Carta a la chica que casi rompo

I know I am probably the last person you want or expect to hear from. And I know you don’t want anything to do with me and I assume that writing to you is another one of my selfish acts but I just can’t help it.

I am sorry to reopen your wounds and to remind you of everything you’ve been through. I am sorry that even now I can’t be a better man and just let you be because the truth is that I am not writing this to you to make you feel better—I am writing this for myself. Because I hope it will help me with my conscience and to make myself feel better.

Yep, I am obviously still the same selfish asshole I’ve always been. But at least I’ve grown enough to realize it, to accept it and to admit it.

But that doesn’t make any of it better, does it? It doesn’t make me a better person or a bigger man in your eyes, does it?

I am not writing this to you to get you back, although sometimes I secretly hope that will happen. But I am very well aware that I’ve lost all my chances with you and that something like that is far from possible.

Lo escribo porque quiero al menos intentar darte una explicación de todo lo que pasó. No porque espere que me entiendas, sino para explicarme e intentar entenderme.

I am writing this because I want you to know that I am finally taking all the responsibility for everything I’ve done to you and to us and because I want you to see that I finally realized everything.

I’ve realized I was an psicópata emocional who ruined the only good thing I had in life—our relationship.

Que fui un gilipollas que te ahuyentó con mi toxicidad e inseguridades.

Que era malo para ti y que tomaste la decisión correcta cuando finalmente abandonaste la lucha y cuando finalmente te rendiste conmigo.

Porque te salvaste.

Sí, tú también intentaste salvarme, pero después de muchos años, viste que eso era imposible. Viste que siempre seguiría siendo la misma persona negativa y destructiva de siempre. Viste que sólo te arrastraba conmigo y que no te quedaba nada por hacer para salvarme.

Porque la verdad es I didn’t want to be saved. Y nunca te permití que me ayudaras a sanar.

Viste que era yo quien te cambiaba. That I’d entered your mind and played with it. That I tried to convince you that you were overreacting and exaggerating, that I tried to make you lose your mind.

Que te manipulé en thinking you weren’t good enough and that you weren’t worthy of anyone’s love. Because that was the only way to fight my own insecurities. Because I was convinced I would regain my confidence if I destroyed yours.

Que intenté hacerte sentir culpable por mis errores y que intenté echarte toda la culpa a ti. Que intenté justificar todos mis errores, haciéndolos culpa tuya.

Que maté a la chica que solías ser. Que te convertí en una chica amargada y negativa con problemas de confianza.

Que maté a la chica inocente y sensible que conocí y que te convertí en una mujer emocionalmente dañada con problemas de confianza.

Viste que me esforzaba por quebrarte.

Pero por suerte para ti, eras más fuerte que eso.

Sí, te rompí el corazón. Sí, dejé cicatrices en tu alma. Y sí, te dañé. Pero nunca te rompí por completo.

And that was your biggest success. You’ve proved to us both that you were stronger than all of my evil and of everything I was doing to you.

Sé que piensas que nunca te quise. Pero la verdad es que lo hice. Te quería de una forma retorcida, enferma y psicópata y ahora sé que no es así como debería querer a nadie.

Porque las cosas que te hice fueron cualquier cosa menos amor sano.

I know that this was not the love you deserved and that is why I’m glad you sobered up on time and you found the strength to walk away from me before it got too late.