24 Prós e contras de ignorar o seu cônjuge durante a separação

You’ve filed for divorce, and you’re probably asking yourself, “what should I do now?” To be honest, I’ve got to tell you that a difficult period is ahead of you no matter what you choose to do.

No entanto, ignorar o seu cônjuge durante a separação é provavelmente a melhor forma de lidar com a situação.

I know you’re now asking how to do it and if it’s even possible to ignore someone after many years of marriage. How do you ignore someone who was such a great part of your life for so long?

This will be especially difficult if children are involved. It’ll be impossible to completely ignore your spouse if you have kids together because you’ll have to communicate about them, at least.

No entanto, mesmo essa comunicação deve ser reduzida ao mínimo. Só devem falar de coisas importantes relacionadas com os vossos filhos; tudo o resto deve ser ignorado.

Acredite em mim, mesmo que esta técnica pareça muito difícil neste momento, ela vai ajudá-lo a ultrapassar este processo o mais rápido e sem dor possível.

Bem, antes de continuar a ler, tenho de lhe dizer que deve estar completamente seguro da sua decisão de se divorciar.

Talvez possas escrever algum tipo de “Should I get a divorce?” checklist e deixar que ele o ajude a decidir.

I hope you’ve really tried to save the marriage and that you’ve visited a marriage counselor before deciding to file for divorce.

Ignoring your spouse during your separation — My own experience

Deixem-me contar-vos a minha história. Tive uma relação amorosa com o meu companheiro durante três anos antes de decidirmos casar.

We were married for three more years. So, I’d spent six years with him, and I suppose that’s enough time to know someone, right?

Well, to be honest, I think that even a lifetime isn’t enough to know someone entirely because I’ve been living with myself for more than thirty years, and I still manage to surprise myself with some of my decisions and actions.

No entanto, conhecia-o o suficiente para perceber quando ele estava a mentir. Também conhecia a nossa relação o suficiente para perceber quando algo não estava bem entre nós.

Durante os primeiros dois anos do nosso casamento, éramos um daqueles casais felizes que parecem não ter nada ou nenhuma pessoa que se possa interpor entre eles ou prejudicar/arruinar o seu casamento.

Depois tivemos o nosso bebé e, sem mais nem menos, tudo mudou. Reparei que o meu marido tinha mudado e que nos estávamos a afastar.

Eu sabia que os seus sentimentos tinham mudado, mas sempre que o confrontava com isso, ele negava tudo.

He didn’t know how to communicate in a healthy way, which is one way men destruir os seus casamentos. Senti-me como se estivesse a viver com um colega de quarto ou com alguém que mal conhecia durante o último ano do nosso casamento.

To cut this long story short, he didn’t want to get a divorce even though he was aware that we no longer loved each other.

De alguma forma, ele conseguiu convencer-me de que devíamos ir a uma consulta de casais e tentar fazer com que o nosso casamento funcionasse.

Aceitei, mesmo sabendo que estávamos numa casamento sem amor beyond saving. Of course, all of that didn’t help us reconnect again, and to be honest, I didn’t want to get my husband back.

Depois, pedi o divórcio e decidi ignorá-lo completamente durante o processo de separação. E, para ser sincera, isso ajudou-nos a ambos e tornou as coisas muito mais fáceis para ambos.

We both knew that divorce would be difficult, but we were aware that sometimes it’s better to do it than stay in an casamento infeliz.

Now that it’s all behind us, we have a really good relationship, and the most important thing is that we both take care of our son, because that’s truly the most important thing.

The dos and don’ts of ignoring your spouse during your separation

Whether you’re ignoring your spouse during your separation because you want it all to end as quickly and painlessly as possible, or it’s just how you cope with your feelings, these dos and don’ts will help you to achieve the goal you want.

If you’re ignoring your spouse because you think it’s the best to make them realize that it’s their loss and somehow get your wife/husband back, these dos and don’ts may help you with that, but I would advise you not to do it.

It’s not worth it. They’re not worthy of you nor your precious time. If someone is so blind and isn’t able to see your worth, there is no point in trying to get them to see it.

Acreditar no poder do regra de não contacto

Penso que uma das melhores técnicas para lidar com qualquer tipo de separação para ambos os parceiros é sua majestade, o regra de não contacto.

Because for as long as you stay in touch with someone, you won’t be able to break up with that person for good.

​​​​I know it’ll be difficult. You were sure that this person was your soulmate and that you’d stay together forever. You spent so much time with them, and they’re still a huge part of your own life.

Habituámo-nos a eles. Habituámo-nos a acordar ao lado deles todas as manhãs e a aconchegar-nos com eles na cama todas as noites. Habituámo-nos a vê-los e a falar com eles todos os dias.

Now, all of a sudden, all of that must stop. You can’t see them, nor can you call them just to hear their voice. I just want to prepare you; this will be a difficult task.

Como é que se pode ignorar e evitar uma pessoa que foi a sua cara-metade durante tanto tempo, certo? No entanto, a regra de não contacto dura apenas 30 dias e, depois disso, pode deixar de evitar o seu futuro ex-cônjuge.

I know what you’ll now be saying, “It’ll be 30 days of hell.” Hmm, probably, but just know that this rule is so powerful that it’ll make everything so much easier for you.

Surprisingly, the last few days of the no contact rule month will be awful. The last one will probably be the worst, but you’ll see that everything will be so much clearer and easier for you the next day.

However, if you endure it all and manage not to be in contact with your spouse at all, you’ll make the separation process a whole lot easier, both for you and your spouse.

Há, de facto, muitos benefícios da regra de não contacto.

DON’T answer their phone calls

I know this sounds like a challenging thing to do, especially if you still have feelings for your spouse. Even if you don’t, you probably still respect them and don’t want to make them suffer.

Isto é o melhor, acredite. Se continuar a manter o contacto com o seu cônjuge, só vai complicar ainda mais as coisas.

You’ll remind each other of all the things you went through together, and then it’ll be even harder for you to end things with them for good.

Por outro lado, também podem acabar por discutir alguns dos vossos problemas e desacordos conjugais não resolvidos e tornar a situação muito pior para ambos.

I’m sure that’s the last thing you need right now.

There will be days when you’ll be thinking, “Oh, god, should I text her/him just to see how they are?” But you have to ignore it all.

Even if your spouse doesn’t reach out and you really want to know how they feel, consider it as you being forbidden to initiate contact.

To cut a long story short, when you hear your phone beeping and you see their name on the screen of your phone, just delete their text message without even looking at what they’ve written.

DO talk with them if it’s an emergency

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as an easy or painless breakup.

Separating from someone you’ve spent a long period of time with is always difficult, no matter who initiated the breakup or what the reason for it was.

Deve estar preparado para o facto de o processo de divórcio ser difícil, doloroso e emocionalmente desgastante, tanto para si como para o seu futuro ex-marido/esposa.

If you were the one who initiated the breakup, your spouse will most surely have a hard time accepting the fact that you’re going your separate ways after so many years of marriage.

É provável que a pessoa se aproxime e vos peça para falarem e resolverem as coisas. Podem até sugerir aconselhamento matrimonial para vos ajudar conserte o seu casamento desfeito.

If you’re completely sure that you’ve made the right decision, even if it hurts to see them suffer, you shouldn’t change your mind.

The truth is that sooner or later, you’ll be divorced. Postponing the divorce won’t make things easier. On the contrary, it may only hurt both of you more.

However, in an emergency, you should answer their calls or reply to their text messages. But you’re ONLY allowed to do that in serious cases of emergency.

This is especially important if you’ve got kids together. Suppose your spouse wants to talk about child support or some other important things regarding your kids.

DON’T do anything that might provoke a reaction from your partner

Este é um momento difícil da vossa vida. Deve refletir bem sobre cada passo que dá.

Your goal is to end the divorce process as soon as possible, not hurt your spouse’s feelings by provoking them and then ignoring their reaction, right?

Even if you’ve immediately found someone new, and you have every right to do so, you shouldn’t jump into a relationship with that person right away.

That’s something that will definitely provoke a reaction from your spouse. It might piss them off because they may think it’s the reason you wanted to divorce in the first place.

Also, don’t ever flirt with someone else in front of your soon-to-be-ex-husband/wife. It’s really awful, and it’ll definitely make them change their opinion of you or provoke an even worse reaction from their side.

CONVIVER com os amigos que têm em comum

If you’re ignoring your spouse during the separation, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hang out with the friends you have in common. It’s not fair to them because they aren’t guilty of your separation.

Dessa forma, pode perder grandes amigos, pessoas que sempre estiveram ao seu lado e que se preocupam sinceramente consigo.

Of course, sometimes they might invite both you and your spouse to a gathering where it’ll be impossible to avoid your partner.

They’ll probably try to avoid it initially, at least until the divorce process concludes because they won’t want to make things more difficult for you.

No entanto, se se encontrar nessa situação, deve tentar ter o mínimo de contacto possível com o seu cônjuge.

Don’t ignore them if they ask you something in front of all those people, but keep away from them as much as you can.

If you see that things have become awkward, you should go back home. I’m sure your friends will understand and won’t be mad at you because you’ve left.

DON’T talk to them about your partner or your marriage

Even if you’re on a trial separation with your spouse or started the divorce process, you shouldn’t talk about your spouse or your separation in front of your friends.

Don’t put your best friends in an uncomfortable position. It’s not fair to make them choose sides because it’s something they aren’t okay with.

I’m sure you’ll be able to hang out with them together again after the divorce. Time will pass, and you’ll both move on, and it’ll be a lot easier for both of you to hang out together with your friends.

Se os seus amigos iniciarem a conversa ou o aconselharem a tentar fazer com que o seu casamento funcione antes de o acabar para sempre, deve pedir-lhes educadamente que não se metam na conversa.

O seu casamento e o seu divórcio são um assunto privado e só você e o seu cônjuge têm o direito de tomar decisões tão importantes sobre o seu casamento.

Outros têm o direito de comentar e falar sobre o assunto, mas ninguém tem o direito de interferir nele.

I’m sure your friends only want what’s best for you and your partner and they can offer their sincere advice, but you two are the only ones who can make the final decision.

PROCURAR conforto junto de outra pessoa

You’ve been in a loving relationship with someone who was your main supporter in life. Now, when you’re going through such a difficult period in life, you need support and comfort more than ever.

Unfortunately, now you can’t get it from your spouse. That’s why you should find it outside of your marriage.

You’re sad, confused, stressed, and maybe even hurt, and you need someone who’ll give you that emotional support you desperately need right now.

No matter whether you’re a man or a woman, you’re a human being. You are weak, just as we all are.

It’s okay to cry because I know how much this hurts. I also know that it gets easier with time and when you find someone with whom you can share your sorrows.

Precisas de encontrar um ombro para chorar. Os teus sentimentos são avassaladores neste momento, e engarrafá-los é a pior coisa que podes fazer.

Your feelings will come to the surface sooner or later. I know that it’s hard to accept that things have drastically changed in the last year.

But, you don’t have to go through it alone. Find someone who’ll want more than anything to be there for you in these difficult days.

DON’T involve your friends or family members in this

You should open up to your best friend or a family member. You should share your feelings with them, but you shouldn’t drag them into your marriage problems.

You’ll put them in a difficult position, especially if they had a good relationship with your spouse. They won’t know how to react and what to do.

You can and should hang out with them but only to keep yourself busy and divert your thoughts away from your problems. If you talk with them about your separation, too, you’ll never be able to heal from it.

Outra coisa que quero aconselhar é que respeite os seus sogros mesmo depois de o seu casamento terminar. Essas pessoas também fizeram parte da sua vida e merecem respeito. Claro que tem de ser mútuo.

Concentre-se em si agora

You should use this quiet time to dedicate to yourself more. I’m assuming that you were focused on your spouse before, but now it’s time to shift that focus back onto yourself.

Fale honestamente consigo próprio. Como se está a sentir? Acha que tomou a decisão correcta? É demasiado difícil para si ignorar o seu cônjuge?

Se sentir que tudo isto está a afetar negativamente a sua saúde mental, deve falar com um profissional e pedir-lhe ajuda.

Se teve de sair da casa que partilhava com o seu cônjuge, deve procurar agora uma nova casa.

It’s time to think about your own life now and prioritize yourself above everyone and everything else.

DON’T neglect self-care

You’re closing the door to your previous life and starting another life for yourself. Make self-care one of the resolutions for that new life.

Sei que este é um período muito stressante para si, deixando algumas consequências em si, no seu corpo e na sua pele.
That’s why now more than ever, you need to take care of your looks, your skin, and your body in general.

Also, looking good will give you confidence, and you need it now to help you fight everything that’s coming.

Merece mimar-se e mimar-se. Use shopping as your comfort. Oh, it’ll also help occupy yourself from thinking about your soon-to-be-ex-husband/wife and your separation.

Ignore-os também nas redes sociais

I’m not saying that you should delete or block them on your social media accounts, but you should behave like they’re on your block list.

If they haven’t still come to terms with the separation, they’ll probably try to reach out to you through social media too. Once again, you need to ignore these texts also.

If they see that you’re ignoring them, they’ll probably try to get to you by posting some sad songs or some romantic ‘thinking of you’ messagesmas tenta ignorá-lo.

They may also send you some photos of the two of you together, trying to remind you how happy you were before, and it’ll probably be difficult for you to ignore that.

É preciso ser muito duro, porque responder a esses textos só os fará pensar que ainda há esperança de salvar o casamento, o que complicaria ainda mais as coisas.

DON’T share anything from your personal life on social media

Talvez seja melhor tomar um desintoxicação das redes sociais. That way, your spouse won’t be able to reach you, and it would be easier for you to ignore them.

If you don’t want to do that, I would advise you not to be too active on social media. Don’t share things you’re doing and your location because your spouse will probably use that to follow you.

I would especially advise you not to share anything that may provoke a negative reaction from your spouse – for example, a photo of you with someone else or pictures from your nights out.

Also, don’t change your relationship status until the divorce process has concluded. It may also provoke a negative reaction from your spouse.

Tente relaxar com os seus melhores amigos

You should call your best friends and invite them over or ask them to go hang out. They’ll try to cheer you up, and having them around will help deal with your marriage problems.

Também pode planear uma viagem com eles ou uma pequena escapadela de fim de semana. Estar com os seus melhores amigos irá desviar os seus pensamentos e fazer com que ignorar o seu cônjuge durante o processo de separação muito mais fácil.

After all, your friends know you best. They’ll know how to help you relax and how to help you not worry about your divorce too much.

If you feel the need to, you can also open up to one of your best friends. This will help take that burden off your soul, and you’ll feel a lot better after that little session with one of your friends.

DON’T send them drunk texts

Se quiser sair e divertir-se com os seus amigos, deve fazê-lo, mas tenha cuidado com as bebidas. Se se embebedar, pode acabar por enviar uma mensagem de texto ao seu cônjuge, o que seria um erro, certo?

If you want to get drunk because you think it would relax you and make you forget about your problems, then you should give your phone to your friends and tell them that they shouldn’t give it back to you until you sober up.

Sending a drunk text to your partner would be a huge mistake. It would ruin everything you’ve done up to now. That’s why you should really think about this if you want to go out and have fun with your friends.

Conhecer novas pessoas

After you’ve firmly decided that you’re done with your married life, you have every right to meet new people.

Mas só o deve fazer depois de ter a certeza absoluta de que quer acabar com o seu casamento.

You don’t have to meet new romantic partners; you can also try to meet someone and hang out as friends first.

Maybe that friendship will grow into something bigger over time, or perhaps they’ll become your best friend.

You never know. It doesn’t matter, in both cases, that new person can help you get through this rough period in your life.

Meeting new people isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, it might help you to stop thinking and obsessing over your spouse.

Por isso, saia ou registe-se numa aplicação de encontros online que o possa ajudar a conhecer novas pessoas.

You don’t have to meet someone and jump into a new relationship immediately, but it’s good to meet new people you can hang out with.

It’ll help divert your thoughts from everything bad that’s going on in your life right now.

Of course, if you think you can work things out with your spouse and if you’re on a trial separation, you should totally ignore this.

You’re allowed to meet someone new only if you’ve decided, and you really must be one hundred percent sure in that decision, that you want to end your marriage.

DON’T jump into a new relationship

I’ve already said that you shouldn’t start a new romantic relationship, but now I want to explain why it’s a bad thing.

In the beginning, you’ll feel like it’s helping you to forget about your marriage problems, but afterward, you’ll understand that it was the worst possible thing you could do, both to your partner and yourself.

Antes de iniciar uma relação com alguém novo, tem de dar tempo a si próprio para sarar e recuperar completamente da sua relação.

Even though you’re completely sure that you don’t have any feelings for your spouse anymore, you need to spend some time alone to clear out your thoughts and feelings.

If you don’t do it, you’ll probably be stuck with some emotional baggage that won’t allow you to fall in love with someone else and fully enjoy a new relationship.

Sejam simpáticos quando os virem

Ignoring your spouse during your separation doesn’t mean that you should be rude when you see them on the street or when you suddenly run into them.

If you’re both invited to a family gathering or something similar, you should behave nicely and talk to them if they approach you.

Of course, keep a distance because you don’t want to give them hope that you’ve changed your mind.

You’ve got to be especially nice to them if you have kids together. They are and always will be the father/mother of your kids, remember that.

DON’T trash talk them

First of all, you’ve spent some of your life with this person, and talking badly about them would be talking badly about yourself too.

You were in a loving relationship and made some beautiful memories together. There’s no point in saying bad things about someone you used to love.

Again, this is especially important if you have kids together because that’ll affect them negatively the most. You’re two grown-up, civilized people, and you should behave as such.

Fazer as coisas com calma

Sei que queres acabar com isto o mais depressa possível, mas deves tentar ir devagar e dar um passo de cada vez.

Primeiro, deve voltar para casa e ter uma conversa honesta com o seu parceiro. Depois, tem de ser honesta consigo própria.

Is this the first time you’ve thought about divorce, or is it something you’ve been thinking about for some time now?

You have to think it through. You need to be sure that there’s no way to make your marriage work and that o divórcio é a sua única opção.

You should file for divorce only when you’ve tried all options to make things work back home, like aconselhamento matrimonialConversar com o seu cônjuge, etc.

DON’T expect that this will be easy

After you’ve tried to salvar o casamento and until you’re convinced that divorce is the only option, only then should you file for divorce.

However, you need to be prepared that it won’t be easy. Tens pela frente uma viagem infernal e tens de estar preparado para lutar contra tudo o que te aparecer pela frente.

There will probably be a lot of phone calls and surprise visits from your spouse, and you need to be prepared to handle it carefully. After all, you don’t want to hurt your spouse, right?

Of course, if you have kids together…

Falem com eles sobre os vossos filhos

Quando me estava a divorciar do meu ex-marido, tínhamos um filho de 1 ano e, claro, tínhamos de falar sobre ele e chegar a acordo sobre as coisas relacionadas com o nosso menino. A última coisa que ambos queríamos era ter de lutar pelo nosso filho.

Queríamos que o nosso processo de separação decorresse da melhor forma possível, pelo que tínhamos de chegar a acordo sobre a pensão de alimentos e a guarda dos filhos.

Isto é inevitável. Não se esqueça de que os seus filhos são o mais importante e deve tentar facilitar-lhes a vida, pois é provável que tenham dificuldade em aceitar o divórcio.

DON’T involve your children in your mess

If you’ve decided to divorce your spouse, then you must be aware that it’s something between you and them. Don’t involve other people, especially your kids.

They deserve to have a happy family, even if their mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore. And it’s possible, trust me, because I’ve gone through this twice already.

I’m a child of divorced parents, and I divorced a man with whom I have a one-year-old son. I never saw my parents fight, and I never fought with my husband, well, not in front of our kid anyway.

Os vossos filhos são a parte mais importante desta história.

If the divorce gets ugly at any stage, you need to be sure that your children aren’t in the middle of it and that they don’t know what’s happening between you two.

Don’t bring your quarrels and issues back home to your kids. Trust me, it could leave some irreparable consequences on their mental health.

Passar tempo com as crianças

You have to leave your kids out of your divorce as much as possible. Don’t fight about them and try to reach an agreement on child support and visitation issues.

You’re their parent, and even if you don’t get custody, no one will forbid you from seeing and hanging out with your kids.

Even if your partner has a hard time accepting your separation, they shouldn’t forbid you from coming back home to see your kids.

Nunca discuti com o meu marido por causa disso e acho mesmo que isso nos ajudou a manter uma relação tão boa. Na semana passada, até fizemos umas pequenas férias em família.

I only want what’s best for my son, and I suppose it’s something we all want for our kids.

DON’T spend time with your kids at your partner’s home

You should spend time with your kids, but doing it at your partner’s home would be a bad thing. If you do, then you won’t be able to ignore your partner.

A primeira vez que falar com o seu parceiro sobre visitar os seus filhos, sublinhe que os quer fora de casa ou em sua casa.

It would be for the best. That way, you’ll get to spend time with your kids in peace, without having to pay attention to the possible tension between you and your soon-to-be-ex-husband/wife.

Para concluir

I know it’s difficult to accept that things have changed so much since last year when you were a happily casal and couldn’t even imagine that one day it’d come to this.

Life is unpredictable. Sometimes, even if we still have feelings for our spouse, we’re aware that divorce is the best option for both of you.

However, if divorce is something you’ve been thinking about since last week, you should take some time to think about it some more.

Deve começar com aconselhamento matrimonial ou qualquer outra coisa que ache que possa ajudar a salvar o casamento.

Married life isn’t easy; I know that. But, when you’re with the right person, together, you can overcome all obstacles that come your way.

Quando e se decidir divorciar-se, ignorar o seu cônjuge durante a separação ajudará a facilitar o processo para ambos.

Of course, sometimes it’ll be almost impossible, but with these tips, you’ll manage to deal with it in the most painless way, if we can say it that way.

I’ll end this with one more tip for you: arm yourself with patience because you’ll definitely need it, maybe now more than ever.