Amo de forma diferente gracias a ti
Amo de forma diferente gracias a ti
Amo con mis muros completamente derribados porque contigo nunca me sentí lo suficientemente cómoda como para sentirme vulnerable. Siempre me sentí tímida a tu alrededor. Sentía que tenía que andar siempre con pies de plomo. Sentía que tenía que esconder mi voz y guardar mis emociones porque todo lo que sentía, todo lo que necesitaba y todo lo que sentía que merecía, tú me lo hacías sentir como algo insignificante. Ahora amo de forma diferente gracias a ti. I shout what I want out of life. I don’t quiver at the thought of raising my voice, or standing up for myself even if I have to risk the possibility that I’ll be standing alone. I’m with someone now who rejects that possibility. I share love with someone who never makes me question who is standing beside me, who is rooting for me, and who thinks that any dream I have is more than plausible. Amo de forma diferente gracias a ti.
I’m no longer afraid that my opinions will shatter what little foundation you and I actually had together. My voice made your ears bleed because you were never in the mood for what I wanted to say. You convinced yourself that you had realmente intentado en nuestra relación. You played the victim over and over and over again and somehow I became the bad guy for telling you I needed actual love. I needed love that made me feel safe. I needed love that made me feel like I was worth something to you. I needed love that didn’t make me question who I was because you tried so hard to take over my identity. I felt so worthless because of you ¿y por qué? ¿Por qué me besarías, saldrías conmigo y me dirías que soy guapa sólo para arrancarme todas esas comodidades? ¿Te sientes bien contigo mismo? ¿Te sientes bien por el hecho de que lloré por ti durante meses? ¿Encuentras consuelo en mi dolor? Do you feel rewarded that you broke me down and beat me down to the point where I thought I’d never find love again?
Me convencí a mí misma de que merecía el tipo de amor que estaba repleto de abuso emocional. Seguí eligiendo chicos que me daban todas las frases del libro. Nunca fui yo el problema, siempre fueron ellos. Me daban esa frase una y otra vez. Estaban tan consumidos por el trabajo y habían sido heridos por todas las demás mujeres de sus vidas que eran demasiado frágiles para probar de nuevo el amor. Yo era el que era demasiado frágil porque era yo la que seguía huyendo de cualquier verdadera oportunidad de ser feliz. Amo diferente por ti, porque durante muchos años después de ti, Amé sin ser correspondido.
I had to push my way through to find a good one. I had to go against every natural instinct to fall for the guy who smiled at me because he was genuinely happy. I didn’t trust when he told me I was beautiful. I didn’t trust when he said he loved my imperfections. I didn’t trust when he said he was attracted to my thick curves, or to my funny jokes. I didn’t trust that he loved me for me because for all that time, me enseñaste a amar de otra manera. You taught me that love wasn’t really love, era el control.
I love differently because of you because now, all these years later, I’ve finally learned what love is and what love isn’t. Love isn’t controlling or manipulative. Love doesn’t leave you feeling ashamed. Love doesn’t leave you feeling lonely. Love makes you feel taken care of. Love makes you feel secure, beautiful, and capable. Love secures you and, for any woman reading this who feels the same way I did, I hope you find a love that anchors you. I love differently because of you, because you taught me the difference between what we had, and what I truly deserved. I kind of thank you for that.
by Courtney Dercqu
