Para o meu pai tóxico que devia ter estado presente

Estou a olhar para este título e não consigo relacionar a palavra "tóxico" com a palavra "pai".

No matter how much I try, I can’t believe that a father can be toxic to his child. But the longer I think about it, the more I start having flashbacks of my childhood.

E, num piscar de olhos, sinto a raiva a dominar todo o meu corpo. Sinto que começo a tremer e que as lágrimas começam a escorrer pelos meus cheques.

The reality hits me with an unbelievable truth—I have a pai tóxico!

And while I think about it, I see myself trying to run away from that thought. But you can’t run away from reality, right?

You can’t run away from something that hurt you so much that even if you are an adult, you still feel the consequences.

Estás a ver o que me fizeste, pai?

Don’t you feel sorry for neglecting me?

Don’t you feel sorry for not giving me the love I craved when I was a little girl?

Dad, don’t you see that because of you, I am emotionally unavailable for everyone who tries to love me?

Don’t you see that you ruined me for every man who comes into my life?

Por tua causa, nunca me senti suficientemente bonita. Dizias-me sempre que as outras crianças eram queridas e engraçadas enquanto eu estava ao teu lado com o meu vestido de tutu cor-de-rosa que vesti só para que gostasses de mim.

E esperava que olhasses para mim e me dissesses que eu também era bonita e que tinhas orgulho em ter uma filha assim.

Por tua causa, nunca me senti Eu era digno. Dizias-me sempre que os outros miúdos eram melhores alunos do que eu e que eu devia fazer um esforço extra para os alcançar.

You never said you were proud of me for a good grade, but you surely knew how to punish me when I got a bad one, though—like I wasn’t punished enough for not getting your love.

Because of you, I couldn’t come home and know I could count on my dad when I got my heart broken for the first time. Nunca quiseste saber de nada do que se passava na minha vida. Nunca perguntaste como eu estava e se tinha problemas.

Nunca foste um ombro onde eu pudesse chorar, pai. E por isso, nunca te vou perdoar.

Because of you, I will never walk down the aisle with my dad. I will probably walk alone or with my husband if I ever find one—since after you showed me what men are like, I simply can’t trust any man anymore.

Sinto que nunca vou encontrar um homem que me estime e me ame. Sinto simplesmente que todos eles me vão trair como tu fizeste.

Because of you, my children won’t have nice memories with their grandpa. Maybe they will never meet you since you probably won’t make any effort to get to know them better.

And I won’t even try to tell them about you since you are not so important to me anymore.

You were never there when I needed you, and now that I am an adult, I don’t want you in my life anymore. So, don’t try to seek me when you realize what you have done.

That little girl who was crazy about you doesn’t exist anymore. She died the day you didn’t choose her.

Ela morreu no dia em que escolheste o álcool e outras mulheres em vez dela. E não importa o que faças, nunca a trarás de volta.

Em vez dela, há outra mulher who knows what she wants in her life. And one of her wishes surely isn’t a lousy father.

Sabem porquê?

Because she deserves a lot more than that. Because she suffered, and now she wants a calm life without worrying about why her father doesn’t love her enough.

She doesn’t want to think that she made some mistake and that because of that her father couldn’t love her.

She can’t question herself every day about why she wasn’t enough for a man who was supposed to love and protect her. She simply can’t do that anymore. She is tired, tired to the bone.

E está na altura de ela seguir em frente. É altura de ela deixar ir um pai tóxico que nunca esteve presente para ela.

Because she can’t continue like this anymore.

I know that you will maybe feel sorry for not being with me when I needed you. Maybe, one day, you will be proud of the woman I became, but you will never get an opportunity to tell me that face in face. I don’t want to see you.

I don’t want to have any contact with you. One toxic man was enough for my entire life, and I just want to get rid of the toxicity you brought into my life.

Por isso, pai, se estás a ler esta carta, fica a saber que te perdoo. Provavelmente tinhas algumas razões para nunca teres estado presente para mim.

I couldn’t understand them then, and I can’t understand them now. But to be honest, I don’t give a damn about it anymore.

This time, I am finally moving on with a clean heart, knowing that your behavior wasn’t my fault. I am moving on surrounded by people who would give their lives for me.

Estou a seguir em frente porque a vida continua, e tenho de a viver como mereço. Mas, fica a saber que, em tempos, houve uma menina que contou contigo.

Em tempos, traiu-a ao não estar presente para ela.

Era uma vez, partiste-lhe o coração. E eu só espero que consigas viver com isso.