Spend enough time in a courtroom where love goes to die, and you start noticing patterns. Having a divorce attorney as a best friend has taught me some surprising truths about love and breakups. I’ve seen marriages unravel from the tiniest missteps and the slowest burns.
The truth? Most of the time, it’s not one big betrayal. It’s a thousand little cuts.
So here it is—not legal advice, but lived experience from the front lines of “irreconcilable differences.” If you’re married, engaged, or just curious about what not to do, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about the habits that quietly wreck even the best of unions.
1. Treating Marriage Like a One-Time Vow Instead of a Daily Choice
Ever notice how easy it is to treat marriage like that gym membership you bought in January? You show up, make promises, then sort of expect the magic to just keep working. But love doesn’t self-renew.
Every day, you get to pick your partner all over again. There are mornings when you’ll need to remind yourself why you said yes—especially when they’re snoring like a freight train. If you skip the daily check-ins, things pile up fast.
Marriage requires regular updates, like your phone’s software. Forgetting maintenance is the fastest way to watch connection fade. A little effort every day keeps things from turning glitchy.
2. Thinking Love Alone Is Enough
Remember how people say, “All you need is love?” Sweet song lyric, but in real life, it’s a setup for disappointment. Love is the glue, sure—but glue needs something solid to hold together.
You’ll still need to figure out who picks up the kids, who calls the plumber, and how you’re splitting those never-ending bills. Teamwork, clear communication, and shared responsibility make love work, not just the butterflies.
The happiest couples I see aren’t just in love—they’re partners in crime, surviving the chaos together. Don’t put love on a pedestal and expect it to carry the whole load. It’s not magic. It’s work.
3. Skipping the Hard Conversations
It’s tempting to sweep the big stuff under the rug—money, physical intimacy, boundaries, in-laws. Who wants to ruin date night with awkward talks? But silence is never neutral.
I see couples who tiptoe around the tough topics until resentment blows up. You have to talk about the things that scare you or make you uncomfortable. Otherwise, it festers.
If conversations feel impossible, that’s a sign you need them even more. The bravest thing you can do is say what you need, even if your voice shakes. Honesty is uncomfortable but it’s the only foundation that lasts.
4. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind
I can’t count how many times I’ve watched people silently fume because their spouse didn’t magically sense what they wanted. If your partner could read minds, life would be a rom-com. Spoiler: They can’t.
Acting hurt or annoyed because they missed your secret signals is emotional quicksand. You’re setting them up for failure, and yourself for disappointment. Clarity is kinder than expecting ESP.
Say what you need out loud, even if it feels obvious to you. No one wins when expectations are invisible. If you want flowers, or space, or a hug—just ask. It’s not less romantic. It’s real.
5. Prioritizing Kids Over Each Other
Kids are adorable chaos machines, and they’ll eat every ounce of your attention if you let them. But here’s the plot twist: If your marriage wilts, so does the whole family ecosystem.
I’ve seen parents pour everything into the kids until their own relationship is running on fumes. The family doesn’t get stronger—it frays. Your partnership is the foundation everything else rests on.
Making time for each other isn’t selfish; it’s survival. Even a ten-minute chat after bedtime can work wonders. Love your kids like crazy, but don’t let them crowd out your own connection.
6. Not Fighting Fair
Fights happen—welcome to real life. But how you argue is the difference between working through it and causing new wounds. Low blows, old mistakes, and yelling are like emotional grenades.
Quando couples drag up ancient history or attack each other’s character, I see bitterness take root. It’s never about just the dirty dishes, is it? It’s about feeling heard and respected, even when you disagree.
Try fighting with the goal of solving—not winning. The healthiest couples know how to stop, apologize, and reset. Fair doesn’t mean perfect; it just means you keep your heart in the game.
7. Keeping Score
Scorekeeping is for board games, not relationships. If you’re mentally tracking who did the dishes or planned the last date night, resentment’s already knocking on your door.
I see couples who treat marriage like a contest—if one wins, the other loses. Spoiler: You both lose. No one feels valued when everything’s a transaction.
Celebrate the small stuff without keeping receipts. Acts of love don’t always balance out perfectly, and that’s okay. You’re not coworkers dividing tasks; you’re two people building a life together, not a scoreboard.
8. Letting Resentment Fester
Unspoken grudges are like bad leftovers—ignored long enough, they turn something sweet into a science experiment. I’ve seen happy couples grow cold because they never clear the air.
Little hurts pile up, and before you know it, you’re dodging each other in your own home. Resentment doesn’t dissolve with time; it grows legs and starts unpacking.
Talk about the things that bug you before they start to rot the good stuff. A hard conversation now saves a mountain of grief later. Your peace of mind is worth the discomfort.
9. Taking Each Other for Granted
Routine can turn even the best romance into autopilot. I watch couples glide through their days together, forgetting to say thanks or even look each other in the eye.
Familiarity can grow into apathy if you’re not careful. A simple compliment, a thank you, or a goodnight kiss still matters—maybe even more now than in the early days.
People want to feel seen and appreciated, even decades in. Don’t let comfort turn into neglect. Make kindness a habit, not a holiday. You’ll miss it most when it’s gone.
10. Relying on the Other for Your Whole Happiness
It’s romantic to think your partner is your everything. But when one person becomes your whole world, that’s a heavy load to carry. I’ve seen marriages buckle under the weight of sky-high expectations.
Happiness is an inside job. Bringing your own joy to the table makes you a better partner, not a burden. They can be your favorite person—not your entire oxygen supply.
Lean on each other, but also stand on your own feet. Relationships are healthiest when both people show up whole, not half-empty and hoping to be filled.
11. Avoiding Therapy Until It’s Too Late
Therapy isn’t just for the brink of disaster. I meet so many couples who wait until they’re barely speaking before asking for help. By then, the damage takes much longer to mend.
Think of therapy as a tune-up rather than an ambulance. Sometimes you need a neutral referee, not just another argument in the kitchen. The bravest couples ask for help early.
The real secret? Most marriages can be saved—if you don’t wait until you’re drowning. Getting help isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom. You don’t have to fix everything alone.
12. Ignoring Intimacy
Intimacy isn’t just physical, but let’s be honest—it’s a big part of feeling close. I see couples who quietly drift apart, blaming busy schedules or exhaustion, until touch feels awkward.
Constant rejection or lack of interest chips away at the bond. It’s not about keeping score; it’s about staying connected, even when life feels overwhelming. Little gestures—holding hands, a kiss on the forehead—matter, too.
Don’t let intimacy fade into the background noise. Make time for each other, even if it’s just a wink across the room. Connection starts with the small things.
13. Badmouthing Each Other to Friends or Family
Venting about your spouse to friends or family feels harmless—until it isn’t. I’ve seen couples work through issues, but their loved ones never forget the dirt you dished out during the rough patch.
Those offhand comments can color the way people see your relationship for years. Your marriage might heal, but the outside world holds grudges longer than you do. What you share in anger can’t be unsaid.
If you need to talk, choose someone discreet or seek therapy. Loyalty means protecting each other’s reputation, even when you’re mad. Your secrets deserve safe-keeping.
14. Not Setting Boundaries with Extended Family
When your in-laws run the show, marriage turns into survival mode. I’ve watched couples unravel because they never drew the line with family. Suddenly, every holiday, decision, and argument has a peanut gallery.
Boundaries aren’t about blocking love—they’re about protecting your own space. If you never speak up, resentment grows and privacy shrinks. A little distance can do wonders.
Healthy marriages need space to breathe. Saying “no” isn’t rude; it’s necessary. Your relationship is the main event—don’t let anyone else steal the spotlight.
15. Treating Divorce Like a Threat, Not a Reality
Throwing out the D-word every time you’re upset is like constantly threatening to quit your job—it kills safety. I’ve watched couples erode trust with empty threats until “divorce” loses all meaning.
The threat becomes a weapon, not a conversation. It’s like crying wolf—eventually, the other person tunes out or panics. Either way, the foundation weakens.
Talk about problems, not ultimatums. If you’re thinking about leaving, have the real conversation, not a theatrical one. Trust can’t grow where fear lives.
16. Comparing Your Marriage to Others
Social media is a highlight reel, not real life. I see couples spiral because they’re measuring themselves against filtered, cropped perfection. Comparison sneaks in quietly and poisons contentment.
No marriage is as shiny as it looks online. Behind the hashtags are laundry piles, arguments, and inside jokes no one else sees. Focusing on someone else’s script only makes you miss the beauty in your own.
Celebrate what you have—even on the messy days. Your love story is worth more than likes. Real connection beats a perfect photo, every time.
17. Letting Stress Dictate Tone
Stress is sneaky—it sneaks out of your mouth before you even realize who it’s aimed at. I watch couples let work drama, bills, and outside annoyances set the mood for their whole evening.
The real damage comes from letting frustration spill over where it doesn’t belong. Your partner isn’t the enemy, even on bad days. When stress runs the show, kindness gets shoved aside.
Take a breath before unloading. A gentle tone, even after the worst day, can keep home safe. Your relationship deserves a soft place to land, not a daily battleground.
18. Waiting Too Long to Reconnect
Marriages rarely explode—they drift. One day you wake up and realize you’re coexisting, not connecting. I see people who put off the hard work of reconnecting until the distance is almost irreversible.
Closeness isn’t automatic. It takes little moments—shared meals, inside jokes, random hugs—to keep love alive. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Don’t let the gap grow wide. Make time for each other before you feel like strangers. A small spark is easier to reignite than a cold fire.