Como podes viver contigo mesmo, sabendo o que me fizeste?

What you did to me was horrible and there is no doubt about it. I know you keep telling yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong to me and I know you keep justifying yourself in front of yourself and in front of everyone else. I know you are not consumed by guilt and that you don’t blame yourself for all the hell you put me through. I know you are probably doing all of this because you can’t face all of the horror you made me go through and because you couldn’t look at yourself in the mirror if you admitted everything you did.

But saying all of this to yourself doesn’t change everything you did and doesn’t change the essence of who you are. It doesn’t change the fact that you betrayed me, disappointed me, that you took advantage of me, that you used me and that you broke my heart and broke me into pieces. It doesn’t change the fact that you are a manipulador tóxico and a selfish man who takes care of your needs only and it doesn’t change the fact that your behavior toward me was never OK.

Embora isso seja algo que estou a aprender a aceitar e embora Estou a esforçar-me muito para aprender a viver sem ti and to learn to live with the fact that you obviously never loved me, there are still some things I can’t understand when it comes to you. I’ve stopped looking for reasons why you did all the things you did to me but I still don’t know how you could have done all of them. I still don’t know how come you have no conscience and how you could live with yourself knowing you’ve hurt me in the worst possible ways.

I still don’t know how you can sleep peacefully knowing you are the cause of my nightmares, knowing I am the one crying myself to sleep every night. How can you sleep peacefully knowing there is someone out there waking up in the middle of the night screaming, traumatized for all the things you’ve done?

Como é que se pode viver consigo próprio sabendo que traíste o único rapariga que te amava incondicionalmente? How can you continue living your life knowing that you’ve disappointed me and that you ruined everything I fought so hard for?

Como é que nos podemos ver ao espelho sabendo que me traíste e que me substituíste por uma rapariga que nunca terá o meu valor? Como podes beijar esta rapariga, prometendo-lhe tudo o que me prometeste e vivendo com ela a vida que planeámos? Como podes tê-la nos teus braços, sabendo o mal que a tua traição me fez?

Como é que podes pensar que és um bom homem, Sabendo que te aproveitaste do meu amor por ti, sabendo que só me usaste para o teu ego e sabendo que nunca foste realmente honesto comigo?

Como é que podes viver contigo mesmo sabendo que estragaste tudo o que de belo se passou entre nós dois e que estragaste as minhas hipóteses de ser feliz?

How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you’ve damaged me for good, knowing that you’ve changed me forever? Knowing that you’ve made me deixar de acreditar em finais felizes and in love, knowing that you’ve turned me into a bitter and negative person that I never was before?

How can you be peaceful knowing that you pretended to be someone you clearly are not and knowing that you lied to me all along while I was nothing but honest with you? Knowing that you led me on while you needed me and then dumping me like I never meant anything to you? Knowing that you played with someone’s emotions, knowing that you manipulated and emotionally abused the woman who loved you?

I guess these are all the questions I will never get answers to. Because I assume you don’t know them either. And maybe it’s better this way. Maybe I can’t understand all of this because I could never be like you and because I could never do the things you did to me.