8 estágios de cura depois de escapar do Gaslighting

Não tenho vergonha de o dizer, já não tenho. Fui emocionalmente abusada. Fui enganada todos os dias na minha relação infernal.

Ele esforçou-se tanto para me convencer todos os dias de que eu é que era a louca. Mudou objectos de lugar no apartamento e convenceu-me de que tinha sido eu.

He told stories about me, about things which I’d never done and he convinced me that I had done but I was too embarrassed so I buried them deep inside my mind.

He isolated me from all of my friends so I don’t get any support whatsoever. He apologized, although he never meant it; it was just to get me back into the relationship.

And if that didn’t work, he insulted me and put me down. He wanted me to feel insignificant. He needed that to control me.

Negou a minha realidade. Menosprezava-me e fazia-me duvidar de mim próprio. Dizia sempre que ele tinha razão e que eu estava errada.

Ele disse que eu precisava de confiar nele porque o meu discernimento era fraco. Que eu era louca e precisava de ajuda e que ele estava lá para ajudar.

O seu abuso era perfeitamente único. Os iluminação artificial era a forma perfeita de me controlar e abusar emocionalmente de mim.

Conseguiu mudar a minha visão do mundo, o meu sentido de identidade e a minha crença em mim próprio.

I ended up questioning everything and everyone. I didn’t have a voice of my own and even when it appeared, I’d silence it because I didn’t trust it. I didn’t trust myself.

I couldn’t make the simplest choices. I couldn’t decide what was right and what was wrong.

Estava traumatizada e precisava de encontrar uma saída.

I wish I could tell you that I found a clear solution to finding peace at last but I didn’t.

Lutei e cada dia era mais difícil do que o anterior.

But the one thing I can tell you is the fact that you’ve realized you’ve fallen too deep into the pit and that you need help is the best start you could wish for.

Healing from gaslighting is a terribly bumpy road. I’ve had ups and downs but along the way, I rediscovered myself.

I remember who I used to be and I’ve probably learned so much more than I ever would have if it wasn’t for my complete breakdown.

I can’t tell you what to do exactly or how to heal and forget about the pain. No one could tell me either. But I can show you how I rediscovered myself.

Posso contar-vos algumas coisas inesperadas que, ao longo do caminho, me ajudaram a reerguer-me.

Fugi para o mais longe que pude do meu acendedor de lampiões

This can be horrific. Some people have to cut off family bonds, some people need to move away. I had to go no contact. And you may think it’s an easy thing to do.

One should think it’s perfectly logical. If someone causes you pain, you leave them.

But you can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to leave someone who has made you believe you’re emotionally and physically dependent on him.

You’re scared to make a move without that person. You’re scared that he was right all along and you’re not going to make it without him.

Admiti para mim próprio que fui abusado

Deixei de fugir da realidade. Enfrentei a coisa horrível que me aconteceu.

Disse a mim própria que tinha sido vítima de abuso emocional e que me tinham enganado, levando-me a pensar que estava louca.

Não havia nada de errado comigo e a culpa nunca foi minha. A minha visão do mundo estava errada e os meus sentimentos estavam distorcidos.

A minha mente tinha sido enganada e eu precisava de aceitar isso.

Permiti-me cometer erros

Depois de o deixar, precisava de ter a certeza de que tudo o que fiz estava certo. Significava muito para mim.

Because when you’ve been trapped in a relationship where your abuser is constantly telling you you’re no good, you’re incompetent, that you don’t do anything right, it takes its toll on you.

Começa-se a acreditar nela.

Mas todos cometemos erros e era impossível para mim fazer tudo corretamente.

Assim, passado algum tempo, apercebi-me de que a minha necessidade de fazer tudo na perfeição não era mais do que o resultado de um trauma.

Making mistakes was the most humane thing I could do. I accepted it and it taught me that it’s perfectly fine to make mistakes.

It doesn’t make me special, it doesn’t make me stand out from the rest of the world. I was just like everyone else. I was human.

Permiti-me sentir

Quando se deixa um relação emocionalmente abusiva, you feel relieved, maybe even happy. But that feeling doesn’t last for long.

Ainda há anos de dor, raiva e frustração escondidos atrás dessa falsa aparência de felicidade.

It takes a lot of time to deal with all those emotions that haunt you still because you’re not over them yet.

You’ve not fully accepted all the pain you’ve felt or why, because of him.

Fiz as minhas próprias escolhas

I had no clue what was right and what was wrong and I couldn’t make a decision. Whichever road I took, it seemed wrong.

It’s because I didn’t trust myself.

Since I didn’t have a voice of my own in the relationship, I didn’t even know what it was exactly that I wanted, which made the decision-making process even harder.

Decidi acabar com isso e comecei com pequenas coisas. Comecei a tomar pequenas decisões, como a hora de ir para a cama ou o que vestir para uma reunião.

No início, era assustador. Tinha sempre a certeza de que tinha feito a escolha errada.

Mas, passado algum tempo, todas essas pequenas escolhas começaram a saber bem. E, passado algum tempo, era perfeitamente capaz de começar a fazer escolhas maiores e mais importantes.

Decidi pedir ajuda

Só precisava de uma pessoa de confiança com quem falar. Precisava de alguém que me ouvisse. Precisava de apoio. No início, tinha medo de dar este passo.

Porque admitir o abuso emocional significava que eu tinha falhado. Significava que tinha deixado alguém fazer-me de parvo, que tinha deixado alguém humilhar-me.

Mas se tiveres um amigo, um familiar ou se quiseres ajuda profissional, vai ter com eles.

Ajudam-te a lidar com todos esses sentimentos contraditórios que sentes. Ajudam-no a resolver o caos que se passa na sua cabeça.

Abracei as minhas vulnerabilidades

People see strong people as people who don’t take any bullshit from anyone. But that’s not true. Strong women can get abused too.

It’s not a choice you make.

Saying that you’ll never let anyone hit you is not something that depends on you. It depends on the violent side of your relationship.

On the other hand, you don’t even have to be physically abused to call it abuse.

O abuso psicológico, o gaslighting e a negligência são também formas de abuso que são ainda mais difíceis de provar ou ultrapassar.

Por isso, pensei que, devido à minha personalidade simpática, era eu a culpada de ter sido vítima de abuso emocional. Pensava que era demasiado simpática e que deixava as pessoas passarem por cima de mim.

But that is not true. The fact that I’m too nice is not my disadvantage. It’s a personality trait that proves I’m an empath.

Significa que me preocupo com as pessoas.

After being gaslighted, I realized that I have to accept who I am. I decided I wouldn’t be ashamed of being loving or compassionate.

It’s not my fault that I’ve had to deal with an abuser who decided to take advantage of that.

Podia facilmente ter encontrado alguém que gostasse disso em mim, alguém que me valorizasse e me mantivesse segura para o resto da minha vida.

But, this time, I wasn’t that lucky.

I’ve accepted that he is not the last abuser I’m going to meet

It’s possible I’m going to meet another abuser in my life. It’s possible that I’m going to be abused one more time but in a different way.

Maybe this time it’s going to be different and I won’t be able to recognize it.

Emotions are unpredictable and they can be very uncomfortable and it’s easier for me now that I’ve faced the fact it can happen again.

It won’t be as horrible as the first time but at least I’ll know how to find a way out.

A única coisa que sei neste momento é que preciso de ser honesto comigo próprio.

Preciso de ser realista em relação aos meus sentimentos e nunca mais os guardar dentro de mim.

Embrace your truth like I did and don’t focus on being happy all the time. Let time do its thing and in the meantime, discover yourself. Eventually, you’ll heal.