Me niego a seguir fingiendo que estoy bien porque me estoy desmoronando

Cada día es una lucha, una lucha constante que nunca termina. De alguna manera lo supero y luego me despierto por la mañana deprimida y destrozada porque tengo que volver a hacerlo todo de nuevo.

Cada minuto que pasa es peor. Emocionalmente, I’m a wreck and it looks like I won’t get better any time soon.

I really don’t know how much more pain I can take. Every day I think that was it, I’ve reached my breaking point, but the next day surprises me and I sink even lower.

Siento aún más dolor, algo que creía imposible de sentir.

I’ve been hurt before and I’ve made it, I’ve healed… but it was never like this before. This time it goes on and on. It doesn’t stop.

It’s like I’ve been knocked down to the ground and as I’m about to get up, something kicks me even harder and I fall again. Only, every next time, it takes so much more strength for me to try and get up again.

I’ve never been so stressed. I’ve never been this anxious. I’m afraid to leave the house.

I’m afraid to talk to people. I’m afraid to show my face in public because if I do I will only feel even more pain, the pain that refuses to go away.

I knew how to handle my problems in the past. I was hurting but I didn’t want anyone to know that. I was so good at concealing it.

I would make jokes about it, I would laugh, but that didn’t mean I was fine. My face was smiling but my eyes cried heavy tears.

The thing is, no one saw it, which was fine because I didn’t need anyone’s support. I could have handled it.

But now, it’s different. I’ve lost all my energy, I’ve lost strength and the will to keep fighting for the future. The only thing I didn’t lose is hope.

Aunque la vida me ha golpeado justo en la cara y me ha tirado al mugriento suelo de una patada, sigo creyendo que me espera un futuro mejor.

I still believe that I will overcome this even though the pain seems like it’s never-ending.

Things are not fine today but although I know they aren’t going to be fine tomorrow either, I can hope that the next morning, the room I wake up in is going to shine brighter and the curtains on my window are going to be bright green and not gray and dull. I can only hope.

La esperanza es lo que me mantiene respirando.

Sabes lo que está pasando ahora. Ahora la gente está empezando a notar que I’m not fine.

Me esfuerzo, como antes, pero esta vez tardo tanto en mejorar que mi comportamiento llama la atención.

I can’t just stop the world from turning. I have to go to work, I have to stay in touch with my friends, and I just can’t cut myself off from it.

Y cuando paso tanto tiempo al aire libre, roto esta cantidad, la gente tiene que empezar a darse cuenta, por mucho que intente ocultarlo.

Mis amigos intentan ayudarme y yo he aceptado su ayuda, pero nada ha cambiado.

They comfort me with their kind words and I feel better but after seeing them, I return home to my colorless world, all alone, and I’m not fine. I’m falling apart and no one can help me.

I can’t expect for them to be there for me every minute of the day. It would be selfish of me to expect them to jump every time I have an anxiety attack or when I feel like my world has collapsed on top of me.

I will suffocate them with my problems and it’s only a matter of time when they will get sick of hearing how I’m falling apart.

I can’t help it. I don’t have a button to push for when I decide I’m going to be fine. I wish I did. Then life wouldn’t be so fucking hard.

I’m not okay but sometimes some days are less horrible than others. Sometimes, my pillow is not soaking wet with my tears.

A veces, mi habitación se ilumina sólo un segundo.

I’m not okay because life has destroyed me. I’m not okay because everything sucks. I’m not okay because I forgot how to smile.