We’ve all been told, “He’s just not great at expressing emotions.” And we bought it. We twisted ourselves into patience pretzels, read books on attachment styles, justified the stone-cold silences with “He’s been through a lot.”
But sometimes? It’s not emotional unavailability. It’s emotional laziness. Or worse—plain, old-fashioned selfishness. So here’s a loud, clear PSA: If a man consistently does these 17 things, it’s not because he’s emotionally complex. It’s because he’s unwilling to meet you where you already are. Let’s get into it.
1. He shuts down every time you bring up your feelings
Ever notice how every time you open up about how you feel, he suddenly gets really silent? One second you’re sharing your heart, the next he’s staring at his phone or heading for the door. That’s not deep, mysterious masculinity—it’s someone refusing to deal with reality.
You end up feeling like you’re talking to a wall, or worse, like your needs are too much. It’s not wrong to ask for a little attention. When he constantly checks out, it’s not because he’s emotionally wounded—it’s because he can’t be bothered.
If you find yourself tiptoeing around your own feelings just to keep the peace, maybe it’s not you who’s too sensitive. Maybe he’s just too lazy to care. You deserve better than ice-cold silence every time you speak your mind.
2. He expects your emotional support but gives none in return
Ever been cast as his personal life coach? When he’s having a rough week, you’re the first one he turns to. But when you feel low, it’s crickets or awkward silence.
It hurts when you realize you’re always there for him, yet when you need someone, he acts like it’s a foreign language. Being supportive shouldn’t only flow one way.
If you’re always the shoulder, the sounding board, and the unpaid therapist, you might want to ask yourself: Who’s holding you up? A relationship takes two. You cannot pour from an empty cup, no matter how much he thinks you can. If he expects support but never gives it, that’s not emotional distance—that’s him being self-centered.
3. He uses “I’m not good at talking” as a free pass to never grow
Some guys wave the “I’m bad at talking” flag like it’s a personality quirk instead of a problem. Sure, not everyone’s a poet, but refusing to even try? That’s just stubbornness packaged as vulnerability.
He’s not a cave-dwelling monk; he’s an adult who just doesn’t want to put in the effort. You deserve someone who tries, even if he fumbles the words.
If he’s leaning on that excuse to never work on communication, it’s not your fault for needing more. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re unreasonable for wanting actual conversation. Growth takes effort, and effort is love in action.
4. He makes you feel guilty for having needs
The subtle art of guilt-tripping—he’s mastered it. Every time you ask for a little more attention or affection, suddenly he’s acting like you’re asking for the moon.
You find yourself apologizing for wanting to spend time together or needing some reassurance. That’s not emotional complexity; that’s manipulation in disguise.
You’re allowed to have needs. Being made to feel bad for them isn’t sensitivity—it’s a red flag. A partner who cares will listen. One who’s selfish will find ways to make you feel like you’re always asking for too much. Spoiler: You’re not.
5. He conveniently forgets every conversation that matters to you
Selective memory isn’t just a quirk—it can be a form of emotional laziness. Ever bring up something meaningful, only for him to claim he can’t remember a thing?
Strangely, he’s got a flawless memory for his gym schedule, fantasy football stats, and random trivia. But anything that matters to you? Gone.
You deserve to have your words stick, not slide off like Teflon. If he only retains what benefits him, you might be facing someone who prioritizes convenience over caring. Trust your gut—your memories aren’t faulty, his priorities are.
6. He weaponizes “calm” during every disagreement
There’s such a thing as being too calm. When you’re upset and he acts like nothing’s wrong, it feels less like peace and more like sabotage.
He calls you “dramatic,” stays eerily composed, and makes you feel like the unstable one. That’s not emotional intelligence—it’s emotional avoidance.
Real partners don’t use “calm” as a shield to dodge responsibility. If his chill is always at your expense, it’s a power move, not a virtue. You deserve someone who respects your feelings, not someone who uses Zen as a weapon.
7. He calls you “too emotional” instead of showing actual empathy
The old “too emotional” label—let’s retire it. When you’re hurting and he dismisses you with an eye roll or a sigh, that’s not strength. That’s self-absorption.
Empathy is about listening, not shaming. If he can’t be bothered to truly hear you out, you’re not being dramatic. You’re being human.
You don’t have to shrink yourself to fit his comfort zone. Let him keep his emotional detachment. You deserve someone who meets you with care, not condescension. Never let “too emotional” become a muzzle for your real, important feelings.
8. He never apologizes unless he’s caught red-handed
There’s a difference between genuine apology and damage control. If “I’m sorry” only pops up when he’s caught in the act, that’s not growth—it’s a tactic.
Real remorse comes from caring about how you feel, not just from getting caught. If he only says sorry with his back against the wall, it’s not about healing; it’s about dodging consequences.
You deserve someone who takes responsibility when it counts, not just when it’s convenient. Don’t confuse forced apologies with real change. A partner who only feels bad when exposed is protecting himself—not your relationship.
9. He expects 24/7 understanding for his trauma—but refuses to understand yours
You’re his emotional life raft, always there to listen and understand. But when you open up about your own struggles, suddenly the empathy is missing in action.
Everyone has a story, but relationships aren’t about one person’s pain taking center stage all the time. If he expects you to carry his emotional baggage and won’t even glance at yours, something’s off.
Support goes both ways. You deserve someone who listens as much as he talks, and cares for your heart as much as his own. Don’t settle for being his unpaid therapist while your own needs go unheard.
10. He always makes himself the victim
Ever tried to bring up an issue, only to end up comforting him instead? Somehow, your concerns become his pity party every single time.
He has a knack for flipping the script so you’re the caregiver—even when you’re the one hurting. That’s not a communication problem; it’s emotional deflection.
You shouldn’t have to carry his feelings and your own. If every disagreement ends with you apologizing or consoling him, stop and take stock. Real connection means both people get a turn—not just the master of the guilt trip.
11. He shows zero interest in what lights you up
You gush about your latest project or favorite show, and he barely lifts his eyes from the screen. There’s nothing lonelier than being invisible next to someone who claims to care.
When he can’t even fake curiosity about what matters to you, it’s more than aloofness. It’s a loud hint that your passions just aren’t on his radar.
Love is in the thoughtful questions and the little moments of interest. If he never meets you there—even halfway—you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for the basics: respect and attention.
12. He only “opens up” when he needs something
Suddenly, he’s an open book—right when he needs a favor, a loan, or just a little extra care. But when life’s fine, his emotional door is locked tight.
That’s a classic case of selective vulnerability. Sharing feelings isn’t a transaction or a shortcut to getting his way.
If you notice he only spills his heart when there’s something in it for him, beware. That’s not intimacy; it’s calculation. A loving partner shares emotions to connect, not just to benefit. Don’t confuse neediness for real openness.
13. He refuses to go to therapy—but expects you to fix everything
Therapy isn’t just for the “broken”—it’s for anyone who wants to grow. If he demands that you patch up every emotional crack but won’t even consider outside help, that says a lot.
You aren’t his personal counselor, and it’s not your job to solve all his problems. Real maturity means being willing to seek help, not just offloading on you.
If he expects you to do all the work while he stays put, that’s not partnership—it’s passing the buck. Don’t let him make you the only adult in the relationship.
14. He’s full of excuses—but short on accountability
Excuses, excuses, excuses—he’s got them all. Late texts? He was “busy.” Didn’t listen? He was “tired.” Hurt your feelings? He “didn’t mean it like that.”
Eventually, every reason starts sounding like a red flag. Accountability is about facing up, not dodging blame with clever words.
Partners who care admit when they mess up. If you’re handed a never-ending list of reasons instead of a real apology, ask yourself if he’s really invested—or just invested in avoiding responsibility.
15. He acts like your standards are “too much”
Expecting consistency, communication, and kindness isn’t asking for a golden ticket. Yet somehow, he acts like your baseline standards are an impossible checklist.
It’s not high-maintenance to want someone who shows up and follows through. If he’s pushing back, maybe it’s because effort feels like a chore he’s unwilling to do.
Don’t let him wear you down. Your standards protect your heart, and anyone who says they’re “too much” might just be offering too little. Never apologize for knowing your worth.
16. He romanticizes his emotional damage but never repairs it
Wounded soul act, anyone? He loves to talk about how “broken” or “messed up” he is, spinning struggle into some kind of tragic charm.
But when it comes time to actually do the work—therapy, self-reflection, honest conversations—he’s nowhere to be found. Pain is real, but wallowing in it without trying to heal is just selfishness in disguise.
It’s one thing to have scars. It’s another to use them as a shield from ever growing up. Don’t let his sad stories distract you from the truth: Change is possible, if he wants it.
17. He uses his past as a shield instead of a mirror
We all have a history, but how we use it matters. Some guys pull out their past like a get-out-of-jail-free card whenever things get tough.
Instead of saying, “Here’s what I’m working on,” it’s always, “This is why I can’t do better.” That’s not growth; that’s avoidance.
Your partner should use his past to learn and improve, not to justify treating you poorly. Don’t let his old wounds become your new normal. You deserve someone who grows, not someone who hides behind excuses.