A mi padre tóxico que debería haber estado allí

Estoy mirando este título y no puedo relacionar la palabra "tóxico" con la palabra "papá".

No matter how much I try, I can’t believe that a father can be toxic to his child. But the longer I think about it, the more I start having flashbacks of my childhood.

Y en un abrir y cerrar de ojos, puedo sentir cómo la ira cautiva todo mi cuerpo. Puedo sentir que empiezo a temblar y que las lágrimas empiezan a correr por mis cheques.

The reality hits me with an unbelievable truth—I have a ¡Padre tóxico!

And while I think about it, I see myself trying to run away from that thought. But you can’t run away from reality, right?

You can’t run away from something that hurt you so much that even if you are an adult, you still feel the consequences.

¿Ves lo que me has hecho papá?

Don’t you feel sorry for neglecting me?

Don’t you feel sorry for not giving me the love I craved when I was a little girl?

Dad, don’t you see that because of you, I am emotionally unavailable for everyone who tries to love me?

Don’t you see that you ruined me for every man who comes into my life?

Por tu culpa, nunca me sentí lo suficientemente guapa. Siempre me decías que los otros niños eran dulces y monos mientras yo estaba a tu lado con mi vestido rosa de tutú que me puse sólo para gustarte.

Y esperaba que me miraras y me dijeras que yo también era guapa y que estabas orgulloso de tener una hija así.

Gracias a ti, nunca sentí Yo era digno. Siempre me decías que otros niños eran mejores estudiantes que yo y que debía esforzarme más para alcanzarlos.

You never said you were proud of me for a good grade, but you surely knew how to punish me when I got a bad one, though—like I wasn’t punished enough for not getting your love.

Because of you, I couldn’t come home and know I could count on my dad when I got my heart broken for the first time. Nunca quisiste saber nada de lo que pasaba en mi vida. Nunca me preguntaste cómo estaba y si tenía problemas.

Nunca fuiste un hombro en el que pudiera llorar, papá. Y por eso, nunca te perdonaré.

Because of you, I will never walk down the aisle with my dad. I will probably walk alone or with my husband if I ever find one—since after you showed me what men are like, I simply can’t trust any man anymore.

Siento que nunca encontraré un hombre que me aprecie y me ame. Simplemente siento que todos ellos me traicionarán como tú lo hiciste.

Because of you, my children won’t have nice memories with their grandpa. Maybe they will never meet you since you probably won’t make any effort to get to know them better.

And I won’t even try to tell them about you since you are not so important to me anymore.

You were never there when I needed you, and now that I am an adult, I don’t want you in my life anymore. So, don’t try to seek me when you realize what you have done.

That little girl who was crazy about you doesn’t exist anymore. She died the day you didn’t choose her.

Murió el día que elegiste el alcohol y otras mujeres antes que a ella. Y no importa lo que hagas, nunca la traerás de vuelta.

En lugar de ella, hay otra mujer who knows what she wants in her life. And one of her wishes surely isn’t a lousy father.

¿Sabes por qué?

Because she deserves a lot more than that. Because she suffered, and now she wants a calm life without worrying about why her father doesn’t love her enough.

She doesn’t want to think that she made some mistake and that because of that her father couldn’t love her.

She can’t question herself every day about why she wasn’t enough for a man who was supposed to love and protect her. She simply can’t do that anymore. She is tired, tired to the bone.

Y ya es hora de que siga adelante. Es hora de que deje ir a un padre tóxico que nunca estuvo ahí para ella.

Because she can’t continue like this anymore.

I know that you will maybe feel sorry for not being with me when I needed you. Maybe, one day, you will be proud of the woman I became, but you will never get an opportunity to tell me that face in face. I don’t want to see you.

I don’t want to have any contact with you. One toxic man was enough for my entire life, and I just want to get rid of the toxicity you brought into my life.

Así que, papá, si estás leyendo esta carta, que sepas que te perdono. Probablemente tenías algunas razones por las que nunca estabas ahí para mí.

I couldn’t understand them then, and I can’t understand them now. But to be honest, I don’t give a damn about it anymore.

This time, I am finally moving on with a clean heart, knowing that your behavior wasn’t my fault. I am moving on surrounded by people who would give their lives for me.

Sigo adelante porque la vida sigue, y tengo que vivirla como me merezco. Pero, que sepas que, érase una vez, una niña que contaba contigo.

Érase una vez, la traicionaste al no estar ahí para ella.

Érase una vez, le rompiste el corazón. Y sólo espero que seas capaz de vivir con eso.