É por isso que me perdeste

Here I am, scrolling through our old text messages that are making me feel like I don’t deserve to be loved ever again because I left you. Saí por muitas razões, but most of all, I left because you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. I couldn’t live with that thought because I respect myself (and you) enough to know when it’s over. You lost me. You lost the only person who appreciated and loved you unconditionally.

You lost me because you didn’t talk to me. I’m not just talking about messages that got way shorter than before. I’m not talking about the time-span between messages that got longer and longer until you stopped replying at all. Of course, that was one reason as well, but the bigger reason you lost me is that you didn’t talk to me about anything. You stopped talking to me about your day and about your feelings. You never told me about that promotion or that new sexy coworker. You never told me that you stopped loving me and you never told me that you saw us growing apart as well.

Perdeste-me porque quebraste promessas. I got stood up too many times, waiting in the corner of the cafe for you. All by myself, sometimes even for hours. I was convinced that you wouldn’t break your promise. Not again. But you did and every time my heart would break a little more.

Perdeste-me porque deixaste de crescer. Deixaste de ser ambicioso e de ser tu próprio.

You lost me because I couldn’t recognize you. The moment I realised that you weren’t the man I fell in love with I started to wonder if I was the one who changed, but to be honest, it was you. The things that you were so passionate about just months before meant nothing to you now. Your hair changed, your eyes didn’t have that spark anymore when they looked at me and even the way you talked was different. I couldn’t laugh at your jokes anymore.

You lost me because I cried and you didn’t care. I looked in your eyes and I couldn’t see myself in them anymore and I started crying. I knew that you lost me because you didn’t care about my tears. Or was I the one who lost you? I couldn’t find a way to make you love me more, like you did at the beginning. You couldn’t seem to care less about those tears that were streaming down my face. I was obviously hurting, but that didn’t affect you, not even a little bit.

Perdeste-me porque comecei a escrever sobre ti. I can only write about painful things, things that make me feel sad or anxious. You’re one of those things. The moment I started to realise that you didn’t bring me joy and that I wasn’t happy with you anymore, I saw the truth. You’ve lost me.

You lost me when you said you’re sorry. You apologized for not being there for me when I needed you, when you told me that you knew that I was hurting. If you knew, why didn’t you change? If you knew, why didn’t you leave me before the pain got worse?

Perdeu-me porque comecei a procurar o problema em mim próprio. I started to think that I was the problem in our relationship. That I was too needy, too clingy, too much for you. But my needs weren’t out of this world, so why do they make me feel so bad about myself? Like I have done something wrong?

Perdeste-me porque os teus olhos começaram a despir outras mulheres. You never touched them, but the way you’d look at them and make sure to imagine them naked made me feel insecure and disrespected. I never said a word, but I should’ve. I’m telling you now that it was the rudest thing you could’ve done. Thank you for showing me how much you care for me *sarcasm sign*. Ser fiel é mais do que não dormir com ninguém com outras mulheres.

You lost me and you won’t ever get me back. I’ve been waiting around for too long just because I hoped that you’d change for the better, but you didn’t. Our relationship drained me and I don’t ever want to feel the burden of trying to make it better. It’s not going to be better.

Perdi-me.