Lo siento si mi ansiedad hace que sea difícil quererme

¿Crees que no querría ser normal? ¿Crees que causo todos los líos que pasamos porque así me gusta?

You think I’m one of those who likes to confuse people and send mixed signals? None of that is true.

Mataría por ser normal. Pero tener un desastre en mi vida es la única forma que conozco de vivir.

I don’t want to send mixed signals but half of my life I have no idea what I want because I’m sure that no matter what I choose in life, my dear friend anxiety will force me to change my decision.

I also don’t like it but unlike you, I don’t really have a choice, I have to live with it.

I’d also like to wake up with a smile on my face, eager to embrace everything that the day has to offer me.

Pero, por desgracia, me despierto con un nudo apretado en el estómago, muy preocupada por todo lo que pueda salir mal ese día. Y cada día empieza igual.

Sé que mi ansiedad hace que te cueste quererme, pero también hace que me cueste vivir.

You say it’s all in my head and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. You think I haven’t already? You think I don’t know this?

But you have no idea how it feels to have a restless army of thoughts in my head that won’t go away.

Nothing I do works, anxiety has occupied my mind and it isn’t leaving.

No tienes ni idea de lo difícil que es concentrarse en lo que alguien está diciendo mientras mi ansiedad y mis inseguridades atacan cada célula de mi cuerpo.

Por ejemplo, el otro día intentabas hacer planes para que tus amigos y yo estuviéramos juntos y al instante me entró el pánico.

I panicked about the idea of being surrounded by your friends, that’s how irrational my anxiety is.

Seguramente te extendiste y explicaste todo el plan en detalle, pero en el momento en que iniciaste el tema fui incapaz de escuchar nada más.

Hablaste y me agobié. Entré en pánico. Me asusté. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid?

¿Y si me avergüenzo a mí mismo o si te avergüenzo a ti?

¿Y si me preguntan algo personal y me ruborizo o empiezo a murmurar?

What if I get awkward, what if they think I’m not good enough and that you should get someone who’s normal and doesn’t carry so much baggage?

See, it was a simple, mundane task and I ruined that too. My anxiety ruined it actually but it’s the same thing.

Lo que a ti te parecía algo normal resultó ser mi pesadilla.

It brought all my demons to the surface and once again I forgot that you don’t care what others think of me.

I forgot that you love me whether your friends accept me or not. I forgot I promised I’d never think badly about myself. I forgot it all.

Sé que te hice sentir como si necesitaras andar de puntillas a mi alrededor. Sé que te confundo tanto como me confundo yo. Sé que a veces te dejo sin palabras y atónito.

I know you don’t understand. And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I can’t explain myself, I’m sorry I have irrational fears, I’m sorry my palms get sweaty when we meet someone you know on the street and that I’m unable to speak at all.

Sé que sería mucho más divertido enamorarse de una chica con un espíritu inquieto que estar enamorado de una chica paranoica y ansiosa.

I know it would be much easier to be with a girl who is fearless but you chose me the way I am and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

I understand it’s hard and even though I don’t want you to leave me, I’d understand if one day you se marchó.

I always fear this love will become a burden to you but I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to put up with me anymore.

Hell, it’s hard for me, who should’ve learned to live with it by now, so I can’t even begin to guess how it feels for you.

I’m sorry if it takes me so long to respond to your messages, if you wait too long for me to make a decision, I’m sorry for making plans I usually don’t follow through on, I’m sorry for always being late, for thinking too much before I speak, I’m sorry for making you doubt yourself because of my own insecurities.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can’t. I can only love you and hope it will be enough.

I know it’s hard. I know I’m a mess. I know what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry. But know that you’re the only thing in this world who makes me try so hard.

You’re the only reason I manage to fight my anxiety and you’re the only one who motivates me to get out of my comfort zone and do the things I know I wouldn’t be able to do alone.

I’m sorry for being hard to love but I’m grateful for having someone like you to be there for me even when I don’t deserve it.

Thank you for staying and being there for me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for choosing me even if you can have a million others. Thank you for loving me together with my flaws.

Thank you for loving me even when it’s hard. Because of you, I’m a little less scared to live.