Nunca pensei que acabasses por ser o amor da minha vida

Lembro-me que quando te conheci pensei, “OMG, what an idiot.’  Não é um começo prometedor para uma história de amor. Nem num milhão de anos poderia imaginar que aquele mesmo idiota seria o amor da minha vida.

We were sitting at the same table at a wedding reception. You were cute but I hadn’t seen anything that would keep my attention. I remember you going from one girl to the next, smiling, flirting and dancing. You were confident, handsome and full of yourself – the true representation of a rapaz de merda.

I remember telling my friend that this guy had ‘TROUBLE’ written all over his face. Little did I know you’d become my favorite trouble.

We didn’t talk much that night. Just enough to see that you had game and that you were easy to talk to. Eight of us sitting at that table became very good friends after the wedding. We started hanging out very often afterward. I really saw you just as a friend for a long, long time. Até esse momento, apaixonei-me por ti.

Ainda consigo imaginar esse momento como se o estivesse a ver pela primeira vez. Estávamos um pouco bêbados. Por isso, estávamos descontraídos ao ponto de nos começarmos a abrir um com o outro.

I can’t remember what we were talking about. Mas lembro-me do momento em que olhei para os teus olhos e senti aquela faísca. Foi como nada que eu já tivesse experimentado na minha vida.

No fundo da minha mente, ainda sentia que eras um problema. Por causa disso, comecei a manter a distância e evitava passar tempo a sós contigo. Estávamos sempre entre amigos e, no final de cada noite, acabávamos sozinhos, a conversar.

A química entre nós era tão forte que eu me sentia tonta sempre que estava perto de ti. Tu também o sentias. Era tão evidente que os nossos amigos tinham começado a provocar-nos. O meu coração e claramente os meus desejos puxavam-me para ti e o meu cérebro afastava-se.

Sempre fui de seguir o meu cérebro, de seguir o meu instinto, mas desta vez segui o meu coração.

And that cost me so many tears. I still can’t understand how someone I ended up loving so much was the same person who hurt me the most.

Tu jogavas jogos. You chased me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I fell right into your arms. Your heart was pounding so loud the first time you kissed me that it almost silenced the beating of mine.

Caí nos teus braços e apaixonei-me por ti com tanta força que não havia como voltar atrás.

 

After the kiss, after you made me the happiest that I’d ever been, you just disappeared. You bailed on me. You stopped texting me and you wouldn’t answer my calls. You became a ghost.

I couldn’t believe it. I cried my heart out. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function properly. I never thought you would be able to hurt me intentionally. Arrependi-me de ter seguido o meu coração.

Telefonou-me umas semanas mais tarde. Depois de cerca de dez chamadas não atendidas, decidi atender. A tua voz estava trémula. Imploraste-me que te encontrasse. Querias falar, querias explicar-te. Eu disse que sim. Precisava de encerrar o assunto. Precisava de saber o que tinha acontecido.

“I got scared. You don’t understand, you are perfect. You are the kind of girl I would like to marry one day. You are the girl. You are the one and I am not ready to settle down.”

I didn’t know what you were talking about. Who said anything about marriage? We had only just started something. What the hell were you talking about? And after hours and hours of going round in circles, you asked me the last thing I wanted to hear. You asked me to be friends.

I said we could hang out when we were in the same group of friends but I didn’t want to look at you knowing what had happened. I was mad at you and in love with you at the same time. I didn’t want to pretend that we were just friends as it hurt so badly.

Vi muitos de vós. Sempre entre amigos. Sempre perto mas ao mesmo tempo tão distante. Isso magoava-me e comecei a evitar essas situações. Se eu soubesse que ias a algum lado, não ia lá nessa altura. Mantive a minha distância e tornei a minha vida mais fácil.

Em algum momento, Eu segui em frente. I hadn’t seen you for months. And I started seeing somebody else. A good guy, a safe guy who could never play me like you did. And I began to feel happy again. I left you in the past. At least I thought so.

When I saw you, almost half a year later, my legs started shaking. All the feelings that I thought were gone came rushing back. I knew right away that whatever we had wasn’t over for me yet.

I realized that the feelings I had for you didn’t come back, they just came out of hiding. Because I had hidden them somewhere way back, inside my heart, and I refused to deal with them. I never got over you, I was just deluding myself.

Perguntaste-me se eu o amava e eu disse que sim, sabendo que estava a mentir no momento em que disse essas palavras. Eu só queria magoar-te. Só queria que sentisses a mesma dor que me tinhas causado.

I managed to do so. I saw you crumbling down for the first time since I’d known you. Mr Tough Guy was almost on his knees, breaking right in front of me, telling me that he had been stupid, that he had made a huge mistake, that he hoped that someday we would be together.

I said, “It’s too late for us.”

You said, “It’s never too late for true love.”

I thought that was just one of those clichéd things people say. I didn’t believe it at that moment. I couldn’t allow myself to trust you again. I was certain that you would disappear again as soon as you got me back.

Lembro-me de ir para casa depois disso, a chorar muito, sem conseguir recuperar o fôlego.

 

Days passed and you were on my mind constantly. I couldn’t run from my feelings anymore. I had to face the truth and leave the guy I was dating. I couldn’t stay with him knowing that all my love was with you. I had nothing to give him. If I stayed it would have been worse than cheating.

I chose to stay alone. I couldn’t be with you because I couldn’t trust you. I was too scared of that kind of risk. I thought it was some kind of game you were playing and you would get bored of me as soon as you got me.

Eu escolhi-me a mim. Durante mais de um ano, estive solteira. Encontrei um emprego no estrangeiro durante alguns meses e depois encontrei um novo emprego quando regressei ao meu país.

Participei num concurso de dança, conheci pessoas novas, fiz voluntariado num abrigo para animais, fui fazer caminhadas todos os fins-de-semana. Estava a fazer coisas para mim, coisas que sempre quis fazer e nunca fiz e coisas que me pareciam boas na altura.

Estava a descobrir-me a mim próprio. Sentia-me à vontade para estar sozinha. Sentia-me mais vivo do que alguma vez me sentira em toda a minha vida. Sentia-me realizado. Era feliz sozinho, mas tu continuavas no meu coração.

I knew it wouldn’t pass. So when you called that Sunday morning, I felt so happy to see your name on the screen. You said you wanted to talk. You said, “Let’s meet.”

E foi o que fizemos.

My heart was in my mouth the entire time we spoke. Your hands were shaking and you couldn’t sit still. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. We talked about us mostly.

Pediste-me uma segunda oportunidade. Disseste que eu devia apostar em ti e que farias com que eu nunca me arrependesse dessa decisão. Pediste-me para confiar em ti mais uma vez. E pela primeira vez, senti que o meu coração e o meu cérebro estavam em sincronia. Senti-me amada.

Against all odds, I took the risk. I placed all my bets on you and I haven’t regretted it to this day. You got rid of all your fears. You made me forget about mine. You show me every day that I am the love of your life.

You turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. You are now someone I never imagined you to be. You are my ‘always and forever’.