Every day is a struggle, a constant fight that never ends. I somehow get through it and then I wake up in the morning depressed and broken because I have to do it all over again.
It gets worse and worse with every passing minute. Emotionally, I’m a wreck and it looks like I won’t get better any time soon.
I really don’t know how much more pain I can take. Every day I think that was it, I’ve reached my breaking point, but the next day surprises me and I sink even lower.
I feel even more pain which I thought would be impossible to feel.
I’ve been hurt before and I’ve made it, I’ve healed… but it was never like this before. This time it goes on and on. It doesn’t stop.
It’s like I’ve been knocked down to the ground and as I’m about to get up, something kicks me even harder and I fall again. Only, every next time, it takes so much more strength for me to try and get up again.
I’ve never been so stressed. I’ve never been this anxious. I’m afraid to leave the house.
I’m afraid to talk to people. I’m afraid to show my face in public because if I do I will only feel even more pain, the pain that refuses to go away.
I knew how to handle my problems in the past. I was hurting but I didn’t want anyone to know that. I was so good at concealing it.
I would make jokes about it, I would laugh, but that didn’t mean I was fine. My face was smiling but my eyes cried heavy tears.
The thing is, no one saw it, which was fine because I didn’t need anyone’s support. I could have handled it.
But now, it’s different. I’ve lost all my energy, I’ve lost strength and the will to keep fighting for the future. The only thing I didn’t lose is hope.
Although life has hit me right in my face and kicked me down to the filthy floor, I still believe there is a better future waiting for me.
I still believe that I will overcome this even though the pain seems like it’s never-ending.
Things are not fine today but although I know they aren’t going to be fine tomorrow either, I can hope that the next morning, the room I wake up in is going to shine brighter and the curtains on my window are going to be bright green and not gray and dull. I can only hope.
Hope is what is keeping me breathing.
You know what is happening now. Now people are starting noticing that I’m not fine.
I try hard, like I tried before, but this time it is taking so long for me to get better, so my behavior draws attention.
I can’t just stop the world from turning. I have to go to work, I have to stay in touch with my friends, and I just can’t cut myself off from it.
And when I spend so much time out in the open, broken this amount, people have to start noticing, no matter how hard I try to hide it.
My friends are trying to help me and I have accepted their help but nothing has changed.
They comfort me with their kind words and I feel better but after seeing them, I return home to my colorless world, all alone, and I’m not fine. I’m falling apart and no one can help me.
I can’t expect for them to be there for me every minute of the day. It would be selfish of me to expect them to jump every time I have an anxiety attack or when I feel like my world has collapsed on top of me.
I will suffocate them with my problems and it’s only a matter of time when they will get sick of hearing how I’m falling apart.
I can’t help it. I don’t have a button to push for when I decide I’m going to be fine. I wish I did. Then life wouldn’t be so fucking hard.
I’m not okay but sometimes some days are less horrible than others. Sometimes, my pillow is not soaking wet with my tears.
Sometimes, my room gets brighter just for a second.
I’m not okay because life has destroyed me. I’m not okay because everything sucks. I’m not okay because I forgot how to smile.