It was only a few weeks after the breakup and my ex’s relationship status went from “in a relationship“ to “single“. Photos of him partying with friends and some unknown women were cluttering my news feed. His texts stopped coming and it seemed like he was over me just like that. In the blink of an eye, all the love he swore he had for me was gone and he moved on.

Entretanto, eu ainda estava a meio da minha segunda embalagem de gelado, a lutar contra as insónias, a chorar sem parar, a falar com os meus amigos, a analisar excessivamente a separação e a relação, a tentar dar algum sentido ao que tinha acabado de acontecer. Tentando chegar ao fundo das coisas.

“How can he move on so fast? Did he ever love me? How can he be so heartless? Where did his love go?” e certamente "Será que ele sente a minha falta?”  were just some of the questions echoing in my head and making everything so much more difficult for me. But they wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t silence my mind. I couldn’t stop the pain that was just getting deeper.

My world was falling apart and he was having the time of his life. I couldn’t grasp it. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand what was going on in his head. It’s maybe not a good thing to confess but if I had known I wasn’t the only one hurting, if I had known that he was going through something similar, maybe it would have been easier to get over the breakup.

I know that a lot of women can relate. And a lot of them are wondering, “Why is this so? Why do men and women handle breakups differently?” This is what I have found out:

1. Reacções iniciais

Logo após a separação, a mulher analisa e tenta dar algum sentido à situação. Falará abertamente sobre o assunto com os amigos, de forma a facilitar as coisas para si própria. Por outro lado, os homens lutar contra os seus sentimentos. They will ignore them and put them aside. They will avoid the subject and try to move on as fast as they can because that’s what men do. They don’t display their feelings publically or go into in-depth analyses with their friends.

Numa perspetiva a longo prazo, as mulheres têm melhores resultados na superação de uma separação. Pode demorar muito tempo, mas elas processam os seus sentimentos. Ao falarem sobre eles, de certa forma, deixam a dor sair lentamente dos seus sistemas. Chegam a algumas conclusões significativas que as ajudam a ter uma vida melhor por causa disso.

2. Tempo de realização

While that initial blow is harder on women, that doesn’t mean men are unaffected. A breakup doesn’t spare anybody—it’s just the difference in timing. Women are more affected at the beginning and men later on.

Enquanto as mulheres estão a passar pelo período de luto e a dissecar toda a relação com as amigas, estão na realidade a curar-se a si próprias nesse processo. Percebem que acabou e porque é que teve de ser assim. Por outro lado, os homens estão demasiado ocupados a fugir dos seus sentimentos e a distraírem-se, de modo que a perceção da rutura e do facto de não poderem voltar atrás vem mais tarde.

3. Mecanismos de resposta

This is probably one of the most important differences. After the breakup, men are guarding their pride and self-esteem. They can experience anger and resentment if they weren’t the ones who did the breaking up. So their coping mechanisms are bit more destructive. They hide their feelings, go out partying, are more prone to rebound relationships, etc. So, they don’t solve the problem. They are not healing—they are avoiding dealing with the breakup.

Women, however, do the complete opposite and most of the relationship experts agree that women’s way of coping with breakups is more constructive. By turning to other people in their lives, by talking about their feelings and analyzing them, they try to give themselves some kind of closure. They learn their lessons, try to see the silver lining in all the pain and grow as the individuals.

4. Percepções específicas de uma relação

Os homens e as mulheres têm visões totalmente diferentes sobre o conceito de relação e de expectativas diferentes. A maioria das mulheres, normalmente sem qualquer intenção real de o fazer, encara uma relação como algo a longo prazo desde o início. Por isso, investem muito mais nas relações do que os homens. E isso é natural e normal, mas um ótimo início de relação não garante que se esteja onde se deve estar.

That’s why when the relationship breaks up, women have this feeling that they have lost so much more—the potential of the relationship and everything they thought that relationship could become has gone down the drain. By default, the pain is so much greater for it. On the contrary, men are less affected and less hurt because of their perception of a relationship. They go one day at a time without thinking too much of where the relationship is headed, especially early on.

5. Emoções vs. razão

A maioria das mulheres está mais em contacto com os seus sentimentos do que os homens. Como resultado, também são melhores a enfrentar esses mesmos sentimentos em vez de os combater. Os homens empurram os seus sentimentos para o fundo do poço. Fazem tudo para não sentir nada e quando finalmente param com as festas, relações de ricochete e todas as outras distracções, a realidade começará a fazer-se sentir.

Men are more likely to follow their minds than their hearts. That’s why they might have it easier when they get to the point of thinking about why the breakup was inevitable and why it was the best thing possible. The bad side is that the reasoning kicks in late and they might regret breaking up and losing a great woman

O que acabei por perceber é que o meu ex gostava de mim, mas tinha uma forma diferente de lidar com a separação. Men and women are by default different in most of things—after breakup periods are no exception. So, it’s no wonder that men and women often fail to understand each other.

All along, I thought my ex-was moving on so fast after the breakup, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The thing is while I was processing things, he was ignoring them, blocking all the memories of us and putting on a show for himself, his friends and me just so he could prove he was a ‘real man’ who gets over things so easily.

Muito depois da nossa separação, quando eu já tinha reparado o meu coração partido, percebido porque é que a separação tinha de acontecer e aprendido as minhas lições, ele confessou que a separação tinha começado a afectá-lo. Durante todo este tempo, ele fingiu que me tinha ultrapassado, evitando lidar com as suas emoções. Só quando deixou de fingir é que se apercebeu que me tinha perdido de vez e que não havia volta a dar. O seu processo de cura estava apenas a começar.