A melhor lista de limites para a sogra: 15 Limitações

Let’s take a deep breath and tackle one of the most sensitive, but crucial topics for every married woman: relações de parentesco. Ou, para ser exato, a sogra. Ou, devo dizer, a sogra-monstro?

Bem, deixem-me dar-vos uma boa notícia: it’s possible to have a relação saudável com o seu husband’s mother. And, you know what’s necessary for that to happen?

Esta lista de limites para sogra! A única forma de a impedir de se exceder e interferir em todos os aspectos da sua vida é estabelecer limites saudáveis desde o início.

Eis as regras básicas e as limitações mais importantes!

O que são limites saudáveis para os sogros?

Healthy boundaries with your husband’s family are all limitations, which impose them to finally understand that you’re his primary family now. They have to learn to respect you, your attitudes, opinions, privacy, personal time, and space…

Lista de limites para uma sogra

​Here is the ultimate list of boundaries for a mother in law that you should set if you want a happier family life.

1. Não criticar a relação

Rule number 1: nobody is allowed to criticize your relationship or either of the partners. Actually, let’s be clear: your sogra narcisistaA cunhada, o sogro, o melhor amigo ou um membro da família não tem o direito de ter uma opinião sobre a forma como você e o seu cônjuge gerem o vosso casamento.

Podem não gostar da forma como a senhora e o seu marido fazem alguma coisa. Podem não concordar com algumas das vossas decisões. Mas devem guardar a sua opinião para eles próprios.

I know I’ve heard my MIL telling me that “things weren’t like that back in her days” or “how she would do something differently”. She wasn’t criticizing my marriage straightforwardly, but she was definitely doing it indirectly.

That’s exactly why one of your ground rules should be to ban this right from the start. If you catch your MIL starting to criticize some of your relationship practices, tell her that it’s not acceptable and ask her for some privacy.

2. No “choosing the side”.

Let’s get one thing straight: parental love and romantic love are two different concepts. They can’t be measured, and they shouldn’t be compared.

No entanto, apesar disso, um dos mais comuns comportamentos tóxicos visto em famílias alargadas who don’t care about you is the practice of “choosing the side.”

“Do you really love her more than you love your mother?” “I can’t believe your wife’s needs are more important than mine.”

“She can come and go, but your mother stays with you forever.” “You can have as many wives as you want throughout your life, but you only have one mother.”

“Who will you trust more: me or her?” “Are you really going to choose her side?”

Parece-lhe familiar? Se lhe parece, a sua mãe está a tentar fazer com que o seu marido escolha entre si e ela.

This is not acceptable, and you have to make that clear from day one! Even if you and her don’t get along, she is still his mother and you’re his wife. That’s the end of it!

3. Limitações das férias

Here’s another important thing on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law, and it’s related to the holidays! I know what you must think right now: it’s only a couple of days a year, so why bother dealing with it?

Bem, acredite em mim quando lhe digo que deve estar na sua lista de limites para a sogra! As férias podem ser a altura mais feliz do ano, mas ao mesmo tempo podem ser um desastre à espera de acontecer e uma motivo da sua depressão.

It’s all up to you and up to the limits you set.

Quem vai ser o anfitrião das férias? Lembre-se que provavelmente também tem uma família alargada.

Vai passar todas as suas férias com a sua família alargada? Talvez, por vezes, queira usar esses dias para descansar e estar com o seu marido e filhos sem visitas.

Se os seus sogros vierem visitá-lo, onde é que eles vão ficar? Quanto tempo é que eles podem ficar em sua casa?

As mesmas perguntas aplicam-se às situações em que os vai visitar!

4. You’re in charge of your own children

Trust me: you’ll need to make a special list of boundaries for your mother-in-law once the new baby comes. I get it: she’ll be crazy for her grandkid, but please don’t let her forget that you and your husband are the primary caregivers!

Tu e o teu marido são os únicos responsáveis por coisas como amamentação, the baby’s sleeping schedule, etc. Of course, this applies to the children’s upbringing and your parenting style later in the future as well.

For example, if you decide that there’s no putting your child in front of the TV or no ice cream before dinner, she has to respect that, even if she disagrees with your decision! On the other hand, if you choose gentle parenting, she’s in no place to discipline your children in the way she finds appropriate!

Here’s a piece of advice: se pensa que o seu sogra won’t respect your decisions, limitations, and parenting style, don’t ask her to tomar conta de crianças.

Tell her that you don’t wish to burden her since you know your child is a piece of work!

5. Não interferir em decisões privadas

Private decisions regarding your marriage are not your MIL’s concern.

I’m talking about things such as the fact that you don’t want to have children or the way you divide your house chores. And, of course, let’s not forget everything related to finances!

I can’t stress the importance of this enough. Acredita em mim, há bisbilhoteiros sogras que tentarão literalmente espreitar por baixo dos vossos lençóis.

If you and your spouse decided not to cook on a daily basis, she’s in no position to talk you out of it. If you decided to have a cat instead of children, it’s your choice and she must respect it.

Remind her that you’re her daughter-in-law and not a machine for giving her grandkids. She mustn’t forget that you’re both adults, and that she has no right to invade your personal space, time, or decision-making process.

6. Não há favores se forem acompanhados de condições

How do you set boundaries with your MIL? Well, for starters, don’t accept any favors if they come with certain conditions (and, in most cases, they do).

Your MIL might offer to babysit. You’re probably exhausted and you’ll be more willing to accept.

Be careful because that is likely to be a trap! If you allow her to help you with the children, she’ll see it as a green light to interfere with your parenting methods.

O mesmo se passa com as finanças. Ela pode oferecer-lhe um empréstimo ou mesmo dar-lhe algum dinheiro quando você e o seu marido estiverem em crise.

However, that doesn’t give her the right to interfere with your future financial calls or to nag about your bad money management skills.

7. Não serão toleradas práticas passivo-agressivas

Here is another important thing on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law: don’t tolerate agressão passiva. Estas práticas nem sempre são fáceis de detetar, mas acredite, podem arruinar o seu casamento!

Por vezes, parece que o seu sogra difícil está preocupado com o seu bem-estar, but she’s actually making nasty comments about your parenting or marital skills. This must be identified and stopped on time.

You think that hateful remarks that hit below the belt are the worst. Well, there’s something even worse: iluminação artificial.

Sometimes, your husband’s mother will try to convince you, your husband, and the entire extended family that “she didn’t mean it like that” or that “you misinterpreted her advice”. Don’t let these practices continue!

O mais importante aqui é construir uma confiança ilimitada com a sua cara-metade. O seu marido vai acreditar em si ou nos seus próprios pais?

8. Your house – your rules

Por muito duro que isto possa parecer, esta regra é a forma de preservar a sua saúde mental. Repita comigo: as suas e apenas as suas regras aplicam-se à sua casa.

O seu sogra (e o seu os próprios pais) são apenas convidados e devem obedecer a estas regras.

First of all, there is no barging in and disrupting your peace. As much as you love your family, they can’t be showing up unannounced whenever they feel like it.

Questões importantes

Para que esta regra se aplique, a senhora e o seu marido têm de chegar a um acordo sobre as suas visitas.

Com que frequência podem vir cá a casa? Quanto tempo é que é suposto ficarem? As vossas famílias podem passar a noite ou é melhor ficarem no hotel?

Vai cozinhar jantares de família de vez em quando ou vai levar os seus sogros ao restaurante?

É claro que tudo isto depende da dinâmica familiar e de outros factores.

It’s one thing if your mother- and father-in-law live across the street. In that case, you have to put an effort into setting healthy boundaries unless you want to end up on a set of Everybody loves Raymond.

But, hey… you don’t want to end up like their favorite holiday destination or a free hotel they spend a few months a week in either.

9. Não cometer qualquer tipo de abuso

When people hear the word ‘abuse’, all they think is physical violence. But, trust me… there are numerous other formas de abuso que são características de uma vida familiar tóxica.

Tu e o teu marido têm de se tornar um frente unida e manter a atitude de que chamar nomes, insultar e humilhar também é uma forma de abuso. To be exact, it’s called abuso emocional, and it won’t be tolerated.

The no-abuse policy is especially important when it comes to your children. Your husband’s mother or your own mother will perhaps want to discipline their grandkids in the way they find appropriate.

Explain to them that they’re not allowed to spank them, yell at them, or abuse them in any other way. Don’t let your overstepping MIL even negotiate about this; it’s your decision and it has to be respected.

10. Regulamento sobre chamadas telefónicas e mensagens de texto

Here’s another important item on the list of boundaries for a mother-in-law: regulation of phone calls and text messages.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not advising you to block her on everything the moment you say “I do”. That wouldn’t be a healthy relationship either.

However, you didn’t get married to spend all of your days texting her and talking on the phone with her either. Therefore, para salvar a sua saúde mental, formam um frente unida with your husband, and agree when and how often it’s okay for her to call and text.

Once again, it all depends on the family dynamics. What if you’re used to hearing from your own parents every day, but your husband only texts his father and mother once a week?

In that case, you two have to find the middle ground here – a solution that will be acceptable for both of you.

11. Os conselhos indesejados não são bem-vindos

Isto pode ser um choque para todas as MILs que se excedem: ninguém precisa ou quer ouvir conselhos indesejados. Isto aplica-se ao seu casamento, ao novo bebé, o seu espaço pessoal, cooking skills… the list goes on and on.

But, what’s important is for your MIL to understand this as soon as possible. If you don’t ask for her opinion, she is not invited to give it to you.

However, you have to be extra careful here. She’ll probably get all defensive and do her best to convince you that she’s telling you all of it because she’s worried about your well-being.

And, maybe she really is. Nevertheless, both you and your husband are adults. You’re perfectly capable of making your own decisions.

Even if you regret them or do something wrong, you’re the only ones who suffer the consequences.

12. Encontros programados

We’ve already discussed the fact that your MIL has to know that she can’t come into your house unannounced and uninvited. Well, the best way to prevent this from happening is this item on the list of boundaries for mother-in-law-scheduled get-togethers.

Jantares em família, celebrations; it all has to be planned in advance. You’ll have enough time to clean the house, get your schedule in order, and get financially and mentally prepared.

It’s likely that your MIL will accuse you of treating her like a business partner once you try to impose this rule. Don’t let her get inside your head!

Just tell her that you’re busy, and that you’re doing all of this to give her your undivided attention when she’s with you!

13. A franqueza é encorajada

Não há necessidade de irmos para a esquina queixarmo-nos uns dos outros. Se o utilizador e qualquer membro do seu família alargada (e isto aplica-se especialmente à sua MIL) tem um problema uma com a outra, seja direta.

Of course, never forget to be respectful. You’re allowed to talk about whatever is bothering you as long as you do it properly.

14. A partilha de informações é voluntária

Algumas MILs pensam que, no momento em que recebem uma nora, também têm luz verde para entrar na sua vida, mente, coração e alma. Esta jovem tornou-se parte da família e, por isso, perdeu toda a sua individualidade.

Bem, errado!

You’re in no obligation to share your secrets or personal information with your MIL, especially if we’re talking about an ultrapassagem MIL. E ela não tem o direito de ficar chateada com isso.

You’re not hiding anything from her – you just chose to keep some things for yourself.

Being nosey is disrespectful and it equals invading your and your husband’s personal space. You two are a team, and whatever happens between you two should stay right there.

Tenha isto em mente: esta mulher pode tornar-se sua amiga com o tempo, mas esse nunca será o seu papel principal. Ela não é a sua melhor amiga a quem deve contar os seus desejos mais profundos e os seus segredos mais obscuros.

E ela não tem o direito de se queixar disso.

15. As regras são para ser respeitadas

This list of boundaries for a mother-in-law shouldn’t be just a bunch of theoretical rules that nobody actually follows. As regras e os regulamentos existem para serem respeitados, e a sua MIL tem de estar consciente disso desde o primeiro dia.

If necessary, mention the possible consequences of her overstepping. No, I’m not telling you to threaten her or to emotionally blackmail her. Just make sure she realizes that every action has its reaction!

Ver também: Os meus sogros tratam-me como um estranho: 8 coisas para fazer sobre isso

Como estabelecer limites com uma sogra autoritária?

Para começar, é preciso ser direto. Diga-lhe que a respeita e que adora o papel que ela tem na sua vida, mas definição de limites é necessário para o bem de todos vós. O que é ainda melhor é pedir ao seu cônjuge que estabeleça estes limites e que lhe explique a sua importância.

Ver também: Distanciar-se dos sogros: Deve fazê-lo e como?

Para terminar

I can’t emphasize enough how important this list of boundaries for a mother-in-law is. If you two are getting along great, you might think you don’t need these limitations, but trust me – you do.

You never know when things can start going downhill. That’s exactly why you need a list of rules that everyone respects.

Sometimes, these boundaries seem difficult to follow at first. However, once you all get used to them, you’ll see that they’re actually a recipe for a successful relationship.