8 señales de que te gusta agradar a la gente y cómo dejar de serlo

Are you often going out of your way to do things for other people even if it means neglecting your own needs and wishes? If yes, then you might be what’s known as a people pleaser!

Muchas personas malinterpretan el concepto de comportamiento de complacer a la gente, pensando que ser constantemente amable con la gente, tratar de ayudarles (incluso desviándose de su camino para hacerlo) y cambiar uno mismo en aras de satisfacer sus necesidades son deseables y característicos de una persona genuinamente amable.

And yes, they certainly are! But there’s a thin line between being nice or kind and being a people pleaser. To understand it better, we’ll try to define these two terms.

So, being nice or kind would mean helping others, sympathizing and having a strong desire to improve other people’s lives in all aspects but to a certain extent!

And being a people pleaser is basically the same if we exclude the last part of the sentence—‘but to a certain extent’.

Al igual que las personas agradables, los agradadores tienen un fuerte deseo de ayudar a los demás, de satisfacer sus necesidades y de hacer felices a los demás, pero su deseo de hacerlo va más allá.

They don’t do it only to a certain extent but instead they go out of their way when it comes to making other people content and happy.

They have a hard time saying no to strangers, co-workers, their friends, family and loved ones, even if it means entering a self-destructive zone and doing something against their principles or what they normally wouldn’t do.

Being a people pleaser means caring a lot about other people’s opinions to the extent of neglecting their own needs and wishes, which is in close connection with a lack of self-love, self-worth, fear of rejection and low self-esteem.

Buscar constantemente la aprobación de los demás es un mal hábito y puede convertirte en un felpudo sin personalidad.

Este deseo de ser aprobado por los demás puede ser contraproducente y hacer que te sientas alienado, solo y desconectado de tu verdadero yo.

Y lo peor de todo es que da luz verde a otras personas para que se aprovechen de ti y te utilicen como su felpudo.

El comportamiento de complacer a la gente puede afectar a tu salud mental y a tu bienestar en general, por lo que descubrirlo pronto y aprender el arte de poner límites a la hora de complacer a la gente es de suma importancia.

8 SIGNS YOU’RE A PEOPLE PLEASER

If you suspect but you’re still not sure whether you belong to the crew of people pleasers, here is a list of signs that will help you detect it in time!

1. Te sientes indigno

People pleasers generally have a low opinion of themselves and that’s why they feel unworthy of love and attention from others.

Están convencidos de que la única forma de merecer el amor y la atención de los demás es a través del concepto de dar.

Esto significa desviarse de su camino para hacer cosas por ellos, estar disponible 24 horas al día, 7 días a la semana, colmar a los demás de toneladas de afecto sin esperar nada a cambio y cosas similares.

Because they feel unworthy, they have this urge to do anything in order to win other people’s attention and seek affection and love from them.

Hacer todo eso les hace sentirse bien consigo mismos y les llena de una dosis de amor por la que tanto luchan.

2. Le cuesta decir no a los demás

Ayudar a los demás y cuidar de ellos es algo bonito.

Recuerdo que cuando alguien me pedía que le ayudara con un determinado curso durante la universidad, siempre accedía a hacerlo sin pensármelo mucho.

But when someone asked me things like helping them cheat during an exam, I would politely say, “No,” to them because by doing that, I would risk my own ass getting caught.

And that’s the difference between being kind to others and being a people pleaser.

So, you know that you’re being a people pleaser if you have difficulty saying no to others even if they come to you with requests that would damage your own reputation or well-being or impossible requests that are beyond your power.

People pleasers agree to do things that they wouldn’t normally do just because they’re afraid of disappointing them because that would mean not getting their approval.

And by doing that, other people’s needs become more important than their own.

Y, lo que es más importante, cuando la gente sabe que harían cualquier cosa por ellos, empiezan a abusar de ello y a convertirlos en sus marionetas personales que bailan a su son.

Véase también: 15 promesas que debería hacerse a sí mismo y cumplir para siempre

3. You overly apologize (even when you’re not to blame)

¿Tienes esa tendencia a disculparte constantemente por todo sin tener en cuenta si has sido tú el culpable?

If you do, then you know you’re a people pleaser. You’re ready to take the blame and accept the consequences for every mistake regardless of whether it’s something you’ve done or if it’s been done by others.

Por ejemplo, vas a Starbucks y pides cuatro tazas diferentes de café para un grupo de personas del trabajo.

Unfortunately, the employee at Starbucks accidentally writes the wrong time on one of the cups, which makes your colleague irritated and blame you for it…

En lugar de explicar que no fue culpa tuya porque hiciste el pedido correcto y culpar al empleado de Starbucks, decides asumir la culpa y disculparte un millón de veces por ser tan irresponsable e irreflexivo.

Entras en modo disculpa, sin pensártelo dos veces.

The reason why you’re doing this is because you’re afraid of disappointing them, losing their trust or making them mad and that’s why you decide to go out of your way, take the blame and do whatever it takes to make things right.

Your will to make other people content is stronger than the ability to think rationally about whether you should apologize for something in the first place (especially if you know that you’re not the one to blame for it).

4. Se siente indeciso y confuso

Given that people pleasers are mainly focused on other people’s needs, wishes, dreams and desires, they unwittingly start ignoring their own.

And that’s how they become confused about what they really want and how they really feel.

Cuanto más ignoran sus necesidades y deseos, más se desconectan de su verdadero yo.

Esto les lleva a perder su autenticidad y a convertirse en un robot carente de carácter y personalidad.

This also includes suppressing emotions, which is extremely dangerous and can cause severe damage to the person’s mental health.

So, let’s say that person A is in a relationship with person B.

When person B says something insulting or does something really terrible, person A doesn’t say a thing or takes it very lightly because they want to avoid arguing with their partner and they’re more concerned about how the other person will feel.

Al hacer eso, la persona A está reprimiendo sus emociones y descuidando su necesidad de expresarse y decir lo que realmente quiere decir.

Over time, person A starts feeling indecisive and confused because they’re no longer sure what they really want in the relationship and how they should act when something bad happens.

Este patrón tóxico puede dañar tanto su relación como a la persona A, que actúa como complaciente.

Negar el hecho de que alguien hirió sus sentimientos lo convierte en una marioneta obediente.

5. You’re overly agreeable

Agreeing with other people’s ideas and thinking is the biggest shortcut when it comes to winning their approval.

So, if you’ve noticed that you easily agree with everything and accept other people’s ideas and proposals without much thinking, then you know you’re a legit people pleaser.

Let’s say that your partner proposed going to the movies on Thursday and despite the fact that you had other plans that day, you still accept it and reschedule your activities.

Or that your co-worker presented new ideas regarding some tasks or projects at work and even though you didn’t really like them, you couldn’t help but give them positive feedback.

By doing all this, you’re willingly going out of your way to make other people happy.

You’re overly agreeable because you think you’ll hurt them if you contradict them or say what you really mean.

But the truth is otherwise; by not saying what you really mean, you’re hurting both yourself and the other person because la honestidad es la base de toda relación sana entre dos individuos.

6. You’re only focused on giving

You know that you’re a people pleaser if you’re only focused on giving instead of reciprocity—giving and receiving.

So, when someone asks you for help or when they don’t even ask you, you immediately jump to be at their service without ever expecting something in return.

You’re solely focused on giving because you’re more focused on the happiness of other people than your own.

You want them to know that you’ll always be there for them no matter what because by doing that, you feel worthy of their love and attention.

7. You can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself

As already said, there’s a thin line between being kind and being a people pleaser.

And you know that you belong to the second category if you can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself.

Dado que los complacientes sólo se centran en dar, dedican toda su vida a las personas que les rodean.

Se entregan desinteresadamente a todos, sin cuestionarse nunca nada.

And that’s why they don’t have much free time for themselves. Now, think about your daily routine.

After you’re done with your obligations and chores, do you ever do something for yourself just for the sake of doing it and enjoying it?

¿O pasas todo tu tiempo libre haciendo cosas por los demás, ocupándote de sus problemas, acudiendo a todos sus deseos y similares?

If you’re doing the latter, then you know you’re a people pleaser.

8. Teme las discusiones y los conflictos

En la mente de una persona complaciente, lo peor que le puede pasar es verse envuelta en una discusión o un conflicto.

¿Por qué? Porque argumentos y conflictos son el epitomai de la negatividad y las malas relaciones entre las personas.

And that’s why every people pleaser will always try to avoid it like the plague by taking the blame for things they didn’t do, apologizing a little bit too much and by literally doing anything that will prevent the other person from feeling anger or a whole spectrum of negative emotions.

Being a people pleaser means being sensitive to other people’s negative emotions because otherwise it means that they’ve failed at getting their approval.

But a worse thing than that is not being who you really are out of fear that you’ll disappoint others.

CÓMO DEJAR DE COMPLACER A LA GENTE

If all the above signs indicate that you’re a people pleaser, don’t freak out or at least try not to.

I know it’s easier said than done but as with everything in life, there are ways that will help you stop being a people pleaser and help you focus on your own happiness as well.

So, it’s time to stand up for yourself and learn how to stop being a people pleaser because neglecting your own needs and wishes for the sake of others is not the way to go!

1. Practica la bondad real

‘Practice real kindness’ probably sounds confusing to most of you but here’s what I really mean by it: When you’re being kind for the purpose of getting other people’s approval and getting them to like you, it’s called fake kindness because there is a motive behind it.

But when you’re being kind to others for no reason, then you know it’s real kindness.

You know you’re doing something good for the sake of doing it and helping the person and not for the sake of getting them to like you or approve of you.

Así que, antes de ayudar a los demás, pregúntate siempre por qué quieres ayudar a esa persona.

¿Es porque realmente quieres ayudarles o porque esperas algo a cambio de ellos (su afecto o su aprobación)?

2. Aprende a ponerte a ti primero

The reason why many people start neglecting their own needs for the sake of meeting the needs of other people is because they think that putting their own needs first is an act of selfishness. But it’s not.

The truth is that putting your own needs first is necessary and desirable because if you don’t learn how to take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others either. In order to love others, you need to learn to love yourself first.

Cuando llegues a la zona del amor propio, dejarás de complacer a la gente, porque comprenderás la línea que separa el amor propio del esfuerzo por complacer a los demás.

Véase también: 10 razones por las que siempre debes anteponerte a ti mismo

3. Desarrollar límites saludables

Desarrollar límites sanos es el paso más importante para superar el comportamiento de complacer a los demás.

¿Por qué? Porque todo empieza con tu propia forma de pensar y tus motivos.

Así que, antes de decidirte a ofrecer ayuda a alguien, presta atención a las siguientes cosas:

•  How you feel about it – Is the action something you really want to do or is it making you feel anxious for some reason? 

If the latter is the case, then you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable with.

•  Whether this action will force you to sacrifice your own needs – Before accepting to do something, think about your own needs first. When it comes to your own chores, obligations, needs and your free time, you don’t want to set a time limit and sacrifice your own needs to the extent of ruining the quality of your life.

•  How doing this action will make you feel – Will you feel genuinely happy about doing something for someone or will you feel miserable or resentful?

4. Espere a que alguien le pida ayuda o asistencia

There’s nothing wrong with being willing to help others but if you turn into a service that works 24/7 and helps others without even being asked for help, then you know you have a problem.

When you’re a people pleaser, it’s hard to restrain yourself from going out of your way to offer assistance even when you’re not even asked for it, so the best way to deal with this issue is to wait until someone asks for your help or assistance.

Además, ten en cuenta que a veces la gente ni siquiera pide ayuda, sino que sólo necesita que alguien le escuche.

Así que, en lugar de buscar inmediatamente soluciones para ese problema concreto, intenta escucharles sólo hasta que ellos mismos te pidan consejo o ayuda.

5. Buscar ayuda profesional

If you feel like this role of being a people pleaser is taking its toll on your life and it’s hard for you to cope with it, you can always seek help from a psychotherapist or any other therapist out there.

Le ayudarán a detectar el núcleo de su comportamiento complaciente con la gente, le darán consejos útiles y un montón de estrategias de afrontamiento que darán sus frutos en poco tiempo.

En conclusión

Being a people pleaser is not only a matter of being overly helpful and kind to others but it’s much deeper and more complex and it can influence the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones.

The sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll learn how to improve your life and take care of your own happiness as well and not only of other people’s.

“I can’t tell you the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran

Véase también: Esto es lo que significa realmente quererse a uno mismo