Sono single perché un uomo tossico è stato sufficiente per tutta la mia vita

People keep coming at me with these questions that are so none of their business. They keep giving themselves the right to invade my privacy and disregard how uncomfortable I feel when they ask me how come I’m not married yet.

The biggest cliche of all is their intro—when they tell me how smart and beautiful and successful I am, and how now is the perfect time to put the crown on my life and get married.

A causa della persona che sono, faccio fatica a dicendo alla gente di farsi gli affari propri. Mi è difficile spiegare perché sono ancora single o perché non ho alcun interesse ad accogliere alcun uomo nella mia vita privata.

Mostly, I have no idea what to say or how to respond, so I smile and shrug my shoulders. It doesn’t make them shut up, but by the time they ask another question, I’m already 7 feet deep in depression and anxiety.

See, I am not single because of toxic men out there. I’m single because of the toxic man I had in my life.

I’ve lied to myself so many times and so well that even I trusted myself. I trusted my own lies—that’s how good I am in running away from my problems.

I told myself I’m too busy to have anybody now in my life. I prioritized my career over finding love in life for a while.

I said to myself how I’m going to postpone any kind of relationship because I’d rather now focus on making my life good. Somebody new would just occupy my mind, and I’d be unable to make my dreams come true.

I told others I’m really searching and that I have a few guys in my plan, but there is nothing serious going on and if there are any changes, I’ll let them know.

Non c'è motivo che mi facciano la stessa domanda ogni volta che mi vedono.

As soon as I find myself hubby material, they’ll be the first one to know. Little did they know that dating for me was sooo off the table.

As I was growing up, after a few relationships, I had to ask myself what the hell was wrong with me and why can’t I keep somebody in my life.

I know I function on my own perfectly and that I’m perfectly happy alone, so why can’t I be with somebody else and share my happiness with them? It got me thinking…

I have always had more male friends than female, since forever. They were really that—, I never saw them as anything more than friends and I was super comfortable having them around me.

If I ever saw any one of them falling for me or sending me signals, I’d pretend I didn’t see it. I’d close my eyes on it and continue like nothing ever happened.

It’s not like I’ve given up on love right away. It’s not like I haven’t tried finding ma’ man, but something was just off.

I didn’t run away instantly when I met somebody new.

It wasn’t like that. I am able to be attracted to men and I do want a man in my life. Here and there, somebody shows up in my life, somebody that I could picture my life with.

And then I start daydreaming and imagining what our life together would be and what kind of a man he is and how he’d treat me right and I make him perfect in my mind.

Da lontano tutti sembrano perfetti.

Once we try something, the moment we get close I start noticing even the smallest flaws of that person and it’s instantly done—which is good, to be honest, because it was much worse before.

I used to engage myself in a relationship even though I knew it’s not going to happen. I engaged even though I knew it ended before it even began.

I’d give him a chance, we’d be ok for a few months and then I just waited for a mistake or an excuse why we can’t be together anymore.

I was one of those girls who’d regret giving somebody a chance the minute they did it. But I was too stubborn to give up when I realized it.

Mi sono lasciata illudere che questa volta le cose andranno bene.

Things were never gonna work out because I am broken. And I can’t dance the tango with somebody until I fix myself and learn how to dance with somebody else.

The minute I gave somebody a chance I’d regret it. It’d result in losing a friend or me turning into an ass.

I’d put my walls up and I’d just wait for an open window to get out of the relationship.

I’d leave only broken people behind me and that was the thing that was killing me. I had no idea why was I unable to have a functional relationship or how could I be so emotionally damaged and unable to love back the people that loved me.

One night I sat down and I confessed to myself I have a problem. I just knew I couldn’t continue making myself oblivious of what I’m doing to others and to myself.

Ho analizzato la mia vita e poi ho capito: Ero una di quelle ragazze il cui rapporto con il padre l'aveva segnata profondamente dal punto di vista emotivo.

Ero una di quelle ragazze che avevano un padre tossico. Ero una di quelle ragazze che ha subito l'influenza di un uomo tossico per troppo tempo.

I left so many broken men behind me all because the one that should love me ‘just because’—didn’t. I made myself walk alone through life because the one man that should show me how love feels like—didn’t.

Il modo in cui trattava le donne nella sua vita mi ha fatto capire come le donne non dovrebbero essere trattate.

He set up my standards so high so the moment I saw just a tiny trait of my dad in the man I was dating or if he did just one thing that my dad did, I’d distance myself. I’d run without ever looking back.

I realized no man will ever be good enough for me. I realized—because of the love he didn’t give me, the love I deserved but didn’t get—I will never allow myself to trust another man. I’ll forever search for him in other men just to run as far away as I can from them.

I didn’t have a toxic boyfriend because I had a toxic dad and that was enough to never give another man a chance in my life.

Even if I have a hard time trusting men, I believe in love. I just hope someone will eventually come to convince me I was wrong for thinking there isn’t anybody out there tailored just for me.

I believe he’ll realize what I’ve been through and see the scars I have on my heart.

Sarò abbastanza paziente e aspetterò uno speciale per scuotere il mio mondo e farmi sentire non colpevole di tutte le cose che mi sono successe.

Con lui sarò di nuovo me stessa e troverò quella pace nel mio cuore che desidero da tanto tempo.

Even though my dad didn’t show me how love feels, there will be a man that will.