Porque é que toda a gente se sente no direito de dizer às novas mães como educar os seus filhos?
You must’ve experienced a mom-shaming yourself. I had no idea it even existed until I became a mom. At the very same moment, toda a gente me começou a dizer o que fazer.
It was at a barbecue party that my parents organized to celebrate my dad’s birthday.
– “I’ll take him, you should get some rest”disse a minha prima e eu, felizmente, entreguei-lhe o meu filho de 3 meses. Mas Assim que ela o pegou, o bebé começou a chorar.
Levei-o de volta e ele voltou a ficar calmo. O meu primo pareceu-me um pouco insultado e disse-me:
– “He would have come down.”
Obriguei-me a sorrir e respondi:
– “He doesn’t like to be held by anyone but me.”
Ela deu-me uma lição à frente de toda a gente:
– “You’re making the big mistake to comfort him as soon as he starts crying. He was just fine.”
Estava a tremer e sentia desconforto. A minha auto-confiança desapareceu.
E se eu estivesse errado?
Sentia que todos estavam a olhar para mim, a mãe incapaz. I couldn’t take it any longer, apologized to my parents, took my son, and left home.
This is quite common, when you’re a new mom everyone feels entitled to give you advice and fazer comentários sobre as suas escolhas parentais.
It happens to many women, suddenly you’re flooded with everyone’s opinions and judgments on your parenting style.
A humilhação das mães começa logo após a gravidez
First, they feel it’s ok to make comments about your weight. Then they keep asking you about the due date. When the baby is born they ask about their weight and height and then compare it to their children’s.
Depois, temos uma explosão de avaliações que parecem perguntas mas que, na realidade, são afirmações sobre os seus erros. À medida que o bebé cresce, há ainda mais:
“Baby needs to sleep alone in his bed, you will make him too dependent on you.”
“Is he cold?”
“Maybe he’s hungry?”
“Maybe he’s thirsty.”
“Do you breastfeed? Why not? I breastfed my kids until they were two. You have no idea how crucial it is for their development and well-being.”
“Maybe you’re low on milk, he looks skinny. Why don’t you supplement with formula.”
“He must get used to staying with someone else. You need to get out of the house sometimes.”
“Oh, you do? We don’t allow that in our house?”
“I would never let my baby cry herself out until she falls asleep. That’s inhumane!”
“Oh, just let him eat if he likes it. Kids love sweets.“
“If you just do it like this, your kid would have no choice but to do what you’re asking.”
“He’s still wearing diapers? I potty trained my kids when they were one year old.”
“He needs to socialize, why are you being overprotective?”
“I can’t believe you’re allowing him to watch TV? Screens are a no-no.”
“What kind of mother lets her kids play in the dust?”
“Sleeping was never an issue for us. Probably because we did it right at the beginning.”
“Have you tried bouncer? It worked miracles for us.”
“I promised myself when I become a mom I will never do that.”
I was overwhelmed with an excessive amount of advice that I didn’t ask for. It felt like I was wearing a huge sign above my head:
“I’m a mom, please come to tell me what I should do! Please judge me if I do things differently than you and feel free to give me your opinion. I know you know better than me.”
Sentia que alguém estava constantemente a tentar alterar as minhas acções e a anular as minhas decisões. Depois, os pais ajudaram-me a aprender:
É preciso acreditar em si próprio
O meu principal problema era a insegurança. Além disso, eu era tão concentrava-me em evitar conflitos e era muito difícil para mim estabelecer limites. Não podia dizer às pessoas “Ok, thanks, but I didn’t ask for your advice.” That’s why I often felt like I was doing it all wrong.
I doubted myself, and my parenting skills. I was scared I would spoil my son…
Passados alguns anos, tornei-me mais confiante e consegui lidar com todas as críticas e julgamentos. I started following my intuition and I realized I KNOW what’s best for my child. Of course, I make mistakes sometimes, but who doesn’t?
Mistakes are there to help us become better parents. Those who understand their children’s unique personality traits and know how to satisfy their needs.
Now that my boy has started school and I have a few years of parenting experience, I’m telling you, há tantas formas e estilos diferentes de ser pai ou mãe and they all could give amazing results. It’s up to you to decide!
Pode escolher o que funciona para si e para os seus filhos. It’s not like one-size-fits-all. We are all different and so are our kids. We can assess what’s best for them according to our experiences and we know what will make them respond.
I still don’t understand why people feel the urge to share their opinions sobre quando é que as crianças devem aprender a usar o bacio, quanto tempo devem amamentar, o que devem comer e como se devem comportar.
When I’m talking to a new parent I try to share my experience only if they ask me for advice. I don’t “teach” them how to handle their kids.
E da próxima vez que alguém tentar dar-te um conselho paternal indesejado, mostra-lhe este vídeo:
