Já não ando mais atrás de ti para provar que te amo

Pensei que tinha encontrado o amor. Pensei que finalmente tinha acabado de procurar o amor da minha vida. Pensei que tinha tudo, mas apercebi-me que não tinha nada.

No início, estava a sentir aquele entusiasmo antes de te ver.

O meu coração acelerou como um louco quando o meu telefone tocou e o teu nome apareceu no ecrã.

Mas essa sensação foi-se dissipando lentamente com o passar do tempo.

Tive a sensação de que, em vez de se aproximar de mim, estava a afastar-se de mim. Tive a sensação de que Tive de te perseguir para me sentir amado.

It turns out it wasn’t just a feeling. It was really happening.

At first, I was so happy that I had finally found someone who got me and with whom I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else for you to love me.

I could do whatever I felt like and I wasn’t judged. I wasn’t manipulated into doing something that I hated, I wasn’t controlled.

At least that’s what I thought but I was so mistaken, I was so manipulated.  

That is the ugliest side of control and manipulation. You can’t detect it and it consumes you and turns you into a person you don’t want to be.

And when you realize it, it’s too late, you’ve already been trapped.

You were that person who convinced me you’d be there when I fell, you swore you’d never try to change me because you loved me the way I was.

Disseste que serias honesto comigo porque era a única maneira a nossa relação sobreviveriamas fez exatamente o contrário.

Fizeste-me pensar que estavas a fazer todas estas coisas quando, na verdade, me enrolaste no teu dedo mindinho e fizeste tudo o que quiseste comigo.

Fizeste-me perseguir-te e implorar pelo teu amor. Nunca te perdoarei por isso, nem esquecerei.

I know I won’t be able to forget you either, at least not that soon.

Mas juro-te que um dia vou conseguir. Vou esforçar-me muito para esquecer todos os pequenos momentos que tivemos e que valeram a pena recordar, porque conseguimos.

Mesmo naquela relação abusiva, com toda aquela toxicidade, houve momentos em que pensei mesmo que me amavas.

Even if you didn’t, I’ll deliberately lie to myself and think that you did. It’s easier that way. It’s easier to think I meant at least one tiny bit to you.  

I swear to you, that after some time, you’re going to be nothing more than just an experience, a lesson that I paid a lot for, a mistake that will never happen again.

You didn’t deserve even to stay in my mind, you didn’t deserve not one tear that I shed for you, but I did it anyway because I was hurt, because I fell for your dirty jogos mentais. Não por tua causa.  

But it’s okay now. Now I’ve realized I won’t be chasing you anymore. I won’t be chasing anyone. I realized I don’t need to beg for attention, to beg for love.

I realized you never loved me and that’s fine. It’s not fine that you lied instead of telling me and letting me go.

Podias ter-me libertado. Teria doído menos do que agora.

My love for you should have been enough. You didn’t have to ask for anything else. But since you never loved me, you didn’t appreciate my love, so you wanted more.

Pediste-me cada vez mais, até que percebi que só te estavas a aproveitar de mim e a deixar-me triste, sem amor e emocionalmente esgotada.

I gave you chances to prove yourself, to prove to me that you cared, that you wanted us to last. You blew it because you didn’t give a damn and now I’m glad you didn’t.

Soon, you’re going to vanish from my mind and I will be able to go on living my life like I never met you, like I never made that mistake.