Eu amo de forma diferente por tua causa

Amo com as minhas paredes completamente derrubadas porque contigo nunca me senti suficientemente confortável para me sentir vulnerável. Sempre me senti tímida ao teu lado. Sentia-me como se tivesse de andar sempre em cima de cascas de ovos. Sentia que tinha de esconder a minha voz e guardar as minhas emoções porque tudo o que sentia, tudo o que precisava e tudo o que achava que merecia, tu fazias-me sentir insignificante. Agora amo de forma diferente, graças a ti. I shout what I want out of life. I don’t quiver at the thought of raising my voice, or standing up for myself even if I have to risk the possibility that I’ll be standing alone. I’m with someone now who rejects that possibility. I share love with someone who never makes me question who is standing beside me, who is rooting for me, and who thinks that any dream I have is more than plausible. Amo de forma diferente por tua causa.

I’m no longer afraid that my opinions will shatter what little foundation you and I actually had together. My voice made your ears bleed because you were never in the mood for what I wanted to say. You convinced yourself that you had realmente tentou na nossa relação. You played the victim over and over and over again and somehow I became the bad guy for telling you I needed actual love. I needed love that made me feel safe. I needed love that made me feel like I was worth something to you. I needed love that didn’t make me question who I was because you tried so hard to take over my identity. I felt so worthless because of you e porquê? Porque é que me beijaste, namoraste comigo e me disseste que eu era bonita só para me arrancares todos esses confortos? Sentes-te bem contigo mesmo? Sentes-te bem pelo facto de eu ter chorado por ti durante meses? Encontras conforto na minha dor? Do you feel rewarded that you broke me down and beat me down to the point where I thought I’d never find love again?

Convenci-me de que merecia os tipos de amor que estavam cheios de abuso emocional. Continuei a escolher homens que me davam todas as frases do livro. O problema nunca era eu, eram sempre eles. Eles diziam-me isso vezes sem conta. Estavam tão ocupados com o trabalho e tinham sido magoados por todas as outras mulheres das suas vidas que eram demasiado frágeis para voltar a tentar o amor. Eu é que era demasiado frágil porque era eu que ainda estava a fugir de uma verdadeira oportunidade de felicidade. Amo de forma diferente por tua causa, porque durante muitos anos depois de ti, Amei sem nunca ter sido amado de volta.

I had to push my way through to find a good one. I had to go against every natural instinct to fall for the guy who smiled at me because he was genuinely happy. I didn’t trust when he told me I was beautiful. I didn’t trust when he said he loved my imperfections. I didn’t trust when he said he was attracted to my thick curves, or to my funny jokes. I didn’t trust that he loved me for me because for all that time, Ensinaste-me a amar de forma diferente. You taught me that love wasn’t really love, era o controlo.

I love differently because of you because now, all these years later, I’ve finally learned what love is and what love isn’t. Love isn’t controlling or manipulative. Love doesn’t leave you feeling ashamed. Love doesn’t leave you feeling lonely. Love makes you feel taken care of. Love makes you feel secure, beautiful, and capable. Love secures you and, for any woman reading this who feels the same way I did, I hope you find a love that anchors you. I love differently because of you, because you taught me the difference between what we had, and what I truly deserved. I kind of thank you for that.

by Courtney Dercqu