Lamento se a minha ansiedade me torna difícil de amar

Achas que eu não quero ser normal? Achas que causo toda a confusão por que passamos porque é assim que eu gosto?

You think I’m one of those who likes to confuse people and send mixed signals? None of that is true.

Eu mataria para ser normal. Mas ter uma confusão na minha vida é a única forma que conheço de viver.

I don’t want to send mixed signals but half of my life I have no idea what I want because I’m sure that no matter what I choose in life, my dear friend anxiety will force me to change my decision.

I also don’t like it but unlike you, I don’t really have a choice, I have to live with it.

I’d also like to wake up with a smile on my face, eager to embrace everything that the day has to offer me.

Mas, infelizmente, acordo com um nó apertado no estômago, preocupado com tudo o que pode correr mal nesse dia. E todos os dias começam da mesma maneira.

Sei que a minha ansiedade faz com que seja difícil para ti amar-me, mas também faz com que seja difícil para mim viver.

You say it’s all in my head and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. You think I haven’t already? You think I don’t know this?

But you have no idea how it feels to have a restless army of thoughts in my head that won’t go away.

Nothing I do works, anxiety has occupied my mind and it isn’t leaving.

Não faz ideia de como é difícil concentrar-me no que alguém está a dizer enquanto a minha ansiedade e as minhas inseguranças estão a atacar cada célula do meu corpo.

Por exemplo, no outro dia estavas a tentar fazer planos para mim e para os teus amigos e eu entrei imediatamente em pânico.

I panicked about the idea of being surrounded by your friends, that’s how irrational my anxiety is.

Provavelmente, o senhor deputado continuou a explicar todo o plano em pormenor, mas no momento em que iniciou o tópico não consegui ouvir mais nada.

Tu falaste e eu fiquei sobrecarregado. Entrei em pânico. Assustei-me. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid?

E se eu me envergonhar ou se o envergonhar a si?

E se me perguntarem algo pessoal e eu corar ou começar a balbuciar?

What if I get awkward, what if they think I’m not good enough and that you should get someone who’s normal and doesn’t carry so much baggage?

See, it was a simple, mundane task and I ruined that too. My anxiety ruined it actually but it’s the same thing.

O que parecia ser uma coisa normal para ti acabou por se tornar no meu pesadelo.

It brought all my demons to the surface and once again I forgot that you don’t care what others think of me.

I forgot that you love me whether your friends accept me or not. I forgot I promised I’d never think badly about myself. I forgot it all.

Sei que te fiz sentir como se tivesses de andar em bicos de pés à minha volta. Sei que vos confundo tanto quanto me confundo a mim. Sei que, por vezes, vos deixo sem palavras e atónitos.

I know you don’t understand. And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I can’t explain myself, I’m sorry I have irrational fears, I’m sorry my palms get sweaty when we meet someone you know on the street and that I’m unable to speak at all.

Eu sei que seria muito mais divertido apaixonar-me por uma rapariga com um espírito inquieto do que estar apaixonado por uma rapariga paranoica e ansiosa.

I know it would be much easier to be with a girl who is fearless but you chose me the way I am and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

I understand it’s hard and even though I don’t want you to leave me, I’d understand if one day you foi-se embora.

I always fear this love will become a burden to you but I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to put up with me anymore.

Hell, it’s hard for me, who should’ve learned to live with it by now, so I can’t even begin to guess how it feels for you.

I’m sorry if it takes me so long to respond to your messages, if you wait too long for me to make a decision, I’m sorry for making plans I usually don’t follow through on, I’m sorry for always being late, for thinking too much before I speak, I’m sorry for making you doubt yourself because of my own insecurities.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can’t. I can only love you and hope it will be enough.

I know it’s hard. I know I’m a mess. I know what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry. But know that you’re the only thing in this world who makes me try so hard.

You’re the only reason I manage to fight my anxiety and you’re the only one who motivates me to get out of my comfort zone and do the things I know I wouldn’t be able to do alone.

I’m sorry for being hard to love but I’m grateful for having someone like you to be there for me even when I don’t deserve it.

Thank you for staying and being there for me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for choosing me even if you can have a million others. Thank you for loving me together with my flaws.

Thank you for loving me even when it’s hard. Because of you, I’m a little less scared to live.