O que devo fazer quando o meu marido pensa que não faz nada de errado?

O meu marido pensa que não faz nada de errado. Ele nunca considera a minha ponto de vista e dá-me o tratamento silencioso sempre que exprimo a minha sentimentos próprios.

And lately, we’ve been going through a really rocky period…

Does this resonate with you? If so, don’t worry because you’re definitely not alone. Every happy marriage goes through a rough patch. And I’m here to help you see if there’s a way out of this mess.

Many would say to try marriage counseling (which isn’t a bad idea) mas acredito que quando alguém nos dá um milhão razões para duvidar das suas intenções, faça isso mesmo.

We’ve all dealt with toxic people at some point. The thing is, you need to know when to throw in the towel.

If your hubby throws a tantrum every time you voice your concerns and gives you a hard time whenever you do something wrong, maybe he’s not your soulmate after all?

Esteja atento a estes sinais. Se reconhecer o seu outra pessoa significativa em qualquer um deles, o meu conselho é que fuja para as colinas.

As suas mudanças de humor tornaram-se insuportáveis

One day, he’s the kindest man on earth, and the next, you’re walking on eggshells around him. 

Por vezes, consideramo-lo o nosso melhor amigomas sem qualquer aviso, ele transforma-se num narcisista que gosta de destruir a sua autoestima. E boa sorte para descobrir a causa de tudo isto!

And the worst thing is, when you’re not sure which version of him you’re getting, you’re scared that he might break up with you out of the blue.

You’re never sure if he’s happy, disgruntled, annoyed, cheerful or frustrated. Ele entra e sai das suas várias personalidades.

If he’s annoyed, he’ll give you a not-so-subtle sigh or a raised eyebrow, just so you notice something is wrong. But God forbid he actually communicates it properly.

Muitas vezes, dá por si a arranjar desculpas para ele, apesar de, no fundo, saber que a culpa não é sua.

You’re just so eager to make him happy that you put up with his tantrums that are destroying your mental health day by day.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Don’t fall into this trap. Toxic people are very well aware of how far decent people will go to keep them happy. Don’t be that person.

Afaste-se dele assim que o vir mudar de humor. Unless you want him to become your ex-husband, let go of your need to please and talk to him once he’s normal again.

This is a clear personality disorder that you should’ve called out the first time it started. You should never have to guess why someone’s being an asshole.

Married couples shouldn’t put up with emotional abuse. Either communicate properly or get out.

Ver também: Sente-se mal amado? Aqui estão as possíveis razões e como resolver o problema

Ele manipula-te para que penses que lhe deves

Usually, when my husband thinks he’s done nothing wrong, I mimic his behavior, to subtly let him know what an ass he’s being.

And most of the time it works. See, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life fixing a horrible person. Either you’re invested in this marriage or I’m out.

But the moment you notice him manipulating you, call it out. Here’s how he might be doing it without you knowing:

Ele faz algo de bom para si e espera que retribua o favor. Ele nunca faz nada de especialpor bondade do seu coração.

Ele pode ir buscar a roupa à lavandaria (oh, que tarefa tão difícil) e depois esfregar-lha na cara durante as semanas seguintes. Como se isso te fizesse ficar em dívida com ele de alguma forma.

People who do kind things to have something to hold over you SUCK. Even if it’s your family members. 

É preciso ter uma habilidade especial para manipular alguém tão suavemente, por isso pense nisso antes de o ignorar. Se ele se esforça muito para a fazer sentir mal, até que ponto é que ele realmente se importa?

O que é que se deve fazer?

First, realize that you don’t owe him anything. Everytime he tries to make you do something you don’t want, ask him why he doesn’t do it himself?

Let him know that you’re not doing anything that’s counter-productive to your well-being. You’re more than happy to be there for him, but not at any cost.

People in intimate relationships have to balance each other out. When one person is constantly asking, and the other keeps giving, that’s no longer a marriage.

That’s an emotionally abusive relationship.

Ele projecta os seus sentimentos em si

Again, it takes a really sneaky human being to successfully do this and get away with it. Here’s a great example:

Let’s say your husband is having a bad day. He’s cranky, nervous, and anxious. The minute you ask him what’s wrong, he almost bites your head off.

But worse, he accuses YOU of being mad. And the thing is, you often believe him. But don’t. He can’t own his feelings, which is why he projects them onto you.

You’re always resorting to defensiveness as if there’s something to apologize for. He makes you think that you’re the problem and that you’re the one being unfair to him.

But that’s what mestres manipuladores fazer. Now that you’re aware, stop before you apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

It’s time for him to own his feelings and stop putting so much hard work into causing you emotional distress.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Next time he accuses you of being in a bad mood, don’t defend yourself. Consider if this is, in fact, true, or if he’s being evasive.

You’re not responsible for anyone’s misfired accusations. Enfrentá-lo diretamente com as suas emoções não resolvidas.

Be calm, collected, and tell him you’re feeling particularly at ease today. You honestly cannot understand what he’s talking about. Your complete calmness will unnerve and rattle him.

And once he inevitably explodes (with emotion) words will be unnecessary. It’ll be more than clear who the angered one is.

Ele chantageia-a emocionalmente

Countless times you’ve found yourself having to choose between him and someone else. And somehow, you know it’s not really a choice. You tem de escolheram-no.

Ele tem ciúmes de um amigo homem (devido aos seus graves problemas de confiança) e proíbe-a de passar o pouco tempo que tem com ele.

And if you disobey him, he’ll turn into a drama king. That’s what toxic people do. It’s either their way or the highway.

He waits until you’re really attached to him, then he starts using it against you in the most deceitful ways.

“If you really loved me, you’d give me your redes sociais passwords.” “If you do this for me, I’ll consider seeing a conselheiro matrimonial.” “If you stop mensagens de texto Mark, I’ll stop giving you a tempo difícil.”

And the main issue with this? It’s never enough for him. No matter what you do, he never appreciates it. You are forced to do what he wants, or he’ll make you suffer.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Stop giving him control over your own life. Nobody can make you do something you’re not comfortable with.

If you want to text with your male best friend, do it! If your husband has a problem with that, he can go have himself a panic attack over nothing but you’re not budging.

Em vez de pensar: O meu marido pensa que não faz nada de errado, dizer a si próprio que your husband knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s just pushing your boundaries!

It’s these seemingly little things that’ll show him you’re not his puppet. Stand up for yourself without feeling guilty.

He can’t say he’s sorry

A minha cunhada debatia-se exatamente com este problema (engraçado, eu sei!). O seu companheiro esvaziou a conta bancária sem lhe dizer nada e depois fê-la sentir-se louca por ter problemas com isso.

O tipo emprestou uma data de dinheiro à sua melhor amiga e gastou basicamente todas as suas poupanças sem a consultar. E NUNCA pediu desculpa. 

That’s when I realized something. If a guy can do something so bad and never feel the need to apologize, I’d rather stay single.

I’m not going to wait a couple of years for him to understand what an ass he was. Either you’re my equal, or I’m not wasting my time on you.

If your man can’t say sorry to save his life, it shows you his investment in your marriage. Someone who doesn’t consider your feelings doesn’t appreciate you.

He needs to be able to own up to his actions and take responsibility. Otherwise, he’ll keep doing shady things because he knows you’ll put up with it.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Here’s a really important thing I’ve learned in life. Algumas pessoas preocupam-se mais em ter razão do que em ser justas.

And you’ll be damned if you’re going to let him slide with any of his BS again. If he can’t offer you a sincere apology, no problem. You’ll move on without him.

But don’t ever let a man make a fool of you. You’re not insecure, nor are you codependent. You’re perfectly fine being on your own until you find a man with his life together.

Until then, give your bestie a phone call and go for a memorable night out on the town. After all, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

Ver também: A minha alma está cansada: Reconhecer os sinais de uma alma cansada e corrigi-la

Ele concentra-se no seu tom e não no que o causou

I can’t tell you how often my husband thinks he’s done nothing wrong when in fact, he’s being a real idiot (I do love him, promise).

And this particular issue is what I’m most annoyed at. Whenever I’m trying to get my point across, he’ll focus on my tone of voice, instead of the issue I’m trying to present.

Most of the time, there isn’t an issue with my manner, even though it’s totally okay if there is. After all, we’re trying to resolve an issue. Of curso, as coisas vão aquecer um pouco.

So I’ve learned to bypass this over time. I don’t let him focus on the irrelevant stuff when I know he’s just being evasive.

We’re going to work this stuff out, and no, I’m not apologizing for my tone of voice. Why? Because there isn’t a problem with it.

People will always try to be sly about making it about something else so that they don’t have to deal with an issue.

But that’s where you come in. Don’t let him unnerve you and stay on topic. There’s no getting around this issue.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Como eu disse, não se meta em sarilhos. As pessoas vão a extremos para se livrarem de ter de lidar com as coisas difíceis. 

But not if you don’t let them. Recognize his attempts to confuse you and go off-topic and nip them in the bud. Persist in your attempt to speak about what’s bothering you without justifying yourself.

He knows exactly what he’s doing, so don’t let him provoke you. If this issue keeps being present regardless of your attempts to stay on-topic, know when to walk away.

It’s better to be by yourself than around people who are determined to make you appear crazy.

He often leaves you on ‘read’ and doesn’t answer his phone

You’ll be texting and things will start to heat up. You’ll try to get some information out of him, and he’ll just leave without finishing the conversation.

You’ll be weirded out as you know that he’s aware of how important this particular matter is to you, so you’ll convince yourself he’s just really busy.

Mas o facto é que isto acontece com mais frequência do que nunca. He leaves conversations unfinished the moment it gets uncomfortable and then doesn’t answer his phone when you try to get a hold of him.

What gives? Could he really be that big of an ass or is he just suddenly extremely preoccupied? Here’s the deal. People who want to reply, always make time.

Texting you back takes all of one minute. So my guess is that he doesn’t really care, otherwise he’d get back to you ASAP.

If he’s aware that this is something important to you, yet he leaves you hanging, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

O que é que se deve fazer?

Tão simples. Dá-lhe a provar do seu próprio remédio. Pára de responder os seus textos e ficar indisponível ao telefone. Veja se ele gosta.

Once the tables are turned you can bet your ass that he’ll have a problem with that. E então uma de duas coisas vai acontecer.

Either he’ll man up, apologize and start taking you seriously, or he’ll accuse you of “not being there for him.” If it’s the latter, don’t bother engaging.

Leave him on real-life ‘read’, and find someone who’s maturity level is over 12 years of age.

Relacionadas: O meu marido interpreta mal tudo o que eu digo: como resolver o problema?

Ele julga-o

He takes a swipe at your self-esteem whenever he’s not happy about your choices. And that’s one of as piores coisas que um marido pode fazer.

We’re all flawed human beings. You make mistakes, then learn from them. Nobody is perfect, especially him. 

Por isso, quando ele tiver a decência de te estragar a festa e de te fazer sentir insegura, julgada e indigna por teres cometido um pequeno erro, pensa no tipo de pessoa que ele é.

Does someone who’s supposed to love you unconditionally and be your rock get to put you down when he sees fit?

Terá ele razão para julgar as suas escolhas, os seus erros e as suas decisões de vida, quando ele próprio não tem falhas? A resposta clara é não.

Unless you’ve done something that has negatively impacted him, he’s not entitled to judge you in any way. Your significant other should love you for all of your flaws and shortcomings.

He should stand by your side when the world crashes on your shoulders and pick you up when you falter. He should be your safe haven when the world gets dark and hold your hand when you’re feeling lost.

Judgment of any kind is a toxic trait that isn’t welcome in a marriage. Be careful who you call your husband. If he’s only there for the good times, how can you ever lean on him?

O que é que se deve fazer?

If your husband keeps messing up but you let it slide day after day, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice.

Ao deixar que ele a julgue, está a subestimar-se a si própria. You’re worthy of a man who’ll see your worth amidst your darkest times. You are worthy of a man who’ll weather the storms by your side.

Começa a ver o teu próprio valor e deixa de deixar que o teu marido te faça sentir algo que não seja suficiente. Você não é os seus erros. 

And anyone who makes you feel like you are doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Consider this before choosing this man as your companion through life.

You show people how you want to be treated. Demand respect and appreciation without apologizing for it. If you can’t get it from him, you’ll find it elsewhere.

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Choose Yourself…

My husband thinks he does nothing wrong, but I’ll damn well show him that he, in fact, does plenty of things wrong.

That’s the only acceptable attitude you should embrace from now on. Choose yourself, love yourself, and create a life that breeds joy.

Engaging in self-care is a fundamental aspect of creating an environment you can thrive in. Once you raise your standards, you’ll never diminish the quality of your life again.

Honor your sense of self and move away from anyone who takes away from your joy. Loving yourself isn’t selfish, it’s mandatory.

Refamiliarize yourself with the meaning of love, devotion, and respect and realize when it’s time to let go of someone.

A frustração é a linha extremamente ténue entre o que as pessoas esperam de si e quem realmente é. Escolha a segunda opção e seja, sem qualquer remorso, o seu eu autêntico e cru.

“You need to love yourself. Love yourself so much to the point that your energy and aura reject anyone who doesn’t know your worth.” – Billy Chapata