8 segni che sei una persona che si accontenta delle persone e come smettere di esserlo

Are you often going out of your way to do things for other people even if it means neglecting your own needs and wishes? If yes, then you might be what’s known as a people pleaser!

Molte persone fraintendono il concetto di comportamento di compiacimento, pensando che essere costantemente gentili con le persone, cercare di aiutarle (anche andando fuori strada per farlo) e cambiare se stessi per soddisfare i loro bisogni sia desiderabile e sia una caratteristica di una persona veramente gentile.

And yes, they certainly are! But there’s a thin line between being nice or kind and being a people pleaser. To understand it better, we’ll try to define these two terms.

So, being nice or kind would mean helping others, sympathizing and having a strong desire to improve other people’s lives in all aspects but to a certain extent!

And being a people pleaser is basically the same if we exclude the last part of the sentence—‘but to a certain extent’.

Come le persone gentili, anche quelle che piacciono hanno un forte desiderio di aiutare gli altri, di soddisfare i loro bisogni e di rendere felici gli altri, ma il loro desiderio di farlo va oltre.

They don’t do it only to a certain extent but instead they go out of their way when it comes to making other people content and happy.

They have a hard time saying no to strangers, co-workers, their friends, family and loved ones, even if it means entering a self-destructive zone and doing something against their principles or what they normally wouldn’t do.

Being a people pleaser means caring a lot about other people’s opinions to the extent of neglecting their own needs and wishes, which is in close connection with a lack of self-love, self-worth, fear of rejection and low self-esteem.

Cercare costantemente l'approvazione degli altri è una cattiva abitudine che può trasformarvi in uno zerbino senza personalità.

Questo desiderio di essere approvati dagli altri può ritorcersi contro, facendovi sentire alienati, soli e scollegati dal vostro vero io.

E, cosa peggiore, dà ad altre persone il via libera per approfittarsi di voi e usarvi come zerbino.

Il comportamento di compiacere le persone può influire sulla salute mentale e sul benessere in generale, quindi scoprirlo precocemente e imparare l'arte di porre dei limiti quando si tratta di compiacere le persone è della massima importanza!

8 SIGNS YOU’RE A PEOPLE PLEASER

If you suspect but you’re still not sure whether you belong to the crew of people pleasers, here is a list of signs that will help you detect it in time!

1. Vi sentite indegni

People pleasers generally have a low opinion of themselves and that’s why they feel unworthy of love and attention from others.

Sono convinti che l'unico modo per meritare amore e attenzione da parte degli altri sia il concetto di dare.

Questo significa fare di tutto per gli altri, essere disponibili 24 ore su 24, 7 giorni su 7, offrire agli altri tonnellate di affetto senza aspettarsi nulla in cambio e simili.

Because they feel unworthy, they have this urge to do anything in order to win other people’s attention and seek affection and love from them.

Fare tutto questo li fa sentire bene con se stessi e li riempie di una dose di amore che lottano tanto per ottenere.

2. Avete difficoltà a dire di no agli altri

Aiutare gli altri e prendersi cura di loro è una cosa bella da fare.

Ricordo che ogni volta che qualcuno mi chiedeva di aiutarlo con un certo corso durante l'università, accettavo sempre di farlo senza pensarci troppo.

But when someone asked me things like helping them cheat during an exam, I would politely say, “No,” to them because by doing that, I would risk my own ass getting caught.

And that’s the difference between being kind to others and being a people pleaser.

So, you know that you’re being a people pleaser if you have difficulty saying no to others even if they come to you with requests that would damage your own reputation or well-being or impossible requests that are beyond your power.

People pleasers agree to do things that they wouldn’t normally do just because they’re afraid of disappointing them because that would mean not getting their approval.

And by doing that, other people’s needs become more important than their own.

E, soprattutto, quando le persone sanno che farebbero qualsiasi cosa per loro, iniziano ad abusarne e a trasformarle in burattini personali che ballano al loro ritmo.

Vedi anche: 15 promesse che dovreste farvi e onorare per sempre

3. You overly apologize (even when you’re not to blame)

Avete questa tendenza a scusarvi continuamente per ogni cosa, indipendentemente dal fatto che la colpa sia vostra?

If you do, then you know you’re a people pleaser. You’re ready to take the blame and accept the consequences for every mistake regardless of whether it’s something you’ve done or if it’s been done by others.

Ad esempio, si va da Starbucks e si ordinano quattro diverse tazze di caffè per un gruppo di persone al lavoro.

Unfortunately, the employee at Starbucks accidentally writes the wrong time on one of the cups, which makes your colleague irritated and blame you for it…

Invece di spiegare che non è stata colpa vostra perché avete fatto l'ordine giusto e di incolpare il dipendente di Starbucks, decidete di prendervi la colpa e di scusarvi un milione di volte per essere stati così irresponsabili e sconsiderati.

Entrate in una modalità eccessivamente apologetica, senza nemmeno pensarci due volte.

The reason why you’re doing this is because you’re afraid of disappointing them, losing their trust or making them mad and that’s why you decide to go out of your way, take the blame and do whatever it takes to make things right.

Your will to make other people content is stronger than the ability to think rationally about whether you should apologize for something in the first place (especially if you know that you’re not the one to blame for it).

4. Vi sentite indecisi e confusi

Given that people pleasers are mainly focused on other people’s needs, wishes, dreams and desires, they unwittingly start ignoring their own.

And that’s how they become confused about what they really want and how they really feel.

Più ignorano i loro bisogni e desideri, più si scollegano dal loro vero sé.

Questo porta a perdere la propria autenticità e a trasformarsi in un robot privo di carattere e personalità.

This also includes suppressing emotions, which is extremely dangerous and can cause severe damage to the person’s mental health.

So, let’s say that person A is in a relationship with person B.

When person B says something insulting or does something really terrible, person A doesn’t say a thing or takes it very lightly because they want to avoid arguing with their partner and they’re more concerned about how the other person will feel.

Così facendo, la persona A reprime le proprie emozioni e trascura il bisogno di esprimersi e di dire ciò che intende veramente.

Over time, person A starts feeling indecisive and confused because they’re no longer sure what they really want in the relationship and how they should act when something bad happens.

Questo modello tossico può danneggiare sia la loro relazione sia la persona A, che si comporta come una persona che piace.

Negare il fatto che qualcuno abbia ferito i loro sentimenti li trasforma in un burattino obbediente.

5. You’re overly agreeable

Agreeing with other people’s ideas and thinking is the biggest shortcut when it comes to winning their approval.

So, if you’ve noticed that you easily agree with everything and accept other people’s ideas and proposals without much thinking, then you know you’re a legit people pleaser.

Let’s say that your partner proposed going to the movies on Thursday and despite the fact that you had other plans that day, you still accept it and reschedule your activities.

Or that your co-worker presented new ideas regarding some tasks or projects at work and even though you didn’t really like them, you couldn’t help but give them positive feedback.

By doing all this, you’re willingly going out of your way to make other people happy.

You’re overly agreeable because you think you’ll hurt them if you contradict them or say what you really mean.

But the truth is otherwise; by not saying what you really mean, you’re hurting both yourself and the other person because L'onestà è alla base di ogni relazione sana tra due individui.

6. You’re only focused on giving

You know that you’re a people pleaser if you’re only focused on giving instead of reciprocity—giving and receiving.

So, when someone asks you for help or when they don’t even ask you, you immediately jump to be at their service without ever expecting something in return.

You’re solely focused on giving because you’re more focused on the happiness of other people than your own.

You want them to know that you’ll always be there for them no matter what because by doing that, you feel worthy of their love and attention.

7. You can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself

As already said, there’s a thin line between being kind and being a people pleaser.

And you know that you belong to the second category if you can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself.

Poiché le persone piacevoli si concentrano solo sul dare, dedicano tutta la loro vita alle persone che le circondano.

Si donano a tutti in modo disinteressato, senza mai mettere in discussione nulla.

And that’s why they don’t have much free time for themselves. Now, think about your daily routine.

After you’re done with your obligations and chores, do you ever do something for yourself just for the sake of doing it and enjoying it?

Oppure passate tutto il vostro tempo libero a fare cose per gli altri, ad occuparvi dei loro problemi, ad assecondare ogni loro desiderio e simili?

If you’re doing the latter, then you know you’re a people pleaser.

8. Temete le discussioni e i conflitti

Nella mente di chi ama le persone, la cosa peggiore che gli possa capitare è di essere coinvolto in una discussione o in un conflitto.

Perché? Perché argomenti e conflitti sono l'epitomai della negatività e dei cattivi rapporti tra le persone.

And that’s why every people pleaser will always try to avoid it like the plague by taking the blame for things they didn’t do, apologizing a little bit too much and by literally doing anything that will prevent the other person from feeling anger or a whole spectrum of negative emotions.

Being a people pleaser means being sensitive to other people’s negative emotions because otherwise it means that they’ve failed at getting their approval.

But a worse thing than that is not being who you really are out of fear that you’ll disappoint others.

COME SMETTERE DI ESSERE UN COMPIACENTE

If all the above signs indicate that you’re a people pleaser, don’t freak out or at least try not to.

I know it’s easier said than done but as with everything in life, there are ways that will help you stop being a people pleaser and help you focus on your own happiness as well.

So, it’s time to stand up for yourself and learn how to stop being a people pleaser because neglecting your own needs and wishes for the sake of others is not the way to go!

1. Praticare la vera gentilezza

‘Practice real kindness’ probably sounds confusing to most of you but here’s what I really mean by it: When you’re being kind for the purpose of getting other people’s approval and getting them to like you, it’s called fake kindness because there is a motive behind it.

But when you’re being kind to others for no reason, then you know it’s real kindness.

You know you’re doing something good for the sake of doing it and helping the person and not for the sake of getting them to like you or approve of you.

Quindi, prima di aiutare gli altri, chiedetevi sempre perché volete aiutare quella persona.

Lo fate perché volete veramente aiutarli o perché vi aspettate qualcosa in cambio da loro (il loro affetto o la loro approvazione)?

2. Imparare a mettere se stessi al primo posto

The reason why many people start neglecting their own needs for the sake of meeting the needs of other people is because they think that putting their own needs first is an act of selfishness. But it’s not.

The truth is that putting your own needs first is necessary and desirable because if you don’t learn how to take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others either. In order to love others, you need to learn to love yourself first.

Quando raggiungerete la zona dell'amore per voi stessi, smetterete di essere dei compiacenti, perché capirete qual è il confine tra l'amore per se stessi e il darsi da fare per compiacere gli altri.

Vedi anche: 10 motivi per cui dovreste sempre mettere voi stessi al primo posto

3. Sviluppare confini sani

Sviluppare confini sani è il passo più importante per superare il comportamento di piacere alle persone.

Perché? Perché tutto parte dal proprio pensiero e dalle proprie motivazioni.

Quindi, prima di decidere di offrire aiuto a qualcuno, prestate attenzione ai seguenti aspetti:

•  How you feel about it – Is the action something you really want to do or is it making you feel anxious for some reason? 

If the latter is the case, then you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable with.

•  Whether this action will force you to sacrifice your own needs – Before accepting to do something, think about your own needs first. When it comes to your own chores, obligations, needs and your free time, you don’t want to set a time limit and sacrifice your own needs to the extent of ruining the quality of your life.

•  How doing this action will make you feel – Will you feel genuinely happy about doing something for someone or will you feel miserable or resentful?

4. Aspettare che qualcuno chieda il vostro aiuto o la vostra assistenza

There’s nothing wrong with being willing to help others but if you turn into a service that works 24/7 and helps others without even being asked for help, then you know you have a problem.

When you’re a people pleaser, it’s hard to restrain yourself from going out of your way to offer assistance even when you’re not even asked for it, so the best way to deal with this issue is to wait until someone asks for your help or assistance.

Inoltre, tenete presente che a volte le persone non chiedono nemmeno aiuto, ma hanno solo bisogno di qualcuno che le ascolti.

Quindi, invece di cercare immediatamente soluzioni per quel particolare problema, provate ad ascoltarli solo finché non saranno loro stessi a chiedervi consiglio o aiuto.

5. Cercare un aiuto professionale

If you feel like this role of being a people pleaser is taking its toll on your life and it’s hard for you to cope with it, you can always seek help from a psychotherapist or any other therapist out there.

Vi aiuteranno a individuare il fulcro del vostro comportamento di compiacenza verso le persone, vi daranno consigli utili e molte strategie di coping che daranno i loro frutti in poco tempo.

In conclusione

Being a people pleaser is not only a matter of being overly helpful and kind to others but it’s much deeper and more complex and it can influence the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones.

The sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll learn how to improve your life and take care of your own happiness as well and not only of other people’s.

“I can’t tell you the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran

Vedi anche: Ecco cosa significa amare davvero se stessi