Correr era a minha cura e o meu estojo de primeiros socorros

I was waiting for the camera crews to come out from the shadows when my very serious of a boyfriend decided to inform me he was no longer ‘sexually attracted’ to me. First, I was in shock. Then I was mostly grateful that my fight or flight was impaired at that moment. Any normal girl would have taken a dagger to the asshole who was deciding to tell his girlfriend, on her BIRTHDAY, yes, on my birthday, that he couldn’t do this anymore.

As I watched his lips move up and down, I zoned out into another dimension. In my brain I was thinking, isn’t attraction the first thing that happens in a relationship? So why now was this epiphany just coming to him? Confusion ran through my mind. Confusion ran through my mind like wildfire.

The abundant amount of support and endless encouragement I gave him when it came to what was important to him—those so-called Ironmans and a close call with an almost job loss, Eu estava lá. Estava sempre lá para o levantar todos os dias. Eu estava lá para o ajudar a construir esses blocos de confiança quando ele precisava de um impulso extra de encorajamento. Elogiei-o, elogiei-o e, sim, até lhe limpei as feridas quando ele caiu da bicicleta a competir nos Ironmans. Eu estava lá. Eu estava lá para tudo isto e eu estava lá enquanto estudava para os exames, trabalhava a tempo inteiro e ainda assim arranjava tempo para ele, para lhe dar o amor que eu achava que ele merecia. I did not ask for anything from him except just a little bit of his heart and attention in return. I never understood why he couldn’t have just given just a little of himself…

Looking back on it, I now understood why he couldn’t support me the way I supported him. In addition to his salary-earning full-time job, he had another full-time job catering to the 40 year-old spinning instructor, the 35 year-old Ironman girl and the 32 year-old aspiring country singer. They were introduced to me as ‘amigos’. I was so naive—I actually believed a good-looking man could have female friends. After all, I’m an attractive female and I have plenty of male friends who are truly just friends. Well, I may have been naive but I’m not stupid. My girl radar was up on high alert after a few rounds of questioning him about his friends. I was truly just asking about what they did and he turned it around to faz-me sentir como se eu fosse o louco. He said ‘all my questions’ reflected my own insecurities (no, asswipe, I truly was interested in who they were, what they did, etc.) He tried very hard to deflect and make me feel as if I was some crazy, psycho bitch. He filled my head with his lies.

Back to my birthday… I felt so sad and lonely and never had I felt such humiliation. His words cut me to the core of my being. It took him this long to determine he wasn’t attracted to me?

Felizmente, com a ajuda de outras pessoas, consegui perceber que eram as suas próprias inseguranças tóxicas que ele tinha projetado em mim. He was doing his best to destroy me—until there was nothing left. Quase o tinha deixado ganhar com os seus jogos mentais doentios. Quase o tinha deixado ganhar ao despojar-me do meu coração e da minha alma.

Aprendi lentamente a rezar menos para o afastar e para as memórias dolorosas e mais para a arte de ultrapassar a dor. Ao longo da aprendizagem de como ultrapassar a dor, apercebi-me de que cada dia e fiz uma promessa a mim própria de me reconstruir na mulher que era antes de o conhecer.

Eu sabia que precisava de ajuda e o que me ajudou a superar o meu pai foi a alegria que senti ao correr. Correr tornou-se uma necessidade para mim, sabe, como comida e água.

Correr era o meu escape muito especial e tornou-se o meu sessão diária de terapia when I couldn’t stop those hurtful words echoing throughout my mind. Running helped me find my own voice.

I needed to run. I needed to run every day. I needed to run for my own sanity. I’m not sure if it is because of the endorphins that are released but running became my drug of choice when dealing with the pain.

Considero a corrida como o melhor anti-depressivo que alguém pode tomar. A corrida leva força e resistência física. Running helped my body physically and mentally. Physically, running helped improve my much-lost sleep at night caused by the haunting, painful memories. Mentally, running helped me to think clearly and to rebuild my self-esteem and ego—which had been stripped to absolutely nothing.

Running wasn’t just about distance and mileage for me. I set goals mentally. Each runPrometi a mim próprio continuar a correr até que a dor e o pânico das suas memórias tóxicas diminuíssem cada vez mais e a sua voz se calasse. Prometi a mim própria que, a cada corrida, iria enfrentar os medos que ele me tinha colocado.

Correr ensinou-me algo sobre a vida em geral. Alguns dias serão melhores do que outros. Some days you’ll have the absolute best run of your life and some days you’ll barely find the fuel to keep your legs going. Tal como em alguns dias com ele, mal conseguia aguentar a dor e noutros era totalmente invencível.

Correr foi a minha cura para tudo e o meu mecanismo de sobrevivência para voltar a controlar a minha vida. Por isso, encorajo-o a ir em frente e a suar, a abrir o kit de primeiros socorros que inclui ténis e uma roupa gira. Corra até que a dor se torne cada vez menor e a sua a força supera toda a sua negatividade.