Pensaba que nuestra ruptura había sido mala, pero las secuelas fueron insoportables

For months, I knew I had to break up with you. We had our issues and things became much too difficult on a regular basis that loving you just didn’t feel enough anymore.

I went through an array of excuses as to why we should keep going and I held onto my profound love for you for as long as I could bear. But all this made me tired. I started feeling like life was leaking out of my body and the thing that was once as easy as breathing had become the most draining thing in my life…

I don’t know how we got there… but I knew I was done compromising my sanity.

Así que lo terminé. Con un corazón roto and tears streaming down my swollen face from spending the night crying myself to sleep, knowing what the next day would bring. Sadness, sorrow and not knowing how to go on by myself. I was unhappy with you… but being without you made my gut churn and my mind go crazy.

I thought the break-up in itself could not be anymore devastating but I was so wrong… everything that came after was like an emotional roller coaster I just couldn’t get out of. And I wanted to, so badly…

I realized that there is no such thing as an easy way out. Even though I was the one leaving you… there was still so much pain attached. The fact that I was breaking it off with you in no way signified the end of my love! No. The love is still there… I don’t see it leaving that quickly… but when you realize that love alone isn’t enough to hold a relationship together, that is when you have to make this devastating decision.

The feeling of emptiness never left my side. There was a palpable void in my life. I had to find new ways to fill those gaps I suddenly had in my day. Instead of seeing you after work and spending the night curled up together, watching movies and cuddling… I had to find something new to preoccupy me. Pensar en lo que había perdido me provocaba un sollozo incontrolable.

Me di cuenta de que lo que más echaba de menos eran todas esas cosas que parecían tan pequeñas y sin importancia en ese momento, y fácilmente se da por sentado. Lying in bed and talking about our days, feeling safe and protected. Having our morning coffee together, you reading your favorite sports sections and getting annoyed when the Knicks didn’t get it done and me scrolling through my Instagram, looking at all the cute outfits I wanted to buy.

Now I have no one to laugh at for getting overly dramatic over a basketball game that has no significance on your life whatsoever. But what I wouldn’t give to experience that one more time and laugh at your dramatic reactions, after which I would besarte ¡y bromeando decirte que lo único que te permitía ser tan apasionado era yo!

Te echo muchísimo de menos.

Empecé a enfadarme conmigo mismo por dejarte marchar. ¿He hecho lo correcto? Or did I mess up my life even more by leaving? I really wasn’t sure anymore. There were times I was so desperate to get in touch with you that I had to fight with my common sense on a daily basis. My mind was telling me I did the right thing but my heart was yearning for your closeness! It was unbearable and I felt like I was the only one to blame.

Después de unos meses insoportables en los que no podía hacer frente a la pérdida de mi cosa favorita en el mundo, empecé a decirme a mí misma todas las razones por las que había que hacerlo. Cada vez que empezaba a echarte de menos, me ordenaba pensar en al menos 3 válidas razones por las que me fui. Con el tiempo, empecé a creerme a mí misma y aprendí a sobrellevarlo un poco mejor.

Fue sin duda una de las cosas más duras que he tenido que superar y, aunque todavía estoy aprendiendo a aceptarlo plenamente, también estoy aprendiendo que a veces hay que escuchar al sentido común en lugar de seguir ciegamente al corazón.

Sure, the love was divine… but when you sense that it no longer can sustain a healthy relationship all by itself, you start realizing that maybe, tal vezhay algo mejor para ti ahí fuera.

And then, you do the unthinkable. You break it off… you endure those painfully hard few months ahead and when the feelings are finally less intense, you start seeing the possibility of a fabulous life without him. It finally seems feasible and you are never letting yourself go back to anything that made you that unhappy ever again.