Perché tutti si sentono in diritto di dire alle neomamme come educare i figli?
You must’ve experienced a mom-shaming yourself. I had no idea it even existed until I became a mom. At the very same moment, tutti hanno iniziato a dirmi cosa fare.
It was at a barbecue party that my parents organized to celebrate my dad’s birthday.
– “I’ll take him, you should get some rest”, disse mia cugina e io, per fortuna, le passai mio figlio di 3 mesi. Ma Appena l'ha preso, il bambino ha iniziato a piangere.
L'ho riportato indietro e si è calmato di nuovo. Mio cugino sembrava un po' offeso e me lo ha detto:
– “He would have come down.”
Mi costrinsi a sorridere e risposi:
– “He doesn’t like to be held by anyone but me.”
Mi ha dato una lezione davanti a tutti:
– “You’re making the big mistake to comfort him as soon as he starts crying. He was just fine.”
Tremavo e mi sentivo a disagio. La mia fiducia in me stesso è scomparsa.
E se mi fossi sbagliato?
Mi sentivo come se tutti mi stessero fissando, la mamma incapace. I couldn’t take it any longer, apologized to my parents, took my son, and left home.
This is quite common, when you’re a new mom everyone feels entitled to give you advice and fare commenti sulle vostre scelte genitoriali.
It happens to many women, suddenly you’re flooded with everyone’s opinions and judgments on your parenting style.
Il mom-shaming inizia non appena si rimane incinta
First, they feel it’s ok to make comments about your weight. Then they keep asking you about the due date. When the baby is born they ask about their weight and height and then compare it to their children’s.
Poi si ha un'esplosione di valutazioni che sembrano domande, ma in realtà sono affermazioni sui vostri errori. Man mano che il bambino cresce, se ne ottengono ancora di più:
“Baby needs to sleep alone in his bed, you will make him too dependent on you.”
“Is he cold?”
“Maybe he’s hungry?”
“Maybe he’s thirsty.”
“Do you breastfeed? Why not? I breastfed my kids until they were two. You have no idea how crucial it is for their development and well-being.”
“Maybe you’re low on milk, he looks skinny. Why don’t you supplement with formula.”
“He must get used to staying with someone else. You need to get out of the house sometimes.”
“Oh, you do? We don’t allow that in our house?”
“I would never let my baby cry herself out until she falls asleep. That’s inhumane!”
“Oh, just let him eat if he likes it. Kids love sweets.“
“If you just do it like this, your kid would have no choice but to do what you’re asking.”
“He’s still wearing diapers? I potty trained my kids when they were one year old.”
“He needs to socialize, why are you being overprotective?”
“I can’t believe you’re allowing him to watch TV? Screens are a no-no.”
“What kind of mother lets her kids play in the dust?”
“Sleeping was never an issue for us. Probably because we did it right at the beginning.”
“Have you tried bouncer? It worked miracles for us.”
“I promised myself when I become a mom I will never do that.”
I was overwhelmed with an excessive amount of advice that I didn’t ask for. It felt like I was wearing a huge sign above my head:
“I’m a mom, please come to tell me what I should do! Please judge me if I do things differently than you and feel free to give me your opinion. I know you know better than me.”
Mi sentivo come se qualcuno cercasse costantemente di modificare le mie azioni e di annullare le mie decisioni. Poi, i genitori mi hanno aiutato a imparare:
Bisogna credere in se stessi
Il mio problema principale era l'insicurezza. Inoltre, ero così concentrata sull'evitare i conflitti e per me è stato molto difficile stabilire dei limiti. Non potevo dire alle persone “Ok, thanks, but I didn’t ask for your advice.” That’s why I often felt like I was doing it all wrong.
I doubted myself, and my parenting skills. I was scared I would spoil my son…
Dopo un paio d'anni, sono diventata più sicura di me stessa e sono riuscita a gestire tutte le critiche e i giudizi. I started following my intuition and I realized I KNOW what’s best for my child. Of course, I make mistakes sometimes, but who doesn’t?
Mistakes are there to help us become better parents. Those who understand their children’s unique personality traits and know how to satisfy their needs.
Now that my boy has started school and I have a few years of parenting experience, I’m telling you, ci sono così tanti modi e stili diversi di fare il genitore and they all could give amazing results. It’s up to you to decide!
Potete scegliere ciò che funziona per voi e per i vostri figli. It’s not like one-size-fits-all. We are all different and so are our kids. We can assess what’s best for them according to our experiences and we know what will make them respond.
I still don’t understand why people feel the urge to share their opinions su quando i bambini devono essere educati al vasino, su quanto tempo devono allattare, su cosa devono mangiare e su come devono comportarsi.
When I’m talking to a new parent I try to share my experience only if they ask me for advice. I don’t “teach” them how to handle their kids.
E la prossima volta che qualcuno cercherà di darvi un consiglio genitoriale indesiderato, mostrategli questo video:
