Non avrei mai pensato che saresti diventato l'amore della mia vita

Ricordo che quando ti ho incontrato per la prima volta ho pensato, “OMG, what an idiot.’  Non proprio un inizio promettente per una storia d'amore. Neanche in un milione di anni avrei potuto immaginare che quello stesso idiota sarebbe stato l'amore della mia vita.

We were sitting at the same table at a wedding reception. You were cute but I hadn’t seen anything that would keep my attention. I remember you going from one girl to the next, smiling, flirting and dancing. You were confident, handsome and full of yourself – the true representation of a fuckboy.

I remember telling my friend that this guy had ‘TROUBLE’ written all over his face. Little did I know you’d become my favorite trouble.

We didn’t talk much that night. Just enough to see that you had game and that you were easy to talk to. Eight of us sitting at that table became very good friends after the wedding. We started hanging out very often afterward. I really saw you just as a friend for a long, long time. Fino a quel momento mi sono innamorata di te.

Riesco ancora a immaginare quel momento come se lo vedessi per la prima volta. Eravamo un po' ubriachi. Eravamo rilassati al punto che abbiamo iniziato ad aprirci l'uno con l'altro.

I can’t remember what we were talking about. Ma ricordo il momento in cui ti ho guardato negli occhi e ho sentito quella scintilla. Non avevo mai provato nulla di simile in vita mia.

In fondo alla mia mente, sentivo ancora che eri un problema. Per questo motivo, ho iniziato a mantenere le distanze e a evitare di passare del tempo da solo con te. Eravamo sempre tra amici e alla fine di ogni serata ci ritrovavamo da soli a parlare.

L'intesa tra noi era così forte che mi sentivo stordito ogni volta che ti stavo vicino. Anche tu lo sentivi. Era così evidente che i nostri amici avevano iniziato a prenderci in giro. Il mio cuore e chiaramente i miei desideri mi attiravano verso di te, mentre il mio cervello si allontanava.

Sono sempre stato uno che segue il cervello, che segue l'istinto, ma questa volta ho seguito il cuore.

And that cost me so many tears. I still can’t understand how someone I ended up loving so much was the same person who hurt me the most.

Hai fatto dei giochi. You chased me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I fell right into your arms. Your heart was pounding so loud the first time you kissed me that it almost silenced the beating of mine.

Sono caduta tra le tue braccia e mi sono innamorata di te così tanto che non è stato possibile tornare indietro.

 

After the kiss, after you made me the happiest that I’d ever been, you just disappeared. You bailed on me. You stopped texting me and you wouldn’t answer my calls. You became a ghost.

I couldn’t believe it. I cried my heart out. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function properly. I never thought you would be able to hurt me intentionally. Mi sono pentita di aver seguito il mio cuore.

Mi hai chiamato qualche settimana dopo. Dopo una decina di chiamate perse, decisi di rispondere. La tua voce era tremolante. Mi hai pregato di incontrarti. Volevi parlare, volevi spiegarti. Ho detto di sì. Avevo bisogno di chiudere. Avevo bisogno di sapere cosa era successo.

“I got scared. You don’t understand, you are perfect. You are the kind of girl I would like to marry one day. You are the girl. You are the one and I am not ready to settle down.”

I didn’t know what you were talking about. Who said anything about marriage? We had only just started something. What the hell were you talking about? And after hours and hours of going round in circles, you asked me the last thing I wanted to hear. You asked me to be friends.

I said we could hang out when we were in the same group of friends but I didn’t want to look at you knowing what had happened. I was mad at you and in love with you at the same time. I didn’t want to pretend that we were just friends as it hurt so badly.

Ti ho visto spesso. Sempre tra amici. Sempre vicino ma allo stesso tempo così distante. Mi faceva male, così ho iniziato a evitare quelle situazioni. Se sapevo che stavi per andare da qualche parte, non ci andavo quella volta. Ho mantenuto le distanze e mi sono semplificata la vita.

Ad un certo punto, Sono andato avanti. I hadn’t seen you for months. And I started seeing somebody else. A good guy, a safe guy who could never play me like you did. And I began to feel happy again. I left you in the past. At least I thought so.

When I saw you, almost half a year later, my legs started shaking. All the feelings that I thought were gone came rushing back. I knew right away that whatever we had wasn’t over for me yet.

I realized that the feelings I had for you didn’t come back, they just came out of hiding. Because I had hidden them somewhere way back, inside my heart, and I refused to deal with them. I never got over you, I was just deluding myself.

Mi hai chiesto se lo amavo e io ho detto di sì, sapendo di mentire nel momento stesso in cui ho pronunciato quelle parole. Volevo solo farti del male. Volevo che tu provassi lo stesso dolore che avevi causato a me.

I managed to do so. I saw you crumbling down for the first time since I’d known you. Mr Tough Guy was almost on his knees, breaking right in front of me, telling me that he had been stupid, that he had made a huge mistake, that he hoped that someday we would be together.

I said, “It’s too late for us.”

You said, “It’s never too late for true love.”

I thought that was just one of those clichéd things people say. I didn’t believe it at that moment. I couldn’t allow myself to trust you again. I was certain that you would disappear again as soon as you got me back.

Ricordo che dopo quella volta tornai a casa piangendo a dirotto, senza riuscire a riprendere fiato.

 

Days passed and you were on my mind constantly. I couldn’t run from my feelings anymore. I had to face the truth and leave the guy I was dating. I couldn’t stay with him knowing that all my love was with you. I had nothing to give him. If I stayed it would have been worse than cheating.

I chose to stay alone. I couldn’t be with you because I couldn’t trust you. I was too scared of that kind of risk. I thought it was some kind of game you were playing and you would get bored of me as soon as you got me.

Ho scelto me. Per più di un anno sono stato single. Ho trovato un lavoro all'estero per qualche mese e poi ne ho trovato un altro quando sono tornata a casa.

Ho partecipato a una gara di ballo, ho conosciuto nuove persone, ho fatto volontariato in un rifugio per animali, ho fatto escursioni ogni fine settimana. Facevo cose per me, cose che avevo sempre voluto fare e che non avevo mai fatto e che mi sembravano buone per me in quel momento.

Stavo scoprendo me stessa. Mi sentivo a mio agio a stare da sola. Mi sentivo più viva che mai in tutta la mia vita. Ero appagata. Ero felice da sola, ma tu eri ancora nel mio cuore.

I knew it wouldn’t pass. So when you called that Sunday morning, I felt so happy to see your name on the screen. You said you wanted to talk. You said, “Let’s meet.”

E così abbiamo fatto.

My heart was in my mouth the entire time we spoke. Your hands were shaking and you couldn’t sit still. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. We talked about us mostly.

Mi hai chiesto una seconda possibilità. Mi hai detto che avrei dovuto scommettere su di te e che avresti fatto in modo che non mi pentissi mai di quella decisione. Mi hai chiesto di fidarmi di te ancora una volta. E per la prima volta ho sentito che il mio cuore e il mio cervello erano in sintonia. Mi sono sentita amata.

Against all odds, I took the risk. I placed all my bets on you and I haven’t regretted it to this day. You got rid of all your fears. You made me forget about mine. You show me every day that I am the love of your life.

You turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. You are now someone I never imagined you to be. You are my ‘always and forever’.