6 dicas sobre como namorar alguém com problemas de abandono
Muito provavelmente, alguém de quem gosta foi magoado no passado. Alguém que amas e queres ajudar tem uma marca profunda do passado e carrega-a constantemente, mesmo agora no presente, e tu queres ajudar.
You wonder how I know you want to help? If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article now, would you?
Now that we have that covered, let’s talk about the things you need to know in order to understand the state of mind of the person you’re trying to help.
Abandonment issues are not something that’s observed as an illness, but they most definitely are huge problems we too often neglect. We don’t really take them seriously until we enter a relationship with somebody and all the issues start projecting in that relationship.
What many people fail to understand is the fact that abandonment issues aren’t only associated with parental abandonment.
They can also be consequences of parental neglect, the death of someone really close to that person, the pain of loneliness after a best friend has moved away, and most frequently, they’re consequences of being rejected by someone he or she loved.
Este é o tipo de cicatrizes que usamos durante muito tempo, sem nos apercebermos de que temos problemas em primeiro lugar.
We keep rushing through life without taking a minute to see if we’re actually feeling fine and doing what we should be doing.
No início, quando entramos numa relação, temos tendência para ver tudo através de óculos cor-de-rosa.
Somos incapazes de reparar apenas nas coisas giras que uma pessoa faz por nós, mas quando as borboletas que nos andam sempre a voar no estômago acabam por desaparecer, a realidade aparece.
Depois de tirarmos os nossos óculos cor-de-rosa, os sinais de problemas de abandono e ansiedade na relação might be displayed clearly, and only then we’re able to notice the behavior of the person that has a fear of abandonment.
Uma pessoa com problemas de abandono irá muito provavelmente projetar os seus medos através de ciúmes extremos ou de um comportamento pegajoso numa relação romântica.
(S)he will have the tendency to pretend they don’t care about somebody when they, in reality, do.
Also, it’s common for people with abandonment issues to reject their partners before their partner rejects them.
Because of the fear of being abandoned, they choose to abandon first and “save” themselves from another painful, life event.
Outra forma de detetar a pessoa com problemas de abandono é observar a pessoa que está a tentar desesperadamente fazer muitos amigos para nunca estar sozinha.
A insegurança extrema e a subestimação constante serão também características fortes da pessoa que tem medo de ser abandonada.
The ultimate sign of one’s abandonment issues are anxiety and depression, and how many people do you know who are struggling with depression and anxiety?
Todas as características da pessoa que tem problemas de abandono são o resultado de cuidados físicos ou emocionais inadequados.
Em algum momento, as pessoas que lutam com o medo do abandono foram deixadas sozinhas nos momentos em que realmente precisavam de alguém para lhes segurar a mão enquanto atravessavam as tempestades que a vida lhes enviava.
Don’t be mistaken—sometimes a person with abandonment issues won’t put his feelings on display.
Pode ser a pessoa mais barulhenta da sala, o maior maníaco de festas ou até a pessoa que ri mais alto no seu círculo de amigos. É preciso olhar para além da máscara para ver a verdadeira pessoa.
Sabes, podias simplesmente ir embora. Podias poupar-te e ir embora.
Poupe todo o esforço e trabalho que é necessário para entrar numa relação com alguém que tem problemas de abandono.
Podias acabar com isto antes de começar e ir viver a tua vida. Ninguém vai usar isso contra ti ou julgar-te.
A última coisa de que uma pessoa com problemas de abandono precisa é que a abandone logo quando se habituou a tê-la por perto.
But if you’re not a quitter, you really care for the person that has abandonment issues, and you want to make things work between the two of you, you need to know how what it takes to get you two comfortable around each other.
Ver também: 10 sinais de que você está namorando um homem quebrado
O primeiro passo em ajudar alguém com problemas de abandono é, na verdade, reconhecer o problema. Se quer namorar uma pessoa que tem medo de ser abandonada, tem de a fazer abrir-se consigo. Ela precisa de lhe contar o que realmente aconteceu na sua vida para que possa ver as raízes originais desses medos.
A segunda etapa in helping somebody with abandonment issues is making that somebody comfortable to talk openly with you. Once the person has shared the story of what happened in his life that made him like that, you’ll be able to talk about it whenever the problem between the two of you pops out.
If he gets too clingy or if the jealousy starts swimming to the surface, you’ll have all the freedom to mention what happened in his past and remind him not to project it on your relationship.
A terceira etapa is helping the person with abandonment issues to develop more positive reactions and realistic expectations for his life. If you’re dating somebody with abandonment issues, you must know by now that they tend to see many things negatively and pessimistically. He also tends to set unrealistic expectations in his life, and this is all because he once expected something and it didn’t really go as he planned.
He expected somebody to be there for him. He expected the people closest to him to care, and they didn’t.
Therefore, he got lost. And you’re the only one that cares enough to help him get his life back on track.
A quarta etapa is helping the person with the fear of abandonment to develop the ability to minimize the way fear controls his emotional response to the current relationship. You’ll have to remind him that you’re not the one he needs to be afraid of. You’re not the one that left him, and you’re not the one that’s going to leave.
O quinto passo O objetivo de ajudar a pessoa com problemas de abandono é pô-la à vontade para comunicar com sucesso as suas necessidades numa relação íntima. De facto, ambos terão de dizer um ao outro o que precisam e da forma correcta.
This is different from the second step because in the second step, you’re making each other comfortable to talk about your past in the first place, and now you’re getting comfortable to share each other’s needs. For example, he’ll tell you when he is feeling threatened by that guy and that he needs you to stop hanging so much with him, and you’ll be able to tell him that you need him to stop being so clingy in order to gain back your ‘me’ time.
E o sexto passo in helping your partner overcome his abandonment fears in order for you to have a healthy and functional relationship is building your partner’s confidence. When you date somebody, you get full insights into his insecurities and as you could’ve guessed, a person with abandonment issues has a lot of those.
Ver também: 5 dicas fantásticas sobre como namorar um homem emocionalmente magoado
If your partner has fears of being abandoned, it means his confidence is on a really low level. He won’t be able to build it up alone—he is going to need your help.
Tu é que tens de lhe mostrar que ele não tem nada a recear.
You’re the one that needs to constantly remind him what an amazing and caring person he is and how he needs to trust himself a little bit more.
Once you help him overcome this and build his self-confidence, it’s going to be like you’re dating a reborn version of your partner.
There will be no more projecting his fears. There will be no more fights because he is jealous. You’ll be finally able to breathe in that relationship.
It won’t be easy. It’s going to require a lot of work. It’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be painful, and many times you’ll think about giving up.
Quando isto acontecer, em vez de desistir, tente lembrar-se porque é que decidiu ajudar.
When this happens, think about where you want to be and how far have you come. And don’t give up. Because it’s going to pay off in the end.
Thanks to you, thanks to your care and your devotion, you’re going to get both of you and your relationship to a healthy level where you’ll be able to live your life to the fullest.
You’ll get to the level where nothing will be holding back nor your love or your life. And if this final goal isn’t worth your effort, I don’t know what is.
