¿Por qué siempre soy un apoyo y nunca una novia?
In my 28 years and a lot of dating, I have never had a serious relationship. Somehow I always ended up being something in between—not a one-night-stand, not a short fling, but definitely not a labeled girlfriend.
I believe I would be a great catch because I have always been faithful, I am a hard-working person, people say I am funny and smart, and I am relatively pretty (if that is really important), but all of my “boyfriends” replaced me with their “vanilla” girlfriends whom they labeled immediately and gave them everything I always wanted.
En realidad, me habría conformado incluso con menos de lo que les daban a sus eventuales novias, pero ni siquiera intentaron darme nada.
Being something undefined is the worst thing because you don’t have the right to object to him about anything since you are not a real girlfriend of his. When people ask you if you have anyone, you don’t know how to reply to that, and the worst part is that you always live in fear.
Es el miedo a perder a esa persona y no poder mostrar tus emociones después porque todo el mundo, incluso tus mejores amigos, te lo dirán: “Well, he was never your boyfriend, so technically he did not cheat on you; he had an absolute right to do that.”
Your friends—especially the ones who were never in that situation and who always had long-term relationships, labeled from the beginning—will never understand that this hurts sometimes even more because you are left with the eternal questioning: “If we had been together properly, things might have been different now. He might have realized how great I was, and he might have even proposed to me already.”
Another thing that always kept me seriously questioning myself was: “What did this new girl do exactly to make him commit?”
“What were her techniques? She is not that much prettier, and I have heard that she is not that much smarter or funnier than me, according to his friends who actually liked me.”
Oh, la constante comparación que me volvía loca. No paraba de pensar y darle vueltas a cada movimiento que hacía y a cada palabra que decía. También la acechaba a ella y a él, y de hecho hasta fingía que yo era ella y que él me trataría como la trataba a ella.
The day I decided it needed to stop was actually a really long time after that—a year and a half to be exact.
Me di cuenta de que probablemente lo único que hacía era ponerse a sí misma en primer lugar y no pensar demasiado en todo. Yo tenía este patrón; todavía lo tengo. Cada vez que conozco a alguien, sigo preguntándome: “When is he going to leave me for another one who is smarter and maybe even sneakier in her plans than me?”
Y casi sentí que esos hombres podrían haber olido mi miedo y, por lo tanto, haberme dejado.
I don’t care anymore if someone is going to leave and not commit to me anymore. I am done with it. I am turning myself over to my inner self. I want to become successful, and I no longer want to overthink and plan everything when it comes to men.
I am not pleasing anyone anymore, and I am not settling for breadcrumbs anymore. I would rather be alone and sleep tight because those “relationships” before always left great fear in me.
Nunca he dormido bien. Y si alguien me vuelve a decir que tengo que hacer un plan, ir un paso por delante, y que los hombres son realmente fáciles de entender, que toda mujer puede tener al hombre que quiera si planea las cosas con cuidado, pues les cierro la boca.
I don’t want to be tactical about anything. I want to be a complete person with myself, and if someone shows up along the road, I want things straight and clear and honest from the beginning.
