Uma carta para a rapariga que quase parti

I know I am probably the last person you want or expect to hear from. And I know you don’t want anything to do with me and I assume that writing to you is another one of my selfish acts but I just can’t help it.

I am sorry to reopen your wounds and to remind you of everything you’ve been through. I am sorry that even now I can’t be a better man and just let you be because the truth is that I am not writing this to you to make you feel better—I am writing this for myself. Because I hope it will help me with my conscience and to make myself feel better.

Yep, I am obviously still the same selfish asshole I’ve always been. But at least I’ve grown enough to realize it, to accept it and to admit it.

But that doesn’t make any of it better, does it? It doesn’t make me a better person or a bigger man in your eyes, does it?

I am not writing this to you to get you back, although sometimes I secretly hope that will happen. But I am very well aware that I’ve lost all my chances with you and that something like that is far from possible.

Escrevo-o porque quero, pelo menos, tentar dar-vos uma explicação de tudo o que se passou. Não porque espere que me compreendam, mas para me explicar e tentar compreender-me.

I am writing this because I want you to know that I am finally taking all the responsibility for everything I’ve done to you and to us and because I want you to see that I finally realized everything.

I’ve realized I was an psicopata emocional who ruined the only good thing I had in life—our relationship.

Que eu era um idiota que te afugentava com a minha toxicidade e inseguranças.

Que eu era má para ti e que fizeste a escolha certa quando finalmente desististe da luta e quando finalmente desististe de mim.

Porque te salvaste a ti próprio.

Sim, também tentaste salvar-me mas, passados muitos anos, viste que isso era impossível. Viste que eu continuaria a ser a mesma pessoa negativa e destrutiva que sempre fui. Viste que eu só te estava a arrastar para baixo comigo e que não havia mais nada que pudesses fazer para me salvar.

Porque a verdade é que I didn’t want to be saved. E nunca permiti que me ajudasses a curar.

Viste que era eu que te estava a mudar. That I’d entered your mind and played with it. That I tried to convince you that you were overreacting and exaggerating, that I tried to make you lose your mind.

Que te manipulei em thinking you weren’t good enough and that you weren’t worthy of anyone’s love. Because that was the only way to fight my own insecurities. Because I was convinced I would regain my confidence if I destroyed yours.

Que tentei fazer-te sentir culpado pelos meus erros e que eu tentei colocar toda a culpa em ti. Que tentei justificar todos os meus passos errados, tornando-os culpa tua.

Que eu matei a rapariga que costumavas ser. Que eu te transformei numa rapariga amarga e negativa com problemas de confiança.

Que matei a rapariga inocente e sensível que conheci e que a transformei numa mulher emocionalmente danificada com problemas de confiança.

Viste que eu estava a tentar tanto quebrar-te.

Mas, felizmente para ti, foste mais forte do que isso.

Sim, parti o teu coração. Sim, deixei cicatrizes na tua alma. E sim, magoei-te. Mas nunca te parti completamente.

And that was your biggest success. You’ve proved to us both that you were stronger than all of my evil and of everything I was doing to you.

Sei que pensas que nunca te amei. Mas a verdade é que amei. Amei-te de uma forma retorcida, doentia e psicopática e agora sei que não é assim que devo amar ninguém.

Porque as coisas que te fiz foram tudo menos amor saudável.

I know that this was not the love you deserved and that is why I’m glad you sobered up on time and you found the strength to walk away from me before it got too late.