Traí o meu namorado e eis o que aprendi com isso

Antes do meu vergonhoso ato de traição, nunca tinha percebido bem porque é que as pessoas traem.

Sempre acreditei na honestidade, na transparência, no respeito e no empenho, e dizia sempre aos meus melhor amigo that I would never choose to be somewhere in between all that – to be a cheater.

Acreditei do fundo do coração que nunca decidiria trair alguém que me deu desinteressadamente o seu coração para cuidar dele.

Disse-o várias vezes:

I would rather be miserable and alone for the rest of my life than cheat on someone because I’m either with that person or I’m not.

If I’m not happy, I’ll break up with them, move forward, and do whatever I want, but I won’t cheat as long as I’m in a relação séria com a minha cara-metade que confia em mim.

I guess the first time I said it, I wasn’t even aware of the real difficulty of that statement and the fact that it is easier said than done.

But, “lucky me,” now I can tell with certainty that sometimes the words that come out of our mouths simply cannot be trusted.

Traí o meu namorado, apesar de toda a minha vida ter sido contra a traição e a favor de uma vida baseada em princípios de confiança e compromisso.

But, life is unpredictable and the truth is that both men and women cheat and, in most cases, it’s not because they wanted to, but because something broke in them and they couldn’t find a way to deal with it.

Porque faltava alguma coisa e acabaram num labirinto de infidelidade.

Ver também: Como perdoar a si mesmo por ter traído e não ter contado: 20 maneiras

A minha experiência de traição

To help you understand my cheating experience in full, I’ll first give you an insight into my past relationship.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year or so and from the day we met, everything was just perfect (until it wasn’t).

He was really caring, he’d always go out of his way to make me feel special (both through text messages and in real life) and we had this química incrível como adolescentes de liceu.

Ele era genuinamente um tipo porreiro.

We’d finish each other’s sentences, laugh about stupid things, and just enjoy life as every other couple at the beginning of a relationship.

Cada segundo passado com ele era mágico e nunca imaginei traí-lo, muito menos pensei em fazê-lo.

Until one day – or better said, until something happened, but I couldn’t really understand what was truly going on. I noticed that he suddenly changed.

He was no longer the same person I’d fallen in love with because he no longer cared about making an effort to keep things interesting, about affection and other romantic things related to a healthy relationship.

As mensagens de texto tornaram-se menos frequentes ou inexistentes e, com o passar do tempo, muitos outros problemas de relacionamento surgiram literalmente do nada, e eu não fazia ideia do que fazer em relação a tudo isso.

A minha autoestima era muito baixa, sentia-me infeliz e só pensava em mim: O que devo fazer com a minha relação?

I tried to talk to my partner to understand what was going on, but every time I did, he’d just pretend that everything was okay and that I was overreacting.

Acho que ele se tornou demasiado casual na nossa relação e perdeu o sentido de perseguir e valorizar o que tínhamos.
Foi muito difícil lidar com tudo isto e comecei a afastar-me.

Ainda sentia algo por ele, mas ao mesmo tempo amaldiçoava o dia em que o conheci e também tinha esperança de que talvez algo mudasse.

I wasn’t ready to já se separaram, but I also wasn’t happy in the relationship.

Por isso, decidi fingir que estava vivo e feliz sem estar realmente vivo e feliz.

Até o conhecer.

O meu ex-colega apresentou-me a um amigo dele uma noite, quando estávamos a beber um copo, e ficámos logo atraídos.

Partilhávamos a mesma perspetiva das coisas, ele era tão gentil e carinhoso e tinha uma paixão a brilhar nos seus olhos que estava lentamente a incendiar o meu corpo e a minha mente.

Apesar de ter sido muito difícil resistir à tentação, não aconteceu nada nessa noite, mas continuámos a ver-nos.

Sempre que estávamos juntos, sentia-me cada vez mais compreendida, acarinhada e simplesmente viva de novo.

And at the same time, I was convincing myself that we were just friends and nothing more, and all this would stop soon because I couldn’t let myself lose control and do something stupid.

E depois fi-lo. Convidou-me para sua casa, preparou uma refeição deliciosa, tratou-me como uma rainha e seduziu-me como um chefe.

As minhas tentativas de resistir a tudo foram em vão, por isso rendi-me e deixei que a paixão ardente me conduzisse.

E no dia seguinte, quando me apercebi do que tinha acabado de acontecer, que tinha traído o meu namorado, o meu mundo desmoronou-se.

Sentia-me a maior cobarde do mundo porque era demasiado fraca para sair da minha relação atual, apesar de ser evidentemente infeliz.

As únicas emoções que sentia eram confusão e ódio por mim própria, pela minha relação tóxica e pelo amor em geral.

And in case you’re wondering whether I repeated my sinful act again: Nope, I didn’t. It was a one-off thing.

There wasn’t a second time or any time after that. The cheating act in itself was not that painful, but coping with it afterward is what breaks you.

So, here are some things that I’ve learned from my cheating experience.

I CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND AND HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM IT

1. “Just forgetting about it” is not on the table

I bet the first thought of every cheater out there is: How do I delete this and how do I get rid of this feeling of guilt and betrayal? (Or, at least, that’s how I felt.)

So, is it possible to simply delete your cheating moment from your history and continue living your life as if nothing happened? No, it’s not.

Even if the act of cheating wasn’t done to purposefully hurt someone, even if you weren’t aware of what you were doing and where things were heading, you still did it.

It’s done. It’s real. And every single action in our life has a reaction, aka consequence.

Mesmo que decidas destruir todas as provas, apagar o número de telefone, aplicar uma magia vudu que te faça reiniciar a consciência (como no filme Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind), you still won’t be able to forget about it because you will still have the act of cheating stored in your memory.

Now, you have all the right in the world to act as if nothing happened and wait for the moment of obliviousness to kick in, but speaking from my personal experience, I think that’s mission impossible.

De facto, quanto mais tentamos suprimir algo e lutar contra ele, mais ele luta para aparecer à superfície.

Our subconsciousness is a really powerful thing and we simply cannot trick our brain to believe something that’s not true.

And sometimes that’s a good thing because it just shows you that you’re only human after all.

Ensina-nos a lidar com as consequências dos nossos actos.

2. The guilt will impact your relationship (even if you don’t get caught)

If you’re not a serial cheater, the chances of your partner learning about your infidelity are really low.

I cheated once and didn’t get caught, and for a moment I thought that this is actually a good thing because maybe, somehow magically, I could just forget about it and continue being in a relationship as if nothing happened.

Mas o sentimento de culpa e a agitação eram muito fortes dentro de mim.

Assim, dei por mim a pedir desculpa ao meu parceiro pelas coisas mais triviais pelas quais nunca pediria desculpa antes.

Também comecei a acusá-lo constantemente de coisas aleatórias que ele fazia, independentemente da situação e de serem realmente dignas de serem mencionadas.

And then I realized that this wasn’t me but my guilty conscience.

A culpa dentro de mim forçava-me a pedir desculpa por coisas triviais porque, ao fazê-lo, estava inconscientemente a pedir desculpa pela minha infidelidade sem sequer ter consciência disso.

Locking eyes with your partner also feels really weird because every time you look them in the eye, you feel as if your soul starts to cry, as if you’ve done something so terribly wrong that killed your partner and the relationship you’re still in (even if your relationship died a long time ago).

And you can’t help but constantly analyze everything that happened in the hope that you’ll find a reason to justify your shameful act.

And while you’re constantly lost in your thoughts, you risk your partner noticing it and demanding to know what the hell is going on.

Assim, tem duas opções:

Continue pretending as if nothing happened – that you’re PMSing or having other female difficulties – or tell them what happened and hope for the best (if you still care about your partner and fixing your broken relationship).

No entanto, não se esqueça que, mesmo que seja sincero, os problemas de confiança permanecerão durante muito tempo numa relação.

Ver também: 6 comportamentos numa relação que são mais prejudiciais do que a traição

3. There’s a reason WHY you did this

Muitas pessoas pensam que a traição acontece por acaso e que a pessoa que traiu o fez de propósito para magoar o seu parceiro ou para satisfazer os seus desejos egoístas.

Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t people like this, but in the majority of cases (and in my case), cheating is an act of trying to fill the void caused by being in an unhappy relationship.

And by saying this, I’m not trying to justify my or any other cheater’s behavior.

I’m just trying to point out that the roots of cheating are much deeper than we think.

There’s a reason why you cheated on your partner and that reason is buried deep down in your heart.

In order to understand things better, you need to think about what has changed in your relationship, what’s missing, and how you feel about all that?

Sente-se só, desrespeitado, não é notado, não é apreciado, não é digno de amor?

No meu caso, senti que faltava algo na minha relação porque já não havia conversas com significado, afeto físico, surpresa um com o outro e todas essas pequenas coisas que acabam por significar muito.

And even though I tried to explain this to my partner, he wouldn’t want to listen to me, or he agreed but never really did anything about it.

E foi por essa razão que também me retirei e parei fazer um esforço na nossa relação.

That was the reason I cheated. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I wasn’t happy either.

Parecia que estava preso num pesadelo horrível e a única coisa que me acordou dele por um segundo foi o meu ato de traição.

When you realize what the real reason behind your infidelity is, you can make things right by gradually changing things in your relationship, if it’s possible.

If it’s not, then you should think about going separate ways because there’s no point in staying in a relationship that has no perspective or future, that makes you feel genuinely unhappy.

(Quem me dera que alguém me tivesse dito isto antes de eu fazer batota).

4. Vais sentir-te a pessoa mais merdosa do mundo

Even if there’s a valid reason for you cheating on your partner, you still feel like the shittiest person in the world.

Why? Because you betrayed their trust and you did something you wouldn’t want your partner or anyone else to do to you.

Even though I was really mad at the whole situation and my ignorant partner, that didn’t help me feel indifferent about my cheating moment.

Senti-me muito triste, confusa e mal comigo mesma, pensando:

How could I’ve done such a thing when my whole life I was preaching the total opposite?

Todo este tempo apoiei a verdade, o compromisso e as relações honestas, só para acabar por ser um traidor.

The worst thing about it all is that even if your partner knows about it all and forgives you, you still can’t forgive yourself.

“The toughest battle you’ll ever fight in your life is the battle within yourself.”

I’ve always been my own biggest critic and that’s one of the reasons why I can’t accept the fact that I let myself do something really stupid.

My biggest critic inside me made me feel like I’m the shittiest person in the world and I didn’t even want my partner to ever forgive me because I would never be able to forgive myself.

Este sentimento de ser um falhado torna-se parte da sua vida quotidiana.

As you’re walking down the street, you often feel like everyone is pointing fingers at you, reminding you that you’re a cheater, liar, and someone who cannot be trusted.

And it’s not that you aren’t already doing the same to yourself.

It’s not that you’re not reminding yourself of your sinful act from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you fall asleep at night.
Mas, com o tempo, torna-se mais fácil.

With time, you accept the fact that you made a mistake (if it can even be called that) and you’re terribly sorry for it, but still this doesn’t change anything.

5. It doesn’t mean that you’ll cheat again

I’m pretty sure that you’re familiar with that famous phrase: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

While there is some truth to it, it still isn’t completely valid and it demands an extensive discussion.

The fact that you cheated on someone once doesn’t mean that you’ve just earned a badge with the name “cheater” that will follow you for the rest of your life.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll cheat on your every future partner.

I can confirm this from the viewpoint of my case. I’ve cheated only once in my whole life and I doubt that I’ll ever repeat it again because:

a) Tenho muita pena dele, e

b) Aprendi lições valiosas e não tenciono voltar a fazer a mesma coisa.

And in my circle of friends, there are plenty of other people who cheated only once and swore that they’d never do the same thing again because now they understand what they ought to do if faced with the same situation.

So, if you’ve just cheated on your boyfriend or if you ever do in the future, know that this doesn’t mean that you’ll repeat it again and that you’ve become the ultimate cheater who’s going to ruin every single one of your future partners’ lives.

It may sound weird, but the only positive thing about my cheating experience is that I’m glad I realized the real weight of it and I’m one hundred percent sure that I won’t do it ever again.

If you realize the same, then you know you’re doing the best you can and you’re not a creep who doesn’t give a damn about how others feel.

6. A traição tem impacto no seu comportamento em futuros encontros e relações

A culpa é um sentimento poderoso que pode permanecer presente mesmo anos após o ato e, em alguns casos, durante toda a vida.

It all depends on how sensitive you are and how you’re coping with the consequences of your actions.

Esta consciência pesada pode afetar o seu comportamento em encontros futuros e relações.

Por exemplo, se sentir que deve ser castigada pelo que fez ao seu ex, subconscientemente escolhe homens tóxicos e manipuladores para ser magoada por eles, porque sente que o merece.

Poderá ter dificuldade em encontrar alguém que o trate bem devido ao sentimento de não ser digno do seu amor, atenção e respeito.

And that’s how you may find yourself ending up in another labyrinth of toxic men just because you aren’t able to forgive yourself for your past actions.

Also, you don’t have the strength to tell your potential partners that you were once involved in cheating because you’re afraid of scaring them away and ruining everything before it has even begun.

This dark shadow of “once a cheater” can greatly influence your future love life, but as with every other thing in life: