacente.

Being unfaithful is about desire – not about the sex itself. In fact, an emotional affair that is all about desire can sometimes be more dangerous for a relationship than physical infidelity.

And what is this desire about? It’s about feeling wanted again.

It’s about proving to yourself that you can draw someone’s attention. It’s about all the things people feel deprived of in their primary relationships.

Sim, em muitos casos, a traição tem a ver com a cura de um ego quebrado.

Basicamente, ela afirma que the underlying reason for cheating is our pursuit of something we’re missing – either in our relationship or in ourselves.

“Often, when you’re attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person that you are with. But it is because you want to leave the person that you have yourself become.

And it isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.”

Compatibilidade em vez de amor?

@diario_tao ♥️ #estherperel #loveadvice 1TP5Objectivos de relacionamento 1TP5Conselhos de relacionamento #reallove #reallovestory ♬ original sound – Jessie Ася Kanzer ☯️

Here is another piece of relationship wisdom from Esther Perel: there is much more to life than loving another person. No, she isn’t saying that romantic love isn’t important for a happy life.

Pelo contrário, afirma que a qualidade das nossas relações determina a qualidade da nossa vida.

A Esther só quer que deixes de romantizar as borboletas e a excitação de estar apaixonado.

Por muito boa que seja esta sensação, há histórias de amor incríveis que nunca se transformaram em histórias para toda a vida.

You can’t build a life with someone just because you share incredible chemistry. It’s romantic in theory, but in practice, life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

It’s about paying your mortgage, going through family emergencies, dealing with health problems, co-parenting, fighting financial battles…

No final do dia, o seu parceiro de vida tem de ser alguém com quem se dê bem. Deve ser alguém com quem partilhe os mesmos objectivos e visões de mundo semelhantes.

Então, será que Esther põe a compatibilidade à frente do amor? Ou será que todos nós sempre tivemos uma ideia errada do que é o amor?

Do you agree with Esther’s views? Give me your thoughts on the matter.