Recuso-me a continuar a fingir que estou bem porque estou a desmoronar

Cada dia é uma luta, uma luta constante que nunca acaba. De alguma forma, consigo ultrapassá-lo e depois acordo de manhã deprimido e destroçado porque tenho de fazer tudo de novo.

Está a ficar cada vez pior a cada minuto que passa. A nível emocional, I’m a wreck and it looks like I won’t get better any time soon.

I really don’t know how much more pain I can take. Every day I think that was it, I’ve reached my breaking point, but the next day surprises me and I sink even lower.

Sinto ainda mais dores que pensava serem impossíveis de sentir.

I’ve been hurt before and I’ve made it, I’ve healed… but it was never like this before. This time it goes on and on. It doesn’t stop.

It’s like I’ve been knocked down to the ground and as I’m about to get up, something kicks me even harder and I fall again. Only, every next time, it takes so much more strength for me to try and get up again.

I’ve never been so stressed. I’ve never been this anxious. I’m afraid to leave the house.

I’m afraid to talk to people. I’m afraid to show my face in public because if I do I will only feel even more pain, the pain that refuses to go away.

I knew how to handle my problems in the past. I was hurting but I didn’t want anyone to know that. I was so good at concealing it.

I would make jokes about it, I would laugh, but that didn’t mean I was fine. My face was smiling but my eyes cried heavy tears.

The thing is, no one saw it, which was fine because I didn’t need anyone’s support. I could have handled it.

But now, it’s different. I’ve lost all my energy, I’ve lost strength and the will to keep fighting for the future. The only thing I didn’t lose is hope.

Embora a vida me tenha batido na cara e me tenha atirado para o chão imundo, continuo a acreditar que há um futuro melhor à minha espera.

I still believe that I will overcome this even though the pain seems like it’s never-ending.

Things are not fine today but although I know they aren’t going to be fine tomorrow either, I can hope that the next morning, the room I wake up in is going to shine brighter and the curtains on my window are going to be bright green and not gray and dull. I can only hope.

A esperança é o que me mantém a respirar.

Sabem o que está a acontecer agora. Agora as pessoas estão a começar a notar que I’m not fine.

Esforço-me, como fiz antes, mas desta vez estou a demorar tanto tempo a melhorar que o meu comportamento chama a atenção.

I can’t just stop the world from turning. I have to go to work, I have to stay in touch with my friends, and I just can’t cut myself off from it.

E quando passo tanto tempo ao ar livre, quebrado com esta quantidade, as pessoas têm de começar a reparar, por mais que eu tente esconder.

Os meus amigos estão a tentar ajudar-me e eu aceitei a sua ajuda, mas nada mudou.

They comfort me with their kind words and I feel better but after seeing them, I return home to my colorless world, all alone, and I’m not fine. I’m falling apart and no one can help me.

I can’t expect for them to be there for me every minute of the day. It would be selfish of me to expect them to jump every time I have an anxiety attack or when I feel like my world has collapsed on top of me.

I will suffocate them with my problems and it’s only a matter of time when they will get sick of hearing how I’m falling apart.

I can’t help it. I don’t have a button to push for when I decide I’m going to be fine. I wish I did. Then life wouldn’t be so fucking hard.

I’m not okay but sometimes some days are less horrible than others. Sometimes, my pillow is not soaking wet with my tears.

Por vezes, o meu quarto fica mais luminoso só por um segundo.

I’m not okay because life has destroyed me. I’m not okay because everything sucks. I’m not okay because I forgot how to smile.