A lista definitiva de prós e contras de um relacionamento que funciona

Em qualquer situação em que não saiba o que fazer, tente fazer uma lista de prós e contras e veja o que acontece.

Expor os seus sentimentos sobre qualquer dilema faz com que o aborde de uma forma diferente da habitual. A list can open your eyes to what’s important to you and what you prioritize – and even make you rethink your initial expectations.

Quando se trata da sua vida amorosa, as coisas complicam-se. Os seus sentimentos românticos são importantes, mas também o são muitas outras coisas. Fazer uma lista de prós e contras de uma relação pode ajudá-lo a tomar grandes decisões que, de outra forma, podem parecer difíceis.

These are the questions you should include in your list to make sure that you’re in a relationship that will bring you happiness in the long run.

Como criar a sua lista definitiva de prós e contras da relação

Mesmo as relações românticas que começam como romances de turbilhão, em que duas pessoas se apaixonam perdidamente, precisam de muito trabalho se quiserem continuar a viver felizes para sempre.

Some people only chase that spark, but if you want a long-term partnership, it’s necessary to make sure that the other person is a good match for you.

If you’re unsure, creating a relationship pros and cons list can be a great help. Using the following questions that cover every aspect of a healthy and happy relationship, you can create your own checklist that’s unique to your relationship.

1. Eliminar os sinais de alerta

O primeiro passo para criar a sua lista é analisar atentamente o seu parceiro atual e a sua relação e eliminar quaisquer sinais de alerta. Muitas vezes optamos por ignorar coisas incómodas que uma pessoa de quem gostamos faz porque queremos que a relação funcione.

Infelizmente, alguns problemas só se agravam, por isso, antes de fazer qualquer outra coisa, pense cuidadosamente nos seguintes pontos.

Abuso físico

• Is your partner ever violent or physically abusive?

• When your partner is angry, do you feel unsafe? Tem medo de os irritar?

• Does your partner ever take out their anger on objects around them, such as breaking household items?

• Does your partner push your physical boundaries? When you tell them to stop or ask for space, do they continue to touch you, even in ways that aren’t sexual (poking you, tickling you, hugging you)?

• Does your partner respect your sexual boundaries? Do they ever try to convince you to do something you don’t want to do?

Abuso emocional

• Does your partner put you down? For example, do they tell you that you’re lucky you have them because you could never do better?

• Do they frequently criticize your appearance, behavior, friends, etc.?

• Are they passive-aggressive and sarcastic in their comments about you?

• Does your partner blame you for their problems?

• Can you talk to them openly, feeling safe instead of judged?

• Can you express your feelings without fear?

• Do you feel comfortable or anxious around your partner?

• Does your partner gaslight you? Do they ever try to manipulate your reality by rejecting your words? Do they tell you you’re too sensitive or deny your feelings when you express them?

RELACIONADO: 7 maneiras de se proteger do abuso emocional

Ciúme

• Is your partner excessively ciumento e possessivo?

• Do they try to control where you go, what you do or who you socialize with?

• Can they manage their jealousy?

• Is your partner clingy, needy or demands too much of your time? Are they okay spending time apart from you?

Honestidade

• Does your partner frequently lie to you?

• Is your partner consistently hiding things from you or trying to make themselves seem better by telling you things that aren’t true?

• Does your partner tell you things on a need-to-know basis?

Compromisso

• Is your partner unwilling to compromise?

• Do they tell you that things are always done your way whenever you get to make even the smallest shared decision?

Comunicação

• Can you communicate effectively?

• Does your partner listen to you or do they only wait for their turn to speak? Are they open to hearing you out?

RELACIONADO: 9 maneiras de lidar com a falta de comunicação numa relação

Resolução de conflitos

• Does your partner avoid discussing problems?

• Do they walk away from arguments or ignore you when you try to talk about a difficult topic?

• Do they lash out at you instead of discussing something?

• Do you avoid conflict because they always escalate it?

• Does your partner fight to win and not to solve your problems? Is it important to them to always be right?

Socialização

• Does your partner often gossip or talk negatively about others?

• Do they have friendships and are they accepting of your friends?

• Do your friends and family like your partner?

• Are you reluctant to introduce your partner to your family and friends? Is there something about them that you don’t want your loved ones to see?

Compromisso

• Does your partner always choose you?

• Do you think they are capaz de se empenhar?

Saúde mental

• Does your partner care about their mental health?

• Do they know how to care for their saúde mental?

• Does your partner constantly need validation from you?

• Do they have self-esteem and self-confidence issues that they’re not addressing?

• Does your partner expect you to take responsibility for their feelings?

Outras questões

• Does your partner show signs of alcohol or substance abuse?

• Does your partner have a bad relationship with their family that they won’t tell you about?

• Would you describe your partner as “difficult”?

• Is your partner prejudiced? São defensivos em relação às suas crenças sobre os grupos de pessoas com os quais têm preconceitos? Rejeitam a discussão sobre este tema?

• Does your partner consider some people to be below them, such as people in the service industry? Are they rude to those people? Do they act entitled to be treated a certain way by anyone?

• Does your partner call their exes crazy or only speaks ill of them?

*

Using this checklist to think about whether you’re noticed red flags in your partner’s behavior and your relationship will already make quite a list of pros and cons of being in a relationship with your partner.

If they’re not showing any red flags that can’t be solved, your relationship can be healthy and successful. É altura de passar ao nível seguinte.

2. Examine os seus valores

Now you’re ready to take a look at how well your relationship can work by examining your values. Initially, certain things might not seem important, but the more serious a relationship gets, your values become more relevant.

The challenge of mismatched values is that it’s almost impossible to reach a compromise. Se o seu parceiro não partilha estes valores consigo, estes tornam-se factores de rutura numa relação.

Aqui estão os core values it’s necessary to agree on se quisermos ter uma relação bem sucedida com alguém.

• Religious beliefs

For some people, religion is important; for others, it doesn’t matter at all. In a relationship, it isn’t necessary for your religious beliefs to be the same, but it’s important that they don’t clash.

If you want to be with someone who’ll accompany you to church every Sunday and your partner is an atheist, you might have problems down the road.

• Political views

Pessoas com opiniões políticas diferentes podem, teoricamente, ter uma relação, mas as hipóteses de resultar são reduzidas. Os seus valores políticos reflectem as suas crenças fundamentais sobre o mundo. Duas pessoas que olham para algo que lhes interessa de formas completamente diferentes nunca conseguirão chegar a acordo sobre essas questões.

Even your best friend probably shares your political views, so a partner who doesn’t probably isn’t for you.

• Life stage

Is your partner still living like they’re in high school or college while you’re ready to have a family? If your life stages don’t match, you need to discuss this and come to an agreement before your relationship can progress.

Para que uma relação funcione, ambos os parceiros têm de estar no mesmo sítio e querer a mesma coisa. If one partner puts off their own goals because the other person isn’t ready, it can lead to resentment and, eventually, heartbreak.

• Career pathways

A sua relação tem um impacto significativo na sua carreira. Quer que o seu parceiro apoie as suas ambições, partilhe os seus objectivos e sonhos e o inspire a trabalhar na sua realização pessoal. If this is lacking in your relationship, you’ll have less motivation and feel discouraged, resulting in dissatisfaction and unhappiness with your path in life.

• Gender roles

Quando um casal numa relação heterossexual tem opiniões diferentes sobre os papéis dos géneros, isso pode causar problemas em todos os aspectos da sua relação. Some men and women feel that they have to act a certain way because of society’s expectations, while others completely reject these beliefs.

Se um dos parceiros acredita firmemente nos estereótipos de género, enquanto o outro os ignora, será quase impossível encontrar uma forma de funcionar.

• Loyalty

From the first date, you and your partner define what your relationship means to each of you and as well as what it means to be loyal. Some people don’t consider monogamy necessary for a loyal and loving relationship, while others believe that this is the basis of loyalty. 

Definição o que significa ser leal para ambos and that you’re on the same page is essential for a happy relationship.

• Sexual expectations

If a couple is unhappy with their sex life, a relationship doesn’t have much chance of survival. Necessidades e expectativas sexuais diferentes podem afastar um casal.

Open and honest communication about sex is crucial if you want to work on this, but sometimes talking about it isn’t enough. A partner who’s unhappy if they don’t ter relações sexuais todos os dias can compromise with their partner who doesn’t like sex very much at all, but they’ll both grow miserable eventually.

• Family

Both your extended family and the family you create together play an important role in your relationship. Early on in a relationship, while you’re exploring new feelings and living new experiences, this topic doesn’t seem important, but in a long-term relationship it’s crucial.

You need to agree on your life together and how it will involve each other’s families and whether or not you want to have childrene, se o fizerem, quando e quantos. Estas questões podem fazer ou desfazer uma relação.

• Parenting

As parents, you’ll have to work towards the same goal of raising your children to be happy and kind. Parents must back each other up, but if they don’t agree on how to raise their children, it becomes impossible. Parents who disagree on their parenting styles don’t only hurt each other and their relationship, but their children as well.

• Financial beliefs

When you’re in love, talking about money is the least romantic thing imaginable. But for a successful relationship, it’s something you need to discuss and agree on. 

Income, debt, shared or separate accounts, spending, saving, budgeting – none of these issues are romantic, but if you disagree on them, they can cause a lot of problems in your relationship.

*

Sit down with your partner and talk about these things. You might be able to reach a solution for some discrepancies in values, but you don’t want to reach a point where you’re ready for kids, and your partner tells you they don’t want any.

3. Avaliar o seu esforço

If there are no insurmountable red flags and your values match, there’s another important matter to consider: o seu esforço e vontade de trabalhar na vossa relação.

Esta é a chave para uma relação bem sucedida. Quando ambos os parceiros se dedicam a fazer com que as coisas funcionem, as coisas vão funcionar. No momento em que um dos dois desiste, a vossa relação começa a deteriorar-se.

Aqui estão alguns signs that you’re making an effort e estão dispostos a cultivar a vossa relação:

• You regularly talk to each other about everything from your day to your dreams and hopes.

• When you have a problem, you talk it through without letting anger take over.

• You show each other respect.

• You support each other’s goals.

• You don’t hold resentments.

• You make time for each other

• You do something nice or special for each other regularly.

• You communicate regularly and with the desire to understand.

• You can be vulnerable with each other without fear.

• You like each other’s company and have fun together.

• You’re both willing to work on your personal issues to improve your relationship.

• You compliment each other and show appreciation.

• You forgive each other easily.

• You support and motivate each other.

• You can rely on each other.

4. Explore o que gosta no seu parceiro

A sua lista deve também incluir as coisas que considera cativantes ou irritantes no seu parceiro. Estes são the things that give your relationship that special something even though they don’t play a huge role in how your relationship functions.

For example, maybe you love the fact that you and your partner share lots of common interests and that they’re cute when they smile, but you dislike their snoring. 

These aren’t good or bad things when you look at the big picture, but they’re important because they bring joy to your everyday life.

5. Avaliação emocional

Finalmente, ouvir o seu instinto. A intuição é uma ferramenta importante na tomada de decisões por uma boa razão. Sometimes we already know things that we don’t want to admit to ourselves. A intuição é o resultado do processamento subconsciente de tudo o que sentimos, sentimos e sabemos, pelo que raramente nos orienta de forma errada.

Sometimes things work even though they don’t seem they would, and relationships that would be perfect on paper fail. Ouça os seus sentimentos para obter um contributo adicional. 

Just make sure that you don’t ignore the real issues because of wishful thinking.

Exemplo de uma lista de prós e contras de uma relação

Here’s an example of what a relationship pros and cons list would look like if you created it using the method outlined in this article. Should this imaginary couple break up or work on their relationship?

PRÓS:

• You trust your partner because they’ve proven their loyalty numerous times.

• You’re sexually compatible and enjoy your sex life.

• You both want to have children in five years and your life plans are compatible.

• They’re supportive and understanding.

• They’re kind and gentle and never raise their voice.

• You like their vibe, their dressing style and their taste which make them particularly interesting to you.

• They’re thoughtful and do little things for you that make you feel cherished.

CONS:

• They have anxiety issues that they don’t want to work on.

• They have trouble voicing their feelings because of shyness and anxiety and you feel like they don’t rely on you.

• You don’t get along with their family which has been hostile to you from the start.

Resumir

Para fazer uma lista de prós e contras de uma relação, comece por analisar cuidadosamente quaisquer possíveis sinais de alerta no seu parceiro ou na sua relação. Estas são as coisas que garantem a infelicidade ou o fracasso de uma relação, a menos que se tenha o cuidado de as trabalhar.

Next, think about whether or not your values match – are the same things important to you and do you want the same things. If you don’t, it will be difficult to find a compromise without resentment on one or both sides.

Effort is a crucial part of relationships, and the real challenge starts only after “happily ever after.” If you and your partner are both happy to work on your relationship, it will be successful. And don’t forget to include your gut feelings for your relationship and your partner because it can reveal the things other methods can’t.

RELACIONADO: Sente-se inseguro em relação ao casamento? 7 prós e contras para descobrir