We’ve all done it. Rolled our eyes. Dropped a backhanded compliment. Critiqued someone just a little too harshly. Not because they deserved it—but because something inside us felt off. And afterward? Maybe there’s a flicker of guilt… or maybe a small, smug feeling we don’t want to admit.
Why do we do this? Because putting someone down can feel like momentary power in the middle of our own emotional storm. But that “boost”? It’s brittle. Because tearing others down never builds real confidence—it just covers up the cracks for a moment.
Here are 20 deeply human, often uncomfortable reasons we sometimes put others down to feel better about ourselves—and how to start rewriting that pattern with self-awareness and grace.
1. You’re Wrestling With Insecurity
Ever catch yourself nitpicking someone else’s outfit or choices when you’re feeling low? That’s insecurity whispering in your ear, convincing you that shrinking someone else magically makes you bigger.
It’s like giving your confidence a sugar rush—it feels good for a second, then you crash right back down. When you don’t feel enough as you are, it’s tempting to bring others down to your level instead of lifting yourself up.
Here’s the truth: real self-worth doesn’t come from cutting others down. The next time you feel that urge, pause. Remind yourself you’re worthy even when you’re struggling. The kindness you show others is a kindness you give yourself. You’ll feel lighter, I promise.
2. Comparison Has Hijacked Your Mind
Scrolling through Instagram, you see someone’s highlight reel and suddenly your day feels gray. That sneaky voice starts: “Well, she must have gotten Botox,” or “If I had parents like hers…”
Comparison is a thief, snatching your peace and leaving you feeling empty. It’s easier to tear others down with snarky comments than admit you’re feeling less-than.
Those quick jabs won’t heal your own doubts. Try celebrating someone else’s win out loud—you’ll be surprised how much better it feels. You’re not in competition with anyone. Your path is yours. And honestly? Cheering for other women is way more fun than tearing them down.
3. It’s How You Learned to Cope
Growing up, maybe every dinner was a roast session. Sarcasm. Eye rolls. Subtle digs passed off as jokes. That’s how you learned to deal with discomfort or pain.
That kind of environment wires you to see criticism as normal conversation. It becomes your emotional coping tool, even when it isn’t helpful.
It takes guts to notice these patterns and choose something different. You can rewrite your story. Just because you learned to cope this way doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. It’s okay to outgrow your old survival skills. A little self-awareness can change everything.
4. You’re Uncomfortable With Their Confidence
Someone walks in with all the confidence you wish you had. Instead of admiring it, you poke holes, whisper about arrogance, or roll your eyes.
It’s not really about them—it’s about your own permission slip. Deep down, you might not believe you’re allowed to take up space that boldly.
Resist the urge to shrink them. Instead, ask yourself: what if her shine is proof you can shine, too? Confidence isn’t a limited resource. Let her boldness inspire you instead of threatening you. There’s room for everyone at the table.
5. You’re Craving Control in a Life That Feels Uncertain
When everything else feels like it’s spinning out of control, judging someone else gives a weird sense of stability. It’s a quick fix—like grabbing the steering wheel when you’re scared.
But let’s be honest, the power is fake. Putting someone down only masks your own uncertainty for a moment. The world is messy.
You can’t control everything (or anyone). Instead, focus on the small things you can manage—your attitude, your kindness, your own choices. The world won’t fall apart if you let others be themselves. Promise.
6. It Feels Easier Than Facing Your Own Stuff
Pointing out someone else’s flaws is lightning-fast. Looking in the mirror and asking yourself tough questions? That’s slow, awkward, and sometimes painful.
It’s easier to critique others than to sit with your own mess. But you can’t heal what you won’t face.
Next time you catch yourself judging, try flipping the script: what’s really going on with you? It’s not always fun, but it’s freeing. Facing your stuff is the bravest move you’ll ever make. And you deserve to be free from old junk.
7. You Want to Fit In With Critical People
Sometimes, everyone around you is playing the mean-girl game, and you join in just to belong. Connection matters, but the cost shouldn’t be your kindness.
It’s tempting to laugh along or one-up someone’s snide comment for a seat at the table. But friendships built on cruelty always end up empty.
The real magic? Finding your people—the ones who stick up for others and call you higher. You’re allowed to outgrow circles that don’t feel good. Fitting in isn’t worth losing your soul.
8. You’ve Been Hurt and Haven’t Healed Yet
Wounds don’t just disappear—sometimes they turn into armor. If someone reminds you of who hurt you, your instincts kick in and you go on the offense.
You lash out or make cutting remarks, not because they deserve it, but so you don’t have to feel vulnerable again. It’s a self-defense move, not true meanness.
Healing is messy, but it’s the only way out. Notice when old pain is running the show. Give yourself some grace, and let yourself feel so you can finally let go. You’re not stuck.
9. You Confuse Sarcasm With Wit
Clever jabs and “just kidding!” are easy ways to deflect when you don’t want to get real. It’s easy to confuse sarcasm with being witty—but if someone always ends up feeling small, it’s not humor.
Those quick laughs can become your shield. The risk? You end up lonely, surrounded by people who don’t trust you.
Try trading sarcasm for honesty. The best conversations happen when people feel safe—not when they’re dodging your next punchline. Wit can light up a room. Sarcasm? Not so much.
10. You’re Secretly Envious
Envy is sneaky. You see someone with the life, body, or relationship you want, and your gut twists. Instead of naming the desire, it sometimes comes out as critique.
You might downplay their success, roll your eyes, or gossip. It feels safer than admitting you wish you had what they do.
But envy can be your teacher. Let it show you what you truly want instead of fueling resentment. Name it, own it, and use it to inspire change. Someone else’s win doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
11. You’ve Built Identity on Being the Smartest or Strongest
If you’ve always been known as the smart one, or the tough one, every new success story can feel like a threat. You start nitpicking or minimizing others so you can stay on top.
Your value isn’t tied to always being the best. Trying to keep others small just makes you lonelier at the top—if you even get there.
It’s okay to let your guard down. You can root for other women and still be a powerhouse. The world needs everyone’s brilliance.
12. It Gives You a Temporary Ego Boost
Let’s be honest—sometimes, making someone else feel small gives you a little buzz. It’s quick, it’s satisfying, and it’s over as fast as it began.
But just like a candy binge, the crash is brutal. You’re left with regret (and maybe some side-eyes from friends who noticed).
You deserve better than fleeting highs. Find ways to boost yourself that don’t require tearing others down. Real confidence isn’t borrowed from someone else’s pain.
13. You Don’t Know How to Sit With Vulnerability
When someone gets real and opens up, do you feel squirmy? Vulnerability is scary—especially if you learned to hide your feelings growing up.
You might resort to mocking or side-eye just to avoid feeling exposed. It’s easier to tease than to show your own soft spots.
But being open connects us more than any joke ever could. Let yourself be a little raw—you might be surprised by how safe and seen you feel. Vulnerability is strength in disguise.
14. You’re Burned Out and Emotionally Overdrawn
When your emotional battery is flashing red, patience and compassion are the first casualties. You snap, snark, or lash out—not because you’re heartless, but because you’re running on fumes.
Burnout makes everything harder. It’s tough to be gentle with others when you’re not gentle with yourself.
If you catch yourself in this cycle, give yourself permission to rest. Recharging isn’t selfish—it’s survival. You can’t pour from an empty cup, remember?
15. It Feels Safer Than Being Honest About What You Need
Sometimes, needing help feels embarrassing or risky. So instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” you lash out and make others feel small.
It’s protection. But it also creates distance. The people who care can’t help if you push them away.
Next time you want to bite, try saying what you really need. Honesty is scary but so much more rewarding. Ask for support—you’re worth it.
16. You Mistake Criticism for Strength
Sharp words sometimes feel like power moves. Maybe you learned that being tough or brutally honest meant you were strong.
But strength isn’t measured by how harsh you can be. In fact, compassion takes more guts than cruelty ever did.
If you want to be strong, try kindness. Your words can build bridges, not walls. People remember how you made them feel, not how blunt you were.
17. You’re Scared They’ll See the Real You
Letting people get close is risky. If they see the real, unfiltered you, what if they judge or reject you?
So you distract them with snarky comments, keeping them at arm’s length. It’s armor—but it gets heavy fast.
Being seen is scary, but it’s also how we connect. Let someone in, even if it feels risky. That’s how you find your real friends.
18. You Were Once Put Down by Someone You Admired
Sometimes, the sharpest criticism comes from those we looked up to. If you were belittled by someone you admired, you might pass the pattern on, without realizing it.
It’s a way to reclaim power—doing to others what was done to you. But you don’t have to keep the cycle going.
You have the power to break the chain. Treat others the way you wish you’d been treated. That’s real strength.
19. You’re Struggling to Feel Seen
Feeling invisible can make you desperate to be noticed, even if it means being negative. Sometimes, shrinking someone else is just a call to be seen yourself.
But attention won’t fill the ache of not being valued. It’s only when you value yourself that you stop needing to bring others down.
Make space for your own voice, in ways that feel good and true. There’s room for you, too.
20. You Haven’t Learned Healthier Ways to Validate Yourself (Yet)
Validation matters—but if you’ve never learned how to give it to yourself, you might reach for it in messy ways. Like putting others down, hoping to feel better by comparison.
Here’s the plot twist: you can learn new ways. Self-awareness is the first step. You get to rewrite your patterns, one honest moment at a time.
Celebrate your own growth, even if it’s slow. Every time you choose kindness, you build real confidence from the inside out. That’s where the good stuff is.