Many couples seek therapy, asking for tools to improve their relationships, but often, the first step is to stop engaging in subtle habits that gradually erode the bond between partners.
These behaviors may seem minor or even normal, but marriage therapists recognize them as quiet saboteurs of connection.
By addressing these destructive patterns, couples can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Let’s explore 15 things marriage therapists frequently advise couples to stop doing.
1. Stopping regular check-ins with each other
Skipping regular check-ins with your partner might seem harmless, but over time, it can create a chasm between you. Imagine setting out on a long journey without ever glancing at the map; eventually, you’ll lose your way. In a relationship, these check-ins serve as your compass, helping you navigate through everyday stress and changes.
When partners don’t regularly connect, small misunderstandings can snowball into larger issues. It’s not about scheduling formal meetings; rather, it’s about making time for meaningful conversations. Even a quick chat over coffee can uncover unspoken needs or feelings.
Consistent check-ins ensure that both partners feel heard and valued. This habit nurtures trust and strengthens the emotional bond. It’s a simple practice, but it’s vital for maintaining closeness and preventing emotional distance from creeping in.
2. Treating your partner like a mind reader
Assuming your partner knows what you need or feel without you saying it can lead to unmet expectations and resentment. Picture a game of charades where only one person knows the rules; it’s frustrating and ineffective.
In relationships, clarity is key. When you expect your partner to automatically understand your thoughts or emotions, you set both of you up for disappointment. This unspoken expectation leaves room for misinterpretation and hurt feelings.
Communicate openly about your desires and concerns. This may seem daunting, but it’s far more productive than hoping your partner will guess correctly. Sharing your mind fosters transparency and deepens your connection, transforming potential misunderstandings into opportunities for closeness and understanding.
3. Using sarcasm to avoid vulnerability
Using sarcasm as a shield against vulnerability can be a sneaky saboteur of relationships. Imagine trying to nourish a plant with sarcasm instead of water; it simply won’t thrive. Sarcasm might feel like a safe way to express feelings without being direct, but it often breeds confusion and disconnect.
When sarcasm replaces genuine communication, it becomes a barrier to intimacy. The receiving partner may feel belittled or misunderstood, leading to emotional withdrawal.
Instead, embrace honesty and openness in your dialogue. Express your feelings without the cloak of sarcasm. This transparency fosters a safe environment where both partners can share openly, leading to a deeper and more meaningful connection. Vulnerability, though challenging, is the real nourishment that relationships need to grow.
4. Only talking about logistics—not feelings
When conversations are dominated by logistics—who’s picking up the kids, what’s for dinner—emotional intimacy can fall by the wayside. Imagine living in a house where you only discuss maintenance; eventually, it feels less like a home and more like a building.
While logistics are important, they shouldn’t overshadow discussions about emotions and aspirations. Focusing solely on schedules can create a transactional relationship, devoid of personal connection and warmth.
Make space for heartfelt conversations. Ask about each other’s day, dreams, or feelings. This balance between practical and emotional discussions enriches your relationship, building a home filled with understanding and love rather than just a well-organized space.
5. Keeping score during arguments
Keeping score during arguments turns love into a competition no one wins. Picture a chess game where both players are more focused on outmaneuvering each other than enjoying the game itself. This mindset can lead to resentment and a cycle of blame.
In a healthy relationship, partners should work together to resolve conflicts, not maintain a mental tally of wrongs. This behavior drives a wedge between partners, as it shifts focus from resolution to winning.
Instead, aim to understand and empathize. Approach disagreements with the intent to find common ground. By addressing issues collaboratively, you turn arguments into opportunities for growth and connection, fostering a more cooperative and loving partnership.
6. Bringing up the past to win the present
Using past conflicts as ammunition in current disagreements is like trying to heal a wound by reopening it. The past should inform growth, not serve as a weapon. This tactic often leads to defensiveness and derails the chance for resolution.
When partners constantly revive old grievances, it can become impossible to resolve present issues. Both parties end up feeling unheard and stuck in a loop of recurring arguments.
Focus on the present. Address current issues without dredging up history. It’s more constructive to resolve today’s problems than to relive yesterday’s battles. This approach not only improves conflict resolution but also strengthens the trust and respect needed for a thriving relationship.
7. Avoiding hard conversations to “keep the peace”
Avoiding difficult conversations to maintain peace is like painting over rust; it hides the problem but doesn’t fix it. Suppressing issues only delays the inevitable confrontation and can lead to a build-up of resentment.
This avoidance creates a false sense of harmony, leaving underlying issues unaddressed. Over time, these unresolved matters can explode into larger conflicts, causing more harm than the original issue would have.
Embrace the discomfort of open dialogue. Hard conversations are crucial for resolving issues and fostering a genuine connection. They clear the air and pave the way for mutual understanding, reinforcing trust and intimacy. By facing challenges head-on, you cultivate a healthier, more resilient relationship.
8. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not can lead to disconnect and misunderstanding. It’s like putting a bandage over a deep cut; it might conceal the wound temporarily, but it doesn’t heal it. This habit can create a barrier to genuine communication.
Partners are left to interpret and guess the real issue, often leading to frustration and feelings of neglect. This phrase, though small, can erode trust and intimacy over time.
Honesty about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable, is vital. Expressing true emotions opens the door to support and empathy, allowing your partner to be part of the healing process. By replacing “I’m fine” with honesty, you nurture a stronger and more authentic connection.
9. Assuming the other person knows you still care
Assuming your partner knows you care without expressing it is like assuming a plant knows it’s loved without watering it. Over time, without nurturing, love can wither. The assumption that love is obvious may lead to feelings of neglect.
Relationships require regular expressions of affection and appreciation. This ensures both partners feel valued and cherished. Without it, the relationship risks becoming stale and unfulfilled.
Make a habit of expressing love in words and actions. Small gestures and kind words can reignite warmth and connection. Remember, love is an action, not just a feeling, and demonstrating it keeps the bond vibrant and alive.
10. Blaming each other instead of solving the issue
Blaming each other instead of working together to solve an issue is like rowing a boat in opposite directions; you get nowhere fast. This blame game fosters division rather than unity, turning potential solutions into bitter standoffs.
Relationships thrive on teamwork and mutual support. When conflict arises, focusing on solutions rather than faults fosters a collaborative environment. Blame only serves to escalate tensions and deepen divides.
Approach problems with a mindset of togetherness. By shifting the focus from blame to resolution, you reinforce the partnership and create constructive dialogue. This approach not only resolves conflicts more effectively but also strengthens the bond between partners.
11. Letting physical intimacy become routine or nonexistent—without talking about it
Letting your physical intimacy fade into routine or disappear entirely without discussion is like ignoring a wilting garden; it needs attention to flourish. Quietly accepting a dwindling intimacy can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration.
Physical intimacy is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, and it requires open dialogue. Often, changes in intimacy can signal deeper emotional issues that need addressing.
Engage in honest conversations about your needs and desires. Revitalize your connection by exploring new experiences together. This proactive approach not only rekindles physical closeness but also nurtures emotional intimacy, enhancing the overall relationship satisfaction.
12. Trying to “win” arguments instead of understanding
Approaching arguments with a desire to win rather than understand is akin to missing the forest for the trees. A temporary victory in an argument can overshadow the bigger picture of relationship harmony.
When the focus is on winning, both partners lose the opportunity for empathy and connection. This attitude can transform discussions into battlegrounds, creating emotional distance.
Shift the goal from winning to understanding. Listening actively and empathetically fosters mutual respect and deeper insight into each other’s perspectives. This approach not only resolves conflicts but also strengthens the emotional bond, turning disagreements into meaningful exchanges.
13. Interrupting instead of listening
Interrupting your partner during conversations is like turning off a radio mid-song; you miss the melody and the message. This habit can make your partner feel undervalued and unheard, leading to frustration and disconnect.
Effective communication involves active listening. When interruptions occur, the conversation loses its flow, and essential insights can be overlooked. It’s crucial to give each other the space to express thoughts fully.
Practice patience and attentiveness. Allow your partner to finish speaking before responding. This not only shows respect but also enhances your understanding of their perspective. By listening fully, you create a more supportive and connected relationship environment.
14. Using threats (even subtle ones) to get your way
Using threats, even subtle ones, to sway your partner is like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut; it’s damaging and unnecessary. This behavior erodes trust and creates an atmosphere of fear and manipulation.
Threats, whether overt or covert, undermine the foundation of mutual respect and cooperation in a relationship. They foster resentment and can lead to a defensive dynamic, where genuine dialogue becomes difficult.
Embrace open, respectful communication. Approach disagreements with the intent to understand and find common ground. By eliminating threats from your interactions, you build a stronger, more trusting partnership where both partners feel safe and valued.
15. Waiting until things explode instead of addressing what’s simmering
Waiting for issues to explode instead of addressing them while they’re simmering is like ignoring a leaking roof until it collapses. This approach only intensifies problems and can lead to irreparable damage.
Unaddressed grievances grow over time, turning minor issues into major conflicts. The emotional fallout from such explosions can be more damaging than the original problem.
Address concerns early and openly. By discussing issues as they arise, you prevent escalation and preserve the relationship’s integrity. This proactive approach fosters a more harmonious and resilient partnership, where both partners are committed to ongoing growth and understanding.