Tus señales contradictorias hacen que me cuestione a mí mismo

When we first met, you showed way more interest in me than I did for you. It doesn’t mean that I was jugando duro—Simplemente soy una de esas chicas que necesita tiempo para conocer a alguien y sentirse cómoda cerca de esa persona. Y te lo dejé muy claro—I told you how things were and that you shouldn’t expect too much from me in the beginning. Instead of walking away from me that instant, you were caring, patient and full of understanding.

But not for long. Soon, you just disappeared and when I tried to see if something was wrong, you kept telling me that everything was great but that you were just too busy. At first, I believed you but later on I saw that you were avoiding me. I assumed that you had got tired of me or that you’d found someone else and soon enough, I forgot about you.

Pero entonces, volviste a mi vida, como si nada hubiera pasado. Una vez más, eras ese chico dulce y cariñoso del principio de nuestra historia. Y me enamoré de ese chico. Y lo dejé muy claro. Y ahí fue cuando empezó todo el drama.

Fue entonces cuando empezaste a desaparecer y a volver a mi vida a tu antojo. Y la tonta de mí te llevaba de vuelta cada vez, pensando que sería diferente.

That was when you started changing. There were days when you acted like we were nothing more than friends and days when you acted like I was the woman of your dreams and the love of your life. There were also weeks when you pretended you didn’t know me, where you would ignore all of my texts and phone calls, when you would live your life as if I never existed. Then, you would come back and sweet-talk me into taking you back. And the never-ending circle would continue.  

For months, I’ve been trying to figure you out. I’ve been trying to read your mixed signals and I’ve been trying to understand what it was that you really wanted from me. ¿Querías una relación? ¿Querías sólo quiero que seamos amigos? ¿Querías una aventura sin ataduras? ¿O simplemente disfrutaste engañándome?

But then I realized that all of this wasn’t important. I assume that you yourself never knew what you wanted and that you don’t know it now either. But what is important is the way it affects me.

Your mixed signals have caused me more misery and self-doubt than you could imagine. They brought me more tears and pain than I would ever be ready to admit. The fact is that your behavior has ruined me completely, as much as I try to run away from it. But I hope that there will come a time when I’ll get enough courage to walk away from you for good, to move on with my life and to get over you completely. Because I don’t blame you for most of these things. I allowed you to treat me this way and I am the one who keeps letting you into my life, aren’t I?

But what I can’t seem to overcome is the fact that you made me question myself and everything I always was.

En primer lugar, me hiciste cuestionar mi cordura. Have you got any idea what it’s like to spend one day being sure of someone’s love for you and having all your hopes shattered the very next day? There were times when I was certain I was going crazy because I didn’t know what to think anymore. Hubo momentos en los que pensé que me estaba imaginando todo lo que pasaba entre nosotros y que sólo estaba malinterpretando tus señales. Me convencía a mí misma de que no me veías más que como una amiga y entonces aparecías diciéndome lo mucho que me querías y lo mucho que sentías haberme descuidado. Y en el momento en que te creía, volvías a las andadas y todo esto ha hecho un infierno en mi cabeza.

Pero sobre todo, you’ve made me question my worth. How come I wasn’t enough for you to actually date me? Why wasn’t I enough for you to at least give our relationship a try? Will every guy I meet in the future treat me the same? Is my body the only quality I have? What is wrong with me and why could I never keep you around me? Estas eran todas las preguntas que me rondaban por la cabeza hasta que un día me di cuenta de que en realidad Yo era lo suficientemente bueno and that you were the one who wasn’t enough. None of this was my fault because I really did give you my best and I really did try everything.

Y aunque ahora sé todo esto, es algo por lo que siempre te guardaré rencor, por hacerme pensar y sentir.