A minha mulher quer divorciar-se: Eis o que fazer (e 8 coisas a evitar)

“I remember her complaining before about some things that made her unhappy, but now my wife wants a divorce!

Never did I think that it would come to this, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do or what to say to her.”

If these or similar thoughts are running through your head at the moment, don’t worry – you’re not alone.

Os problemas matrimoniais são frequentemente ignorados pelos cônjuges e casamento desfeito doesn’t become broken overnight.

The fact that you’ve decided to seek virtual assistance speaks volumes about your determination and will to understand why she wants a divorce and what you can do (or avoid doing) to get your wife back.

Assinar os papéis do divórcio é fácil, mas lutar para salvar um casamento é algo que só um homem a sério faz (assumindo que ainda gosta dela).

Como sempre, antes de chegar ao ponto fulcral e construir uma estratégia, a primeira coisa a fazer é perceber porque é que tudo isto está a acontecer, porque um problema definido é um problema reduzido a metade!

Compreender porque é que a sua mulher quer o divórcio

Há muitas razões possíveis para que, após alguns anos de casamento, um cônjuge comece a pensar em divorciar-se.

Uma relação outrora amorosa transforma-se num pesadelo do qual se quer acordar se o processo de divórcio ou o acordo de custódia não for uma opção para si.

Eis as razões mais possíveis (e comuns) pelas quais a sua mulher pode querer o divórcio:

1. Aborrecimento

O tédio é o inimigo número um quando se trata de qualquer tipo de relação. O processo de aborrecimento é mais ou menos assim:

O ponto alto do vosso dia/semana é relaxar no sofá a ver Netflix, e a única vez que se surpreendem um ao outro é quando acidentalmente deixam a loiça quando é a vossa vez de a lavar.

You can’t remember the last time you did something fun together and you no longer pay attention to the little things that matter (hugging, kissing goodbye, etc.).

And that is when a woman (or both spouses) starts feeling like something is missing, like something is utterly wrong because she’s no longer excited about being married.

Their exciting marriage has fallen into a rut and they’re no longer happy.

Isto é especialmente verdadeiro para as mulheres. É preciso pensar na sua mulher como uma flor.

Para que ela floresça e seja feliz, precisa de lhe dar muito amor, afeto e atenção, e precisa de continuar a persegui-la.

Otherwise, she’ll get bored and she will start thinking about finding those things somewhere else, which is the main reason why she might suggest getting a divorce.

2. Influência externa negativa

Em todos os casamentos, há dois tipos de pressão: interna e externa.

Internal is about what is happening between the two of you in your marriage, whereas external denotes everything that’s happening outside your marriage (which you cannot influence).

For example, a negative external influence would be your spouse’s family member, a friend, or someone close who is not fond of you.

The truth is, we cannot get everyone to like us and there will always be people who will think that we’re not the right choice for their sister, brother, or friend.

Perhaps that’s exactly what’s happening with you at the moment.

If you know that there is someone (or a few of) who doesn’t really like you, chances are they will pressure her to file for divorce.

E há duas razões para isso:

• They think you’re incapable of making her happy and that you’re not good for her

• They want to make you feel bad (because they don’t like you)

Usually, it’s a mix of the two, so they become determined to do anything in their power to convince her that getting a divorce is the right decision.

They convince her that they’re worried about her well-being and so on.

It’s hard to fight against an external influence, but if you’re determined to get her back, you will have to convince her (and not them) that getting a divorce is not the right decision.

Relacionadas: A minha mulher ama-me mas não me deseja: 8 razões para isso e o que fazer

3. Desilusão

Outra razão comum para a sua mulher querer o divórcio é o facto de estar sentir-se desiludido.

Now, disappointment is often connected with the things you haven’t done that you thought that you would, or with something that you promised her but failed to deliver.

A desilusão é uma emoção forte que pode mudar toda a nossa perspetiva sobre alguém que outrora amámos e em quem acreditámos.

So, it’s time to start reminiscing about your marriage and search for any clue of you making promises and disappointing her.

Did you promise her that you would start working on your bad habits, but you didn’t?

Did you tell her that you would spend more of your free time with her, but you didn’t?

Did you promise her that you would help her out with all those household chores, but you didn’t?

Como mulher, posso dizer-vos uma coisa: Quando prometeres algo a uma mulher, ela vai lembrar-se disso.

She will hope that you haven’t forgotten what you said to her and she will wait, until she reaches the point where she won’t wait anymore.

Perhaps your wife has reached that point, so it’s time to ask yourself whether you’ve disappointed her one way or another, because if you have, you will have to redeem yourself (if you don’t want to lose her).

4. Infidelidade

A infidelidade é, sem dúvida, um dos mais poderosos destruidores de um casamento.

It destroys trust, the connection between spouses, and everything they’ve built so far.

Se foi infiel consigo, então provavelmente já sabe a razão pela qual a sua mulher quer o divórcio.

Even if you’ve done it on impulse and you regret doing it, it still cannot be justified.

Dealing with the consequences of infidelity can turn into a painful, long process, but it’s inevitable if you want to get her back.

You need to convince her that you feel terrible for what you’ve done, you need to apologize from the heart, and promise to her that you will give your best to be a better man.

Terá de repetir tudo isto algumas vezes se quiser que ela volte a pensar em confiar em si.

More importantly, you need to show her that she can trust you and that you won’t hurt her again.

If it is her who has been unfaithful, and you suspect that she wants a divorce because she’s in love with another man, there’s not much you can do about it.

You can be the best version of yourself and if she still doesn’t see it, then you probably shouldn’t bother fighting to save your marriage.
São precisos dois para dançar o tango, lembras-te? Também são precisos dois para salvar um casamento.

5. “Lack of love”

O vosso primeiro encontro foi emocionante, a vossa relação foi gratificante e desfrutaram de todos os momentos do vosso casamento.

Era evidente para todos à vossa volta que estavam loucamente apaixonados um pelo outro.

It’s just that romantic energy that you ooze and it is seen in your every word and action.

E depois, chega uma altura em que tudo isto muda subitamente ou desaparece no ar.

She’s acting weird half of the time, you no longer show affection to each other, you don’t say nice things to each other, and you no longer ooze that same romantic energy as before.

A primeira coisa que nos vem à cabeça é: She doesn’t love me anymore. Yup.

The reason why my wife wants a divorce is because she doesn’t love me anymore.

Or perhaps you don’t love her either? Or you think that the real reason for your broken marriage is the lack of love, when it is actually a lack of something else which, whendiscovered, would change the whole situation between the two of you.

Perhaps you need some time and space for yourself to refresh, contemplate your marriage, and start working on finding a solution for the state you’re in.

As you can see, I put the term “Lack of love” in quotations for a reason because this might be true, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.

O aconselhamento matrimonial é um ótimo ponto de partida para o ajudar a perceber se a falta de amor é um problema real no seu casamento ou se é outra coisa.

Ela acredita que a felicidade está longe de si neste momento!

All the above reasons about why your wife might want a divorce can be summarized into one – and that is her believing that happiness is far away from you at the moment.

Seja qual for o motivo que a leva a querer o divórcio, o contexto e o efeito secundário desse motivo são sentir-se infeliz.

It’s the emotion or lack of emotion that puts us into a state where we no longer feel wanted, loved, or taken care of.

And that’s when we convince ourselves that nothing will ever be the same, and that no matter what you do or say, you will always feel miserable and your marriage is doomed.

When we lose hope, we start doing things we normally wouldn’t.

Começamos a pensar que terminar uma relação ou divorciarmo-nos é a única saída e a única solução.

Well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t. If two people still care about each other, respect each other, and are willing to work on their marriage, then anything is possible.

É preciso lembrar-lhe que a felicidade não está longe de si, mas que ainda está aqui e que a única maneira de a ativar é fazendo um esforço e tendo vontade de melhorar as coisas!

Ver também: Como consertar um casamento desfeito: Um plano de resgate em 15 passos

“My Wife Wants A Divorce, How Can I Get Her Back?”

Now that we’re done with all the possible reasons why your wife might want a divorce, it’s time to see what you can do to change her mind and get her back.

Lembre-se que este é um processo que requer paciência e determinação.

Os resultados podem não ser visíveis de imediato, mas se fizer tudo corretamente, obterá o melhor resultado possível (ou aquele que está destinado a acontecer):

1. Ouça-a e avalie o seu casamento

O erro número um que todos os cônjuges que estão a tentar recuperar a sua mulher/marido cometem é pensar que falar os ajudará a resolver tudo.

Embora falar seja útil, ouvir é ainda melhor.

Instead of forcing your own agenda and trying to prove that she’s wrong, listen to her.

Porque se a ouvir, ficará a saber muito sobre a verdadeira razão pela qual ela quer o divórcio.

Precisa de abrir todos os seus sentidos e desligar o seu modo de julgamento.

When she tells you everything that’s on her mind and how she feels about your marriage, put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from a different perspective.

Sometimes, when we’re solely occupied with our own thinking, we forget to see and feel what the other person is going through.

If you don’t listen to her, you won’t know what needs to be changed or fixed.

You need to acknowledge your mistakes (if there are any) and promise that you’ll start working on them.

É necessário avaliar o seu casamento e concentrar-se em todos os aspectos do mesmo para o poder salvar.

Por isso, em vez de apenas falar, tente ouvir e contemplar.

2. Pedir desculpa (se necessário) e trabalhar em si próprio

If you’ve done something bad or if you’ve neglected her, acknowledge it and apologize for it.

Prometa-lhe, e mais importante ainda, prometa a si próprio que vai começar a trabalhar para se tornar a melhor versão de si próprio.

Isto inclui ambos os aspectos de si (interno e externo; tanto a sua mente como a sua aparência).

Faça mudanças positivas dentro de si e à sua volta, leia artigos/livros de autoajuda e procure ajuda e aconselhamento profissional, se necessário.

Lembre-se que a verdadeira mudança vem de dentro, por isso, se quer o seu cônjuge de volta, tem de começar a trabalhar em si próprio.

A happy marriage is not only about effort, sacrifice, and compromise, it’s also about constantly evolving.

Se ficarmos estagnados, atraímos coisas negativas e o nosso casamento também fica estagnado. Torna-se quebrado.

So, it’s time to wake up and see how you can improve yourself. It’s time to become active!

If you want to save your marriage and prove to your spouse that you’re o mesmo homem por quem se apaixonou em tempos, tens de mostrar que te preocupas.

E a maneira mais fácil de mostrar que se preocupa é fazer um esforço para melhorar as coisas e investir no seu casamento.

Há muitas coisas que podem ser investidas no vosso casamento e a mais importante é o tempo.

Investir tempo significa estar presente e estar disposto a assumir o papel de marido que ela merece!

3. Dar-lhe algum espaço

Esta é uma das coisas mais importantes que muitos cônjuges esquecem frequentemente.

Yes, your wife wants a divorce because that’s what she’s told you, but she didn’t tell you that she also wants some space.

When she mentioned the word divorce, you probably froze instantly and you couldn’t think of anything else but asking her one too many questions. You couldn’t help but feel disappointed, mad, and helpless.

When you feel that way, you’re at higher risk of doing something stupid and accelerating the whole divorce process.

So, the wisest thing to do in such a situation is to give her some space to think because that’s exactly what she needs at the moment.

If you force her, nag her, or beg her, you will make things even worse, and you don’t want that, right?

So, control yourself, and by giving her some space and time show her that you’re a mature man who respects her.

That’s exactly what she wants and needs! And if you want to get her back, you have to give her what she wants and needs.

You have to show her that you’re compassionate and that you understand her.

4. Continuar a viver

Como já foi referido, no momento em que se apercebe da dura verdade de que a sua mulher quer o divórcio, your life probably feels like it has stopped and you can’t come to your senses.

Tudo o que se pode pensar é: O que é que eu fiz de errado? Pensei que éramos felizes (pelo menos esperava que fôssemos)?

How can I make things right? I hope she’s not serious about all this divorce stuff because I definitely wouldn’t survive that.

Now, if you want your wife back, you have to get rid of this negative mindset and continue living! If you’re constantly acting or feeling like a dead man, your wife will be even more determined to end things with you.

Quero dizer, quem é que quer estar com um homem assim?

Nothing personal, but I certainly wouldn’t (and I doubt that any woman would).

You have to show her that you’re stable, that you understand what’s going on, that you accept it, and that you’re ready to start working and making things right.

Anything else would make you look like a cry baby and that’s the last thing you want.

Conseguirá reconquistar a sua mulher quando ela vir que é um homem poderoso e determinado, por isso, certifique-se de que age como tal.

5. Ser o homem por quem ela se apaixonou em tempos

Think about the first time you saw her, went on a date with her, made love with her… Think about how you felt about her and your relationship back then.

Pense na forma como a tratou, como se esforçou para a fazer sentir especial, etc.

Quando pensa em tudo isso, o que é que vê? Vê a sua mulher a sorrir e a transbordar de felicidade? Aposto que sim.

É que muitos homens deixam de perseguir as suas mulheres depois de darem o nó.

They start acting like they’ve finally won her and now all they have to do is enjoy the prize and boast about it.

Esquecem-se de que têm de continuar a persegui-laSe a sua mãe não se importa de a fazer sentir especial, continue a dar-lhe gestos românticos.

Because if they don’t, they will most surely lose her. She will start feeling neglected and she will know that they’re not the same man she once fell in love with.

So, be that man! Be the man she once fell in love with. Continue pursuing her like you did when you’d just met her and that’s the only way you’ll win her and keep her.

6. Comunicar, mas NUNCA discutir

Many people don’t differentiate these two concepts because there’s a thin line between communicating and arguing.

It’s really easy to switch modes without even being aware of it.

I know I said that you should give her some space, but this doesn’t mean cutting all contact with her.

You shouldn’t completely ignore her existence or avoid communication.

When you feel that the time is right, initiate a conversation, but only if you see that she’s not mad or stressed out.

Ask her about how she feels about the whole thing, ask her what she would change in your marriage, and let her know that you’re willing to cooperate.

Comunique e ouça-a, mas nunca discuta. Coloquei a palavra discutir em negrito por uma razão e a razão é que discutir torna as coisas ainda piores.

Arguing is an immature way of dealing with a problem, and you’re not an immature man.

You’re a mature, grown ass man who is ready to listen to her, find a solution, and start working on making things better.

If you’re kind of sceptical about it, then repeat the previous sentence in the first-person until it kicks in and you start believing it.

Ver também: 5 maneiras eficazes de devolver a velha faísca ao seu casamento

Coisas que nunca deves fazer se quiseres a tua mulher de volta

Para o ajudar a evitar cometer erros ou piorar ainda mais as coisas, eis uma lista de coisas que nunca deve fazer se quiser a sua mulher de volta (não se esqueça de a memorizar bem):

1. Implorar, chatear ou pressionar

As I’ve already mentioned, you should avoid any behaviour or communication that includes elements of begging, nagging, or pressuring her.

Se lhe implorar, chatear ou pressionar para que fique, ela ficará ainda mais determinada a ir-se embora.

It’s how human beings operate. If someone gives us an ultimatum or begs us to do something, we immediately start feeling threatened and we become protective of our freedom.

A comunicação saudável e a compreensão são o caminho a seguir!

2. Agir como necessitado

Se me perguntarem, agir de forma carente é ainda pior do que pedir ou chatear.

Agir de forma carente inclui agir como um cachorrinho triste ou até chorar à frente dela para a fazer sentir-se mal com tudo isto.

It’s like begging for compassion, which is really a cheap strategy when it comes to getting someone back.

Os homens imaturos agem como necessitados, mas os homens maduros têm respeito por si próprios.

3. Idealizar-se a si próprio ou ao seu casamento

Idealizing means listing all the positive things about you or your marriage to convince her that she’s making a mistake.

It’s important to understand that a perfect person or a perfect marriage doesn’t exist, so listing only the coisas positivas não é uma coisa legítima a fazer.

It’s always better to acknowledge both positive and negative sides and then start working on improving them.

4. Envolver a sua família, amigos ou outras pessoas

And, please, don’t use your family or friends as middlemen to encourage your spouse to stay with you.

Don’t go to your mother-in-law, or to a mutual friend and ask them to convince your wife that she is making a mistake.

This is a matter for you and her (it’s your marriage) and you shouldn’t involve other people.

(And if your wife finds out what you did, she definitely won’t be happy.)

5. A rastejar sobre ela

When you start overthinking something, there’s a high chance you’ll come to false conclusions.

You might start thinking that she’s doing something behind your back and that’s the reason why she wants a divorce.

You might start creeping on her and following her every move thinking you’ll catch her in the act of doing something sinful, but the chances are that you won’t.

So, whatever you do, don’t creep on her and don’t play detective.

Otherwise, she’ll most probably notice it and get annoyed.

6. Dar-lhe prendas caras

Showering your wife with expensive gifts will not get your wife back (unless she’s a gold digger).

Brincadeiras à parte, agora não é altura de desperdiçar o seu dinheiro em presentes, mas sim de investir em si próprio.

A melhor prenda para ela seria tu trabalhares em ti e não um relógio caro ou outra coisa qualquer.

Things are just things. They don’t have the capacity to compensate for what’s lacking in your marriage.

7. Manipulando-a

Telling your wife that you’ll do something terrible if she leaves you is one of the most annoying and horrible things you could do.

Manipular alguém para ficar consigo é a coisa mais baixa que se pode fazer.

So, don’t do it. No matter how desperate you are, don’t play tricks on her and don’t play with her.

Again, show her that you’re a real man, and not a boy.

8. A loucura

I understand that going wild sometimes will seem like the only reasonable thing to do, but trust me, it’s not.

Even if she takes off her wedding ring, don’t go wild. Just because she’s taken it off for the time being, it doesn’t mean she cannot put it back on.

Think rationally and don’t let your negative emotions imprison you!

Show understanding, keep working on yourself, and don’t push her.

Do your best and hope for the best. And remember that she has to change her mind by herself. Manipulating her or nagging won’t help.

When you know you’ve done your best, there’s nothing you should feel bad about.

Sometimes, things work out and sometimes they don’t. In case they don’t, no fault divorce is the best option. Good luck!

Ver também: 15 homens revelam o momento exato em que souberam que o divórcio era a sua única opção