Casamentos do inferno: Diferentes tipos de esposas tóxicas CLASSIFICADAS

Quando decidiram dar o nó, tudo era perfeito. Ela era a mulher dos teus sonhos e tu não conseguias acreditar que, de entre tantos homens, ela te escolheu a ti para seres o homem dela.

Todos os seus amigos tinham inveja de si por ter uma mulher (a sua futura esposa) que eles só podiam sonhar ter.

Era simpática, amável, carinhosa e a pessoa mais inspiradora do mundo. Podíamos observá-la dia e noite sem nunca nos aborrecermos.

Desde o momento em que a conheceram, os vossos pais também se apaixonaram por ela.

Sentiu-se como se estivesse prestes a acordar a cada segundo deste belo sonho ou como se estivesse em coma durante dias a imaginar que ia casar com esta mulher fantástica.

And then, after a few weeks/months/years, you go to sleep feeling uneasy about the fact that she’ll still be there once you wake up in the morning.

If you’re lucky enough, you will be able to even fall asleep knowing that your ‘used to be heavenly marriage’ has turned into a living hell.

She’s no longer that same wife you used to brag about in front of everyone.

Now, you’re anxious about anyone even asking you about her because they would remind you of the fact that you’re trying to forget every single day – a miserable life with a toxic wife!

Wait a minute… HOW and WHEN did your marriage turn into a nightmare?

Antes de dizer (escrever) mais alguma coisa, note-se que este não é um artigo sobre o facto de as mulheres serem os únicos parceiros tóxicos nos casamentos.

Men can be toxic as well, and the reason why I’m not writing about them at the moment is because it would take me a decade to finish it. Just kidding (or maybe not). Either way, you’ll never know.

Where were we? Yes. So, one day, you wake up in the morning and realize that you’re no longer in the same marriage with the same person.

Your wife has become one of those toxic people that you usually avoid (if you’re lucky enough).

Al Bundy, de Married…with children, compreende isso muito bem. Se tem uma mulher chata, o seu casamento tem provavelmente muitas coisas em comum com o casamento dele (exceto a parte do riso).

The only time you laugh is when she’s not home and you get to hang out with your friends whose wives are as toxic as yours.

Now, let’s be honest. You didn’t just wake up in the morning one day and realize that something’s not right with your marriage.

Your marriage didn’t turn into a living hell overnight… this has been happening for SOME TIME now, but you just didn’t pay attention to it.

A toxic marriage is not something that you experience all of a sudden, but it’s a process where toxic words and habits accumulate, and lack of open and honest communication becomes your lifestyle.

São precisos dois para manter um casamento (seja ele saudável ou tóxico), por isso a sua mulher tóxica não pode ser vista como uma unidade separada e a única causa do seu sofrimento.

Both partners are responsible for what happens (or doesn’t happen) in marriage.

O seu casamento transformou-se num pesadelo no momento em que deixou de lutar por ele.

Pois é. O teu casamento tornou-se um inferno no momento em que disseste isso a ti próprio: OMG I’m so sick and tired of this thing called marriage, but I can’t say this to my wife because if I do, I’ll make things even worse. Anyway, who has time to deal with marriage problems? I certainly don’t.

Let’s say that your wife feels the same way about this, so there you have it: Uma receita para um casamento tóxico.

Here’s something funny. I lived with my partner (now ex-partner) for two years and everything was perfect in the beginning of our life together.

O momento as coisas começaram a correr mal foi quando comecei a criticá-lo sobre certas coisas, como pratos por lavar, toneladas de canecas sujas deixadas por todo o lado, meias sujas debaixo da cama, etc.

Então, um dia, disse a mim próprio: What the hell, dude? I’m not your mother. I will certainly not go around all day collecting your mugs or socks. I do my chores, you do yours.

The moment I addressed all the issues in our relationship, I officially became every guy’s nightmare – a nagging creature.

It was evident that he didn’t want to change, and I couldn’t deal with it any longer, so I stopped giving a damn about it.

Decidi apenas viver a minha vida da melhor forma possível até acabarmos por seguir caminhos diferentes.

I still think about what would have happened if we had been open and honest with each other all the time, and not when things had already gone south. Hmm…

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” – David Bissonette

Here’s a potential joke I just came up with: The only positive thing about being in a toxic marriage is that you’re the only one laughing out loud at husband-wife jokes not because they’re funny, but because you know how true they actually are.

Now, we could continue talking about how your marriage is a living hell and I could tell you that I understand how you’re feeling and that everything will be okay, but I won’t waste mine and your time on it because it’s boring.

This is not a story about how to deal with toxic partners, but it’s a story that serves primarily as a comic relief to every toxic marriage out there.

With all that being said, below, you’ll find the list of toxic wives and their influence on marriage explained in a sarcastic way.

Este tipo de esposas TÓXICAS pode fazer com que qualquer homem se arrependa de se ter casado:

1. A crazy wife – the type of wife that makes you regret waking up in the morning.

Este é o tipo de mulher de que os homens falam há décadas. São o tema principal de cada segundo artigo e a razão pela qual tantos homens se tornam alcoólicos sem sono.

If there’s one thing a crazy wife is exceptionally good at, it’s making you feel like it’s your fault for everything bad that has happened to her (and that is about to happen): If you didn’t talk about your stupid friends, I wouldn’t have gone to the mall and stumbled upon Karen whom you know I have hated since high school!

Deus nos livre se a Karen pedisse para falar com o gerente (os amantes de memes compreenderão esta).

Lidar com uma mulher louca requires a special set of skills like admitting that you’re wrong even when you’re not, and having an extensive dictionary of trigger words to prevent putting her in “a crazy wife on steroids” mode within seconds.

2. A nagging wife – the type of wife that makes you regret not washing the dishes.

Uma esposa chata é o tipo de mulher que faz tudo no casamento, enquanto o marido fica sentado o dia todo e não faz nada, exceto ver futebol e beber com os amigos.

A nagging wife is capable of making you feel like you’re totally incompetent and incapable of living without her commands.

A nagging wife’s special power is making you fear for your life if you don’t do what she asked you to do.

3. A selfish wife – the type of wife that keeps you locked in the house because she demands attention 24/7.

You know you’re casado com uma mulher egoísta se tudo o que fizeres por ela não for suficiente. Ela quer tudo e quer agora, e a sua tarefa é encontrar uma forma de o fazer acontecer.

If you don’t, you’ll be the worst husband in the world and every single one of her female friends will know that about you.

Se desapontares uma mulher egoísta, ela ameaçará deixar-te.

Even though this sounds like the best thing that could happen to you, you cannot pretend that you’re finally relieved. Instead, you have to beg her to stay.

4. A disrespectful wife – the type of wife that makes you feel like you’re the main cause for your unhappy marriage.

Uma esposa desrespeitosa’s favorite hobby is humiliating you in front of others. Her special set of skills includes avoiding listening to you or talking to you.

A disrespectful wife flirts freely with others in front of you under the excuse that you’re too boring and you never court her.

Even though you have accomplished so many things in your life, she still succeeds in making you feel less worthy. She lives for contradicting you even when she knows that she’s the one who’s wrong.

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

Outro aspeto positivo de estar com uma esposa tóxica é a oportunidade de melhorar o seu pensamento crítico.

It takes skill to deal with certain toxic situations and to pretend in front of others that you’re living your best life when, in reality, you’re actually falling apart.

Here’s my hypothesis: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a toxic one, better luck next time.