Sobrevivir y prosperar tras una mala ruptura

Cuando estamos en una relación con alguien a quien amamos, a veces nos perdemos. What “I” need suddenly gets taken over by what “we” need . . . well, let’s be honest, by what “he” needs. This can be good in a healthy relationship . . . putting the other person’s needs before our own. But in a bad relationship, this can become unhealthy.

What happens, then, if your lover decides to leave you? You may become desperate. Why, why, WHY would he want to leave you when your whole world revolves around him? You might try anything to get him to stay. You may think, “If he only knew how much I love him, he wouldn’t leave.” Or, you may begin begging him to stay, making promises to give him even more than you already do. Or you may get angry, telling him you don’t love him and never have.

¿Le suena familiar alguna de estas situaciones?

These are natural reactions, but do they help? Unfortunately, no. The harder we try to keep our lover from leaving us, the more anxious he is to leave. Our only choice is to let him go. I know, this is not what you were hoping to hear. Sadly, I don’t have a magic wand to wave that will make it all better. (I don’t have a golden pumpkin either.)

What now? As my therapist used to say, “Take a bathtub moment.” Crawl into a warm bath, and cry your eyes out. You will need more than one of these. Rinse and repeat.

Your first task is to grieve. Yuck. I know. No one wants to grieve. However, if you don’t, your grief will come back to haunt you later. “We don’t bury our feelings dead, we bury them alive.” We think they are buried and gone, but they will rear their ugly little heads later. Perhaps, at your best friend’s wedding you will begin sobbing uncontrollably. Not a good look for a bridesmaid. Perhaps when you are giving a presentation at work to your boss, her boss and her boss, you break down. Not a way to move up the ladder. Confía en mí.

What does purposeful grieving look like? This will look different for each person. Some will crawl into bed, and stay there for three days. Others will want to journal their feelings. Still others might take long walks, or sob on their best friend’s shoulder. Whatever works for you, do it. If you feel yourself falling into a serious depression (feeling depressed every moment for more than two weeks), seek some counseling—you might need an anti-depressant for a while. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, allowing yourself to feel the pain will make it go away faster in the long run.

Grieving will take longer than you want it to. But, doing nothing but grieving is not a good way to move on. Neither is hooking up with your hot next-door neighbor. Finding a new man right away might feel good, but it is not good. It will only distract you from your pain for a time; remember . . . feelings are buried alive. Your buried grief at the loss of your first man won’t endear you to a second.

So, besides grieving, which let’s admit it will suck, what else can you do? Try some self-care. Begin doing things you like to do that maybe you stopped doing while you were with your lover. Do you like eating vegetarian, but he loved steak? Do you like to watch sappy romances, while he only wanted to watch action films? Was he a night owl, and you are an early bird? Try to remember the things you loved to do before you met him, and begin doing them. Reconnect with (girl) friends you might have dropped when he came along.

Además de este autocuidado emocional, haga lo siguiente algo de autocuidado físico. El ejercicio puede aliviar la depresión. Quizá nunca fuiste corredor de maratón, pero puedes dar una vuelta a la manzana. Quizá antes te gustaba el yoga en el gimnasio, pero tu amante siempre quería que levantaras pesas con él. Salir al aire libre, o rodearte de personas con ideas afines y hacer algo de ejercicio físico te levantará el ánimo de verdad.

Don’t pig out on potato chips or chocolate or alcohol. This won’t elevate your mood in the long run. Stepping on the scale to see you’ve gained 10 pounds, or waking up with a raging hangover won’t help. Be kind to your body . . . it has been through a lot, too! Eat healthy food, exercise, and make sure you get a yearly check-up with a doctor, or see the doctor if you get sick.

Otra cosa que, sorprendentemente, puede ayudar mucho es ofrecerse voluntario para ayudar a los demás. Salir de ti mismo puede hacer maravillas. Ayudar a alguien que tiene una vida más dura que la tuya puede ayudarte a relativizar tus problemas. ¿Por quién sientes compasión? ¿A los sin techo? Hazte voluntario en la misión de rescate local. ¿A los ancianos? ¿Sabías que muchos residentes de residencias de ancianos nunca reciben visitas? ¿A los niños? Hazte voluntario en la escuela pública de tu localidad, en la clase de la escuela dominical de tu iglesia o en el programa extraescolar de tu comunidad.

¿Cuáles son otros beneficios del voluntariado? Puede que conozcas a nuevos amigos que sienten pasión por la misma causa. El voluntariado también puede conducir a empleos remunerados, bien porque quienes trabajan allí ven tu dedicación a su población, bien porque podrías conocer e impresionar a personas que te ofrecerán un trabajo en otro lugar.

Una vez que hayas hecho todo este trabajo para recuperar tu vida, es posible que tu ex-amante vuelva a husmear. El hecho de que seas fuerte, sepas lo que quieres y cuides de ti misma puede parecerle muy atractivo. Pregúntate... ¿realmente quieres que vuelva o estás mejor sin él?

La decisión es suya.

por Caroline Abbott