Not every argument starts with an obvious blow-up. Some fights are carefully orchestrated—designed to confuse, exhaust, or guilt-trip you. Manipulative partners don’t always yell or throw insults; sometimes, they provoke arguments in ways that seem subtle or even innocent.
It might be a passivo-aggressivo comment that gets under your skin, a sudden shift in mood that forces you to “fix” the problem, or an accusation that puts you on the defensive. Before you know it, you’re apologizing for something you didn’t even do.
These fights aren’t about resolving issues—they’re about control. Here are 28 sneaky tactics manipulative partners use to start fights—and how to spot them before they pull you in.
1. Il trattamento silenzioso
The silent treatment is a classic manipulative tactic often employed to start a fight. By refusing to engage in conversation, the manipulator creates an uncomfortable silence that forces their partner to question their actions. This tactic is passive-aggressive, signaling disapproval without direct confrontation. It often leaves the victim feeling anxious and desperate to resolve the issue, even if they are unaware of the cause.
This method is particularly insidious because it shifts the emotional burden onto the victim. They may feel compelled to apologize or make amends for an issue they are unaware of, simply to restore communication. The manipulator, meanwhile, maintains control by dictating when and how dialogue resumes.
In many cases, the silent treatment is used to avoid addressing real issues. Instead of resolving conflicts productively, the manipulator uses silence to punish and control. Recognizing this tactic is crucial for setting boundaries. Open communication should be encouraged, and silence should not be used as a weapon. If faced with the silent treatment, addressing the behavior directly and seeking a more constructive dialogue can help break the cycle.
2. Illuminazione a gas
Gaslighting stands out as one of the most damaging manipulative tactics, designed to make the victim question their own reality. Through persistent denial, misdirection, and contradiction, the manipulative partner seeks to distort the victim’s perception of truth. This tactic starts fights by confusing the victim, making them second-guess their memories and feelings.
The essence of gaslighting lies in its subtlety. By gradually undermining the victim’s confidence in their perception, the manipulator creates a dependency. The victim may feel that they need the manipulator to clarify what is real, thus giving the latter control over the relationship narrative. This tactic is both emotionally and psychologically draining, as it erodes self-trust.
To combat gaslighting, it’s crucial to trust one’s instincts and seek outside perspectives. Documenting incidents and relying on factual evidence can help ground the victim’s reality. Awareness and education about gaslighting are key, and support from friends or professionals can provide the necessary validation and encouragement to confront this manipulation.
3. Bringing Up Old Issues
Rehashing past grievances is a tactic often used to reignite old arguments, steering focus away from current issues. Manipulative partners bring up old issues to divert attention, and it’s usually done during a disagreement to gain an upper hand. This tactic is not about resolving past problems but about using them as ammunition in the present.
By dragging past issues into current discussions, the manipulator creates confusion and defensiveness. The conversation becomes clouded with unresolved emotions, making it difficult to address the current issue at hand. This tactic often leaves the victim feeling overwhelmed and guilty for past mistakes, real or imagined.
Addressing this tactic involves setting clear boundaries about past issues. Agreeing to discuss past grievances separately, outside of a current argument, can help keep discussions focused and constructive. Establishing rules for fair fighting, where both partners agree not to bring up unrelated past issues, can help maintain a healthier dialogue. The focus should always be on resolving current conflicts rather than opening old wounds.
4. Playing the Victim
When manipulators play the victim, they shift the blame onto their partner, making them feel guilty or responsible for the manipulator’s unhappiness. This tactic begins fights by redirecting attention from the manipulator’s actions to their perceived suffering. It’s a strategy that exploits empathy, compelling the partner to focus on alleviating the manipulator’s distress.
Playing the victim allows manipulators to avoid accountability. By portraying themselves as the wronged party, they derail the conversation, steering it towards their grievances. This tactic often leaves the partner feeling trapped in a cycle of guilt and responsibility, perpetually trying to fix an undefined problem.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let them monopolize the conversation. Instead, steer discussions back to the original topic. Encouraging accountability and not accepting misplaced blame are crucial steps in breaking this manipulative cycle. Consistency in these efforts can gradually diminish the manipulator’s power to control the narrative.
5. Creating Confusion
Confusion is a powerful tool in a manipulator’s arsenal, used to create chaos and start fights by overwhelming their partner with conflicting information or demands. By keeping their partner off balance, the manipulator maintains control and prevents any meaningful resolution. This tactic often involves shifting stories, changing details, or introducing unrelated topics into a discussion.
The goal is to cause the partner to question their understanding, making it difficult to address the original issue. This tactic can lead to frustration and exhaustion, as the partner tries to untangle the web of confusion spun around them. Over time, they may become less inclined to confront the manipulator, fearing the inevitable chaos.
To combat this tactic, it’s essential to focus on clarity and concise communication. Insisting on discussing one issue at a time and seeking clarification when needed can help ground the conversation. Documenting discussions or involving a neutral third party can also aid in maintaining a clear perspective. Recognizing and challenging the manipulator’s attempts to create confusion is key to preventing unnecessary arguments.
6. Deflecting Responsibility
Deflecting responsibility is a common tactic used to start fights by avoiding accountability for one’s actions. Manipulators adeptly shift the blame onto their partner, making them question their own role in the issue. This tactic is particularly effective because it diverts the focus away from the manipulator’s behavior, placing the partner on the defensive.
By deflecting responsibility, the manipulator avoids addressing their own shortcomings. This tactic can lead to frustration and resentment, as the partner is left feeling misunderstood and unjustly accused. The cycle often continues, with the manipulator consistently avoiding accountability and shifting blame.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to maintain focus on the original issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept misplaced blame. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to deflect responsibility, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic. Encouraging personal accountability and mutual understanding is crucial in breaking free from this manipulative cycle.
7. Using Sarcasm
Sarcasm is a subtle yet powerful tactic used by manipulative partners to start fights and undermine their partner’s confidence. By using sarcastic remarks, the manipulator introduces doubt and insecurity, often masking criticism as humor. This approach allows them to express disdain without openly admitting to it, leaving their partner questioning the sincerity of their words.
This tactic can be particularly damaging, as it erodes trust and communication over time. The partner on the receiving end may feel belittled and uncertain, leading to increased tension and conflict. Sarcasm creates a hostile environment where genuine dialogue becomes difficult, as every comment is laced with hidden meaning.
To address sarcasm, it’s important to communicate openly about its impact. Discuss the feelings and confusion it creates, and encourage honest, straightforward communication. Setting clear boundaries regarding acceptable language and tone can help prevent further use of sarcasm. Building a foundation of trust and respect is essential to overcoming this tactic, fostering an environment where both partners feel valued and understood.
8. Exaggerating Problems
Exaggerating problems is a tactic used by manipulative partners to start fights and create unnecessary drama. By blowing issues out of proportion, they provoke emotional responses and shift focus away from real concerns. This approach allows them to control the narrative, steering the conversation towards their exaggerated grievances rather than addressing the core issue.
This tactic can lead to feelings of frustration and powerlessness for the partner, as they struggle to navigate the heightened emotions and distorted reality. Over time, the constant exaggeration can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to maintain perspective and focus on the facts. Encourage calm and rational discussions, and avoid getting swept up in the manipulator’s drama. Setting clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and communication can help prevent further exaggeration. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to distort reality, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
9. Ostruzionismo
Ostruzionismo is a tactic used by manipulative partners to start fights by refusing to engage in conversation or acknowledge the issue at hand. This approach creates a barrier to communication, leaving the partner feeling frustrated and helpless. By shutting down dialogue, the manipulator maintains control and avoids taking responsibility for their actions.
This tactic often leads to feelings of isolation and confusion, as the partner struggles to understand why their attempts to communicate are being ignored. Over time, the constant stonewalling can erode trust and intimacy, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to encourage open and honest communication. Discuss the impact of stonewalling on the relationship, and set clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to shut down dialogue, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic. Encouraging mutual understanding and respect is essential to overcoming this tactic and building a stronger foundation for the relationship.
10. Playing Dumb
Playing dumb is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by feigning ignorance or misunderstanding. By pretending not to understand the issue or the partner’s concerns, the manipulator creates frustration and confusion. This approach allows them to avoid accountability and shift focus away from the real problem.
This tactic can lead to feelings of helplessness and exasperation for the partner, as they struggle to communicate effectively. Over time, the constant feigned ignorance can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to maintain clarity and focus on the facts. Encourage open and honest communication, and avoid getting swept up in the manipulator’s confusion. Setting clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and communication can help prevent further feigned ignorance. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to play dumb, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
11. Creating Guilt Trips
Creating guilt trips is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by making the partner feel guilty for their actions or decisions. By playing on their partner’s emotions, the manipulator gains control of the narrative and shifts focus away from their behavior.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling trapped and overwhelmed, as they struggle to navigate the emotional turmoil created by the guilt trip. Over time, the constant guilt can erode self-esteem and trust, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept misplaced blame. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to create guilt trips, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
12. Blaming External Factors
Blaming external factors is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by deflecting responsibility away from the manipulator. By pointing to outside influences or circumstances, they avoid accountability for their actions and shift focus away from their behavior.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling powerless and frustrated, as they struggle to address the real issue. Over time, the constant deflection can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to resolve genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to maintain perspective and focus on the facts. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing the impact of the manipulator’s behavior on the relationship. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept misplaced blame. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to blame external factors, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
13. Projecting Insecurities
Projecting insecurities is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by shifting focus away from the manipulator’s own feelings of inadequacy. By projecting their insecurities onto their partner, they create an environment of doubt and confusion.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling misunderstood and defensive, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s accusations. Over time, the constant projection can erode trust and self-esteem, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept misplaced blame. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to project insecurities, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
14. Triangolazione
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by involving a third party in the relationship. By bringing in an outside person, the manipulator creates tension and jealousy, shifting focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling excluded and insecure, as they struggle to navigate the dynamics created by the third party. Over time, the constant triangulation can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to resolve genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to maintain focus on the relationship and encourage open dialogue between partners. Set clear boundaries and refuse to allow third parties to influence the relationship. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to triangulate, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
15. Using Ultimatums
Ultimatums are a manipulative tactic used to start fights by forcing the partner into a corner and demanding a specific action or decision. By presenting a ‘do this or else’ scenario, the manipulator gains control and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling trapped and pressured, as they struggle to navigate the limited choices presented by the ultimatum. Over time, the constant ultimatums can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to resolve genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept ultimatums as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to use ultimatums, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
16. Invalidating Feelings
Invalidating feelings is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by dismissing the partner’s emotions as irrelevant or exaggerated. By trivializing their partner’s feelings, the manipulator gains control over the emotional narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling misunderstood and alienated, as they struggle to express their emotions effectively. Over time, the constant invalidation can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept emotional invalidation as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to invalidate feelings, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
17. Withholding Affection
Trattenere l'affetto is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by denying the partner emotional or physical closeness. By withdrawing affection, the manipulator gains control over the relationship dynamic and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling rejected and insecure, as they struggle to understand why the affection has been withheld. Over time, the constant withdrawal can erode trust and intimacy, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept withholding affection as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to withdraw affection, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
18. Nitpicking
Nitpicking is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by focusing on trivial details or minor flaws. By obsessing over small issues, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling overwhelmed and defensive, as they struggle to address the constant criticism. Over time, the constant nitpicking can erode self-esteem and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept nitpicking as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to nitpick, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
19. Feigning Ignorance
Feigning ignorance is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by pretending not to understand the issue or the partner’s concerns. By acting clueless, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling exasperated and misunderstood, as they struggle to communicate effectively. Over time, the constant feigned ignorance can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept feigned ignorance as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to feign ignorance, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
20. Overgeneralizing
Overgeneralizing is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by making sweeping statements or assumptions. By exaggerating the scope of the issue, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue. This approach often leaves the partner feeling misunderstood and defensive, as they struggle to address the exaggerated claims.
Over time, the constant overgeneralization can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively. To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence.
Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept overgeneralization as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to overgeneralize, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
21. Playing the Martyr
Playing the martyr is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by appearing self-sacrificing or long-suffering. By portraying themselves as the victim of the partner’s actions, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling guilty and defensive, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s grievances. Over time, the constant martyrdom can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept martyrdom as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to play the martyr, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
22. Blaming Mood Swings
Blaming mood swings is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by attributing problematic behavior to emotional fluctuations. By using their mood as an excuse, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling confused and frustrated, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s behavior. Over time, the constant mood swings can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept mood swings as a valid explanation for problematic behavior. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to blame mood swings, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
23. Using Passive Aggression
Passive aggression is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by expressing hostility through indirect actions or remarks. By avoiding direct confrontation, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling frustrated and confused, as they struggle to understand the manipulator’s true intentions. Over time, the constant passive aggression can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept passive aggression as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to use passive aggression, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
24. Shifting Blame
Shifting blame is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by deflecting responsibility onto the partner. By pointing fingers, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling misunderstood and defensive, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s accusations. Over time, the constant blame-shifting can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept blame-shifting as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to shift blame, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
25. Making Jokes at Partner’s Expense
Making jokes at a partner’s expense is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by belittling or embarrassing the partner in front of others. By using humor as a weapon, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling humiliated and defensive, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s behavior. Over time, the constant joking can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept jokes at a partner’s expense as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to make jokes at their partner’s expense, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
26. Bringing Up Sensitive Topics
Bringing up sensitive topics is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by introducing emotionally charged issues during a disagreement. By touching on sensitive subjects, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling vulnerable and defensive, as they struggle to address the emotional impact of the sensitive topic. Over time, the constant introduction of sensitive topics can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to allow sensitive topics to derail the conversation. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to bring up sensitive topics, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
27. Creating False Comparisons
Creating false comparisons is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by comparing the partner unfavorably to others. By making these comparisons, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling inadequate and defensive, as they struggle to address the manipulator’s accusations. Over time, the constant comparisons can erode self-esteem and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept false comparisons as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to create false comparisons, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.
28. Feigning Helplessness
Feigning helplessness is a manipulative tactic used to start fights by pretending to be incapable of managing certain tasks or responsibilities. By acting helpless, the manipulator gains control over the narrative and shifts focus away from the real issue.
This approach often leaves the partner feeling exasperated and overwhelmed, as they struggle to manage the added burden. Over time, the constant feigned helplessness can erode trust and communication, making it difficult to address genuine concerns effectively.
To counter this tactic, it’s important to recognize the manipulator’s patterns and maintain focus on the actual issue. Encourage open dialogue and accountability by discussing facts and evidence. Set clear boundaries and refuse to accept feigned helplessness as a valid form of communication. By consistently challenging the manipulator’s attempts to feign helplessness, it’s possible to foster a healthier and more honest communication dynamic.