Sobreviver e prosperar depois de uma rutura grave

Quando estamos numa relação com alguém que amamos, por vezes perdemo-nos. What “I” need suddenly gets taken over by what “we” need . . . well, let’s be honest, by what “he” needs. This can be good in a healthy relationship . . . putting the other person’s needs before our own. But in a bad relationship, this can become unhealthy.

What happens, then, if your lover decides to leave you? You may become desperate. Why, why, WHY would he want to leave you when your whole world revolves around him? You might try anything to get him to stay. You may think, “If he only knew how much I love him, he wouldn’t leave.” Or, you may begin begging him to stay, making promises to give him even more than you already do. Or you may get angry, telling him you don’t love him and never have.

Algum destes cenários parece-lhe familiar?

These are natural reactions, but do they help? Unfortunately, no. The harder we try to keep our lover from leaving us, the more anxious he is to leave. Our only choice is to let him go. I know, this is not what you were hoping to hear. Sadly, I don’t have a magic wand to wave that will make it all better. (I don’t have a golden pumpkin either.)

What now? As my therapist used to say, “Take a bathtub moment.” Crawl into a warm bath, and cry your eyes out. You will need more than one of these. Rinse and repeat.

Your first task is to grieve. Yuck. I know. No one wants to grieve. However, if you don’t, your grief will come back to haunt you later. “We don’t bury our feelings dead, we bury them alive.” We think they are buried and gone, but they will rear their ugly little heads later. Perhaps, at your best friend’s wedding you will begin sobbing uncontrollably. Not a good look for a bridesmaid. Perhaps when you are giving a presentation at work to your boss, her boss and her boss, you break down. Not a way to move up the ladder. Confia em mim.

What does purposeful grieving look like? This will look different for each person. Some will crawl into bed, and stay there for three days. Others will want to journal their feelings. Still others might take long walks, or sob on their best friend’s shoulder. Whatever works for you, do it. If you feel yourself falling into a serious depression (feeling depressed every moment for more than two weeks), seek some counseling—you might need an anti-depressant for a while. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, allowing yourself to feel the pain will make it go away faster in the long run.

Grieving will take longer than you want it to. But, doing nothing but grieving is not a good way to move on. Neither is hooking up with your hot next-door neighbor. Finding a new man right away might feel good, but it is not good. It will only distract you from your pain for a time; remember . . . feelings are buried alive. Your buried grief at the loss of your first man won’t endear you to a second.

So, besides grieving, which let’s admit it will suck, what else can you do? Try some self-care. Begin doing things you like to do that maybe you stopped doing while you were with your lover. Do you like eating vegetarian, but he loved steak? Do you like to watch sappy romances, while he only wanted to watch action films? Was he a night owl, and you are an early bird? Try to remember the things you loved to do before you met him, and begin doing them. Reconnect with (girl) friends you might have dropped when he came along.

Para além deste autocuidado emocional, faça alguns cuidados físicos. O exercício físico pode aliviar a depressão. Talvez nunca tenha sido um corredor de maratona, mas pode dar uma volta ao quarteirão. Talvez em tempos tenha gostado de fazer ioga no ginásio, mas o seu amante sempre quis que levantasse pesos com ele. Sair à rua ou estar perto de outras pessoas que pensam da mesma maneira e fazer algum exercício físico vai realmente levantar o seu espírito.

Don’t pig out on potato chips or chocolate or alcohol. This won’t elevate your mood in the long run. Stepping on the scale to see you’ve gained 10 pounds, or waking up with a raging hangover won’t help. Be kind to your body . . . it has been through a lot, too! Eat healthy food, exercise, and make sure you get a yearly check-up with a doctor, or see the doctor if you get sick.

Uma outra coisa que pode ajudar muito, surpreendentemente, é fazer voluntariado para ajudar os outros. Sair de si próprio pode fazer maravilhas por si. Ajudar alguém que tem uma vida mais difícil do que a sua pode ajudá-lo a pôr os seus problemas em perspetiva. Por quem é que tem um coração? Os sem-abrigo? Seja voluntário numa missão de salvamento local. Os idosos? Sabia que muitos residentes de lares de idosos nunca recebem visitas? As crianças? Tente fazer voluntariado na sua escola pública local, na aula de catequese da igreja ou num programa comunitário pós-escolar.

Quais são as outras vantagens do voluntariado? Poderá conhecer novos amigos que são apaixonados pela mesma causa. O voluntariado pode também dar origem a empregos remunerados, quer porque os que lá trabalham vêem a sua dedicação à sua população, quer porque pode conhecer e impressionar pessoas que lhe oferecerão um emprego noutro local.

Depois de ter feito todo este trabalho para recuperar a sua vida, o seu ex-amante pode vir a espreitar de novo. O facto de ser forte, saber o que quer e cuidar de si pode parecer-lhe muito atraente. Pergunte a si própria ... quer mesmo que ele volte, ou está melhor sem ele?

A decisão é vossa.

por Caroline Abbott