O que deve fazer quando o seu homem stressado se retira?

Quando confrontados com momentos difíceis, na maioria das vezes, os homens recorrem ao isolamento.

So when your stressed man withdraws with no explanation, don’t take it personally.

If you sense that he needs space (even though you’re in a long-term relationship and you want to talk things through), give it to him.

Here’s the deal with men in stressful situations: Instead of coping, men pull away due to their fight or flight response.

When they’re under a lot of stress, they suppress their emotions, which manifests as them being distant toward their loved ones.

Mas todas as grandes relações têm os seus altos e baixos e lidar com situações de stress faz parte do processo!

Don’t worry if he runs away to his man cave every now and again. It’s his way of dealing.

And as someone who’s had her fair share of aloof and distant men, here’s something to help you handle this challenging period.

Ver também: Uma relação disfuncional: O que é e como reconhecer os sinais

Quais são as razões mais comuns que levam os homens a afastarem-se?

Os seus níveis de stress são extremamente elevados

Todos podemos concordar que o stress é um dos maiores factores na forma como lidamos com as situações do dia a dia, e o mundo neste momento está todo o tipo de confusão, por isso um homem que se retira não é assim tão surpreendente.

Have you stopped to think that maybe he’s been going through a lot at work?

Existem outros aspectos da vida dele que lhe causam ansiedade ou exigem um grande esforço?

I’m sure that, just like you, he also has a lot on his plate, and sometimes it’s hard for him to process his emotions.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t automatically assume that it’s you and give him space. Right now, that’s probably all he craves.

He’s feeling a little suffocated in your relationship

Quando duas pessoas estão numa relação feliz e saudável, os seus corpos libertam a hormona oxitocina.

Nas mulheres, esta hormona é conhecida por diminuir o stress, mas nos homens diminui o nível de testosterona, o que, na verdade, induz o stress.

Por isso, quando vir o seu homem a retrair-se, é a sua forma de recuperar os níveis de testosterona!

No matter how happy your love relationship is, he’s going to withdraw until he starts feeling like a man again.

It might seem silly, but it’s how men’s brains operate.

And while there’s not much you can do about it, it’s reassuring to know it’s not (necessarily) you.

He’s emotionally immature

Let’s hope this isn’t the case. Basically, when men are in love, they respond in one of two ways.

Ou são suficientemente maduros para abraçar o amor e simplesmente deixá-lo ir, ou afastam-se.

Por isso, quando o seu homem stressado se retrair, saiba que, afinal, pode não ser stress.

Pode muito bem ser a imaturidade emocional dele a impedi-lo de a amar como você merece.

Lidar com um amor abrangente faz com que ele queira retirar-se para a sua caverna de homem e dar alguns passos atrás.

And unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. He just needs to put on his big boy pants and start acting his age.

He fears that he’s starting to lose his freedom

A liberdade é algo que os homens consideram inestimável.

And I haven’t met a man on this earth who didn’t fear commitment precisely due to the false idea of losing their freedom.

If you merely mention marriage to a man, you’ll see him clam up. It’s like a death certificate.

Graças a Deus, há um pequeno número de pessoas que são realmente fixes em relação a isto.

But if your man has fallen for you and things are heating up, know that he may be worried about losing any freedom he’s had thus far.

And when a man pulls away, it’s usually just as things are getting serious.

Mais uma vez, a responsabilidade é toda dele. O amor dele por si tem de se sobrepor aos seus medos imaturos. Pode demorar pouco tempo, por isso, tenha paciência com ele.

Ver também: Relacionamento enredado: Definição, sinais e dicas para superá-lo

Como pode ajudar a situação?

Don’t interrogate him, let him come to you

There are few things men hate more than the question ”What’s wrong?” If he wanted to tell you what was wrong, he would have.

People can’t be forced into having certain conversations unless they’re ready.

You can’t expect your man to open up when you feel like it. It doesn’t work that way. Sense the vibe of the situation and respect it.

His stress hormones could be going berserk right now and it’s crazy to expect him to open up just like that.

If he’s going through something, you need to let him come to you of his own volition.

Anything other than that will be forced and won’t help matters at all.

You want him to feel safe, comfortable, and relaxed, right? Then playing detective won’t help you.

Let him go through his thing, respect his space, and don’t crowd him.

When he’s ready to talk, he’ll give you a hint. But when a stressed man withdraws, the last thing you should do is resort to ‘attack mode’.

Patience is your best friend here. Stress management ain’t easy, so let him take control of his emotions before diving deep into this.

Create a comfort zone where he’ll be likely to respond to your subtle attempts

It’s all about feeling safe and not like you’re being attacked. He needs to know that you’re not interested in starting a fight.

Está apenas a tentar ajudá-lo a encontrar uma forma de sair do seu buraco.

Take him out to lunch to his favorite restaurant or go for a picnic. Create a comfortable environment where he’ll be more likely to open up.

Here’s how I do it. If I suspect a certain issue, I’ll just downright say ”I have a feeling things aren’t going so well with your new boss” and he’ll take the bait.

He’ll open up because I made it easier on him by openly broaching the subject.

If you have any suspicions as to what has made your stressed man withdraw, don’t be shy to say it.

Combine that with a soothing, relaxing atmosphere, your warm tone, and he’ll immediately feel relieved to tell you all about it.

Just don’t rush it. Observe the signs he’s giving out. If you sense that he’s still hesitant to discuss it, leave it be.

Now he knows that you’re there, and he’ll talk when his stress levels decrease.

Offer him a conversational inroad, and he’ll reveal his inner issues sooner rather than later. It’s all about knowing your audience.

Ver também: Identificar, lidar e sobreviver a uma sogra narcisista

Know that it most probably isn’t you

A pior coisa que pode fazer é assumir que tem algo a ver consigo e fazê-lo sentir-se ainda mais desconfortável.

Don’t start panicking until you have solid proof that his behavior stems from something you did or said.

If you do, you’re only going to worsen things for him and give him yet another cause for concern.

Tive uma amiga cujo namorado passou por uma fase complexa.

Ele retraiu-se, deixou de lhe enviar mensagens como normalmente fazia e agiu de forma distante. Ela ficou fora de si a pensar que era ela.

E sabem o que é que ela fez? Em vez de ter uma conversa madura, ela atacou-o (verbalmente), apontou o dedo e fez com que tudo se resumisse a ela.

Even though she’s a friend of mine, I was disgusted by her actions. Why?

Porque as pessoas têm todo o direito de passar por momentos difíceis sem terem de justificar o seu afastamento súbito.

Não podemos fazer com que as pessoas se sintam ainda pior do que já se sentem porque não conseguimos lidar com o facto de agirem de uma determinada forma.

And as for my friend’s situation, it turned out her man was dealing with the death of a friend.

Foram muito próximos durante toda a faculdade, mas recentemente desentenderam-se. E antes de terem hipótese de resolver a situação, ele faleceu.

Por isso, é evidente que ele precisava de tempo, espaço e paciência para lidar com as suas próprias emoções antes de estar pronto para falar sobre o assunto.

Graças a Deus que acabaram, porque a forma como ela o fez sentir enquanto ele estava de luto foi simplesmente horrível.

Let your man breathe for a second. You cannot imagine what he’s going through, so you should never assume that it’s you.

Há outras pessoas na vida dele, sabes?

Find someone else to confide in until he’s mentally ready again

You have to be mindful of his current emotional state. I’m guessing he’s not in the mood for talking and sharing right now, and that’s okay.

As pessoas precisam de tempo e nós temos de o respeitar.

Fale com os seus entes queridos sobre quaisquer questões que o estejam a incomodar e deixe que eles ajudá-la até que o seu homem esteja melhor.

A última coisa que se quer fazer é sobrecarregá-lo ainda mais.

Este é o momento de se virar para os mais próximos e queridos, dando-lhes tempo para lidar com as suas dificuldades.

As relações são um refúgio seguro de tudo o que se passa à nossa volta, mas por vezes é preciso ler nas entrelinhas e saber quando dar um passo atrás.

Sometimes – it means a literal step back. Give him space, both emotionally and physically, let him know that you’re here for him and go spend time with your friends.

It’ll be a perfect escape for both of you. He’ll have some peace of mind and you’ll be in a well-known, safe environment where you’re free to share your concerns.

Conheça o seu parceiro suficientemente bem para o deixar ficar sozinho quando ele precisar, mas continue a apoiá-lo totalmente e a estar ao seu serviço.

Ver também: Regra de não contacto: O poder do silêncio após uma separação

Don’t share his problems with anyone

Let’s put it this way.

If he’s not willing to share his problems with you, his long-term partner, he most definitely doesn’t want them to be known to anyone else.

You must respect his privacy and not be tempted to tell anyone anything – even your best friend.

His issues shouldn’t become public knowledge, especially since you don’t even know the extent of them.

Como se sentiria se o seu homem decidisse contar aos amigos todos os seus problemas mais íntimos?

You’d probably feel exposed, vulnerable, and like your privacy had been breached.

That’s exactly how it would feel for him too. So yeah, it’s understandable that you need someone to talk to about this, but you can’t.

Until your man opens up, tells you what’s on his mind, and gives you permission to speak about it, your lips must remain sealed.

If you keep quiet, he’ll know that his secrets are safe with you (if he didn’t already know it).

He’ll know that he made the right choice when he committed to you.

And in his eyes, you’ll be the best girlfriend ever. It’s important that we’re able to contain ourselves when we feel like we can’t.

If you don’t, it doesn’t really breed confidence and it will be a bad sign for your relationship.

Mantenha os seus problemas em segredo e a sua relação irá prosperar por isso.

Don’t be foolish and think that this issue can be resolved in the bedroom

It’s really foolish to think that men only want one thing. They are big fans of bedroom romps, sure, but it’s not a cure for his issues.

Don’t use your flirty methods as a means to cheer him up or make him forget about things.

It’s not going to work, because he’s issues are deeper than that.

Para além disso, é provável que os seus níveis de stress afectem negativamente o seu desempenho, e nenhum de vocês quer isso.

And if he thinks that this is your way of being there for him, it’s going to be discouraging.

Ele precisa que esteja presente emocionalmente, não fisicamente. Ele precisa de espaço, compreensão e tempo para pôr a cabeça em ordem.

A bedroom romp won’t achieve anything but make him feel less like a man and more likely to be negatively affected by this attempt.

So whatever you do, don’t use your seduction methods as a weapon. You know better than that.

He’s not a 15-year old boy. He’s a grown man, with actual needs that go beyond the physical.

He’ll be back to himself soon enough, and you’ll have your chance to be there in all the ways you want. But for now, respect his needs.

If it’s space and time, so be it.

Let him have it because the sooner he gets his head together, the sooner you’ll have your hunk of a man back in your arms.

If nothing seems to work, it’s time for a more serious approach

This might appear to be a severe issue given the time he needs to get over it…but not necessarily.

You see, when a stressed man withdraws, no matter what the issue is, he’s going to wallow in misery until you deliver a shock to his system.

Alguns tipos não conseguem processar as suas emoções para salvar as suas vidas.

So if nothing is working, he’s still distant, cold, perhaps even angry, it’s time for a more severe measure.

É óbvio que isto não pode continuar para sempre, pois também tem necessidades.

If he’s not changing his pattern of questionable behavior regardless of your understanding, he needs an ultimatum.

Normalmente, não concordo com ultimatos de qualquer tipo, mas quando a situação o exige, é preciso fazer o que é preciso fazer.

Face him with it head-on. Tell him that you’ve been patient, understanding, and have given him the space he needed.

And so far, things haven’t changed at all.

Se ele quiser mantê-la ao seu lado, tem de mostrar um sinal de boa fé e dar um passo em frente.

Não se pode ser constantemente ignorado e não se importar com isso.

There comes a time when we need to face our demons whether we like it or not. If we don’t, our loved ones will suffer for it.

So either you work this thing out, or you’re done.

Chega de andar na ponta dos pés à volta dele, de andar sobre cascas de ovos e de ficar em segundo plano. Por vezes, é esta a abordagem de que os homens precisam.

Until you put him in this position and open his eyes, he won’t see how damaging his behavior is.

Por isso, faço figas para que ele ganhe juízo, se aperceba de que isto já dura há muito tempo e que as coisas têm de mudar.

If he doesn’t, at least you’ll know you did your very best.

Não podes continuar a pôr-te em segundo lugar. Até que ele veja a gravidade dos seus actos e faça alguma coisa, o seu trabalho aqui está feito.

While it’s admirable that you’re so determined to stick by his side through his passive-aggressiveness, it should nunca a todo o custo.

Ver também: Desafio de 30 dias para o amor-próprio: torne-se a melhor versão de si mesmo