We’re taught to “be understanding,” “give people the benefit of the doubt,” and “keep the peace.”
But some of the behaviors we normalize in relationships—romantic, familial, even professional—aren’t love, or conflict, or miscommunication.
They’re narcissistic abuse, dressed up as “just the way they are.”
Here are 33 disturbing behaviors we’ve been conditioned to overlook, but that actually signal deep emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and control—according to trauma-informed therapists and survivors alike.
1. They constantly shift blame—even when they’re clearly at fault
They’re never the problem. You’re always at the center of their fault-finding mission, unfairly accused and left feeling guilty. Each argument becomes a performance where they play the victim, casting you as the villain. Despite clear evidence, they twist the narrative to paint themselves as the misunderstood hero.
This relentless blame game chips away at your self-worth, leaving you burdened with guilt that isn’t yours to hold. This manipulation is aimed at keeping you off-balance and questioning your reality. It’s a classic control tactic to keep you doubting your perceptions and defending your innocence instead of addressing the real issues.
2. They rewrite history to serve their version of events
You start doubting what really happened. Memories you once held dear are altered to fit their narrative, leaving you confused and questioning your own mind. They dismiss your recollections, convincing you that your version of events is flawed. Gaslighting you into submission, you begin to second-guess yourself.
Their skillful rewriting of history serves to maintain control, ensuring you rely on them for the ‘truth’. This manipulation distorts your reality, making you feel unstable and dependent. It’s a power play designed to keep you off-kilter and under their thumb.
3. They minimize your pain and turn it into a joke or eye roll
Your hurt becomes ‘drama’ or ‘overreacting.’ When you express feelings, they dismiss them with a smirk or a belittling comment. Your pain, genuine and raw, becomes fodder for their amusement, reducing your experiences to mere jokes. This behavior trivializes your emotions, making you feel small and unimportant.
It’s a tactic to undermine your confidence and dismiss your needs as frivolous. By turning your vulnerability into a punchline, they maintain superiority, ensuring you never feel validated or heard. This constant belittlement erodes your self-esteem over time.
4. They weaponize your vulnerability against you
What you once shared in love is now used to shame or control you. Your most intimate confessions become ammunition in their arsenal, wielded against you in moments of conflict. This betrayal of trust cuts deeply, turning your openness into a liability.
They exploit your honesty to manipulate your actions, keeping you in a state of fear and submission. This emotional betrayal not only damages your trust in them but also in yourself, as you question your judgment in sharing. It’s a calculated move to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered.
5. They invalidate your feelings every time you express them
“You’re too sensitive.” “You always take things the wrong way.” These dismissals are designed to make you question your emotional responses, leaving you feeling oversensitive and wrong. Every time you express how you feel, they brush it off as exaggeration or misinterpretation.
This constant invalidation erodes your confidence, making you wary of speaking up. Over time, you start to doubt your own emotions, fearing judgment and ridicule. It’s a control tactic aimed at silencing you and keeping their narrative unchallenged, reinforcing their dominance in the relationship.
6. They accuse you of things they’re secretly doing
Cheating, lying, manipulating—they project it onto you. Accusations fly fast, but behind the scenes, they’re guilty of the very behaviors they condemn. This projection is a smokescreen, designed to divert attention from their actions and keep you on the defensive.
By making you the target, they create confusion and chaos, ensuring you’re too focused on defending yourself to notice their misdeeds. This tactic not only deflects blame but also keeps you trapped in a cycle of doubt and mistrust, eroding the foundation of the relationship.
7. They twist your words so they never have to take accountability
You’re left confused, apologizing, and off-balance. Every word you say is dissected, distorted, and used against you. It’s a tactic to avoid responsibility and keep you perpetually questioning your reality. By twisting your statements, they deflect accountability and place the burden back on you.
This manipulation leaves you doubting your communication skills and feeling guilty for misunderstandings that aren’t your fault. It’s a calculated move to maintain control, ensuring you’re too busy apologizing to hold them accountable for their actions.
8. They create chaos, then blame you for the aftermath
You feel like you’re “the crazy one,” but you’re just reacting to the storm they started. Chaos is their playground, creating turmoil to unsettle you. Once the dust settles, the blame lands squarely on your shoulders, painting you as the irrational one. It’s a masterful manipulation that keeps you questioning your own sanity.
By stirring the pot and then stepping back, they position themselves as the calm amidst your supposed storm. This tactic undermines your confidence, leaving you feeling responsible for situations they engineered.
9. They isolate you from friends, family, or people who make you feel strong
They hate competition for your time, trust, or love. Slowly, they chip away at your support network, ensuring you’re reliant solely on them. Isolation becomes their tool for control, cutting you off from those who empower you.
They might frame it as jealousy or concern, but the end goal is the same: to leave you without a safety net. By isolating you, they ensure their influence is unchallenged, making it harder for you to break free. This strategy not only weakens your support but also distorts your perception of normalcy.
10. They make subtle jabs about your appearance, intelligence, or worth
It’s “just teasing”—until your confidence crumbles. What starts as harmless jokes soon becomes a barrage of subtle put-downs targeting your insecurities. These jabs chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you questioning your worth.
By attacking your appearance, intelligence, or value, they maintain control, ensuring you feel grateful for their presence. This behavior is designed to keep you dependent on their approval, undermining your confidence to seek validation elsewhere. Over time, these ‘jokes’ become a tool of domination, eroding your self-worth.
11. They guilt you for having needs or boundaries
Suddenly you’re the selfish one for wanting basic respect. Expressing needs or setting boundaries becomes a minefield, met with accusations of selfishness. This manipulation reframes your reasonable requests as acts of defiance, painting you as the villain in their narrative.
By guilting you, they aim to dismantle your self-assurance, making it easier to control you. This tactic ensures you prioritize their needs over your own, sacrificing your wellbeing for peace. Over time, this dynamic erodes your sense of self, leaving you questioning your right to self-care.
12. They monitor your phone, social media, or whereabouts
But call it “love” or “just caring.” Under the guise of concern, they invade your privacy, scrutinizing every message, call, or post. This surveillance masquerades as devotion, but it’s a tool of control. By monitoring your movements and communications, they ensure their influence is pervasive.
This constant watchfulness keeps you on edge, wary of stepping outside their boundaries. It’s a manipulation that erodes your sense of independence and autonomy, making you feel trapped under their gaze. Despite their claims, it’s control, not care, that motivates their actions.
13. They sabotage your goals and independence
Your success threatens their control. Any step towards independence is met with obstacles they carefully place in your path. Be it undermining your achievements or dismissing your aspirations, their actions are a calculated attempt to keep you reliant on them.
By sabotaging your goals, they ensure you never realize your full potential, trapping you in a cycle of dependence. This tactic serves to maintain their dominance, ensuring you never gather the strength to break free. It’s a subtle yet powerful manipulation aimed at keeping you tethered and subdued.
14. They punish you with silence
Affection becomes a weapon. You’re starved emotionally unless you “behave.” This silent treatment is a powerful tool in their arsenal, wielded to manipulate and control your behavior. By withdrawing affection and communication, they ensure you’re constantly striving to earn back their approval.
This leaves you feeling isolated and desperate, willing to comply to end the silence. It’s a form of emotional neglect that keeps you walking on eggshells, fearing the loss of their attention. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-worth, trapping you in a cycle of dependency.
15. They explode at small things—then act like you made it worse
You spend more time avoiding triggers than living freely. Small issues become battlegrounds, with their explosive reactions leaving you reeling. Yet, somehow, the blame lands on you, accused of overreacting or provoking the outburst. This manipulation keeps you constantly on edge, prioritizing their peace over your own needs.
By creating a climate of fear, they ensure you’re walking on eggshells, too focused on avoiding conflict to question their behavior. It’s a tactic designed to maintain control by keeping you in a perpetual state of anxiety and self-doubt.
16. They love-bomb you early—then quickly withdraw affection
Fast attachment. Fast confusion. Emotional whiplash. At first, it’s an intoxicating rush of affection, leaving you breathless and infatuated. But as quickly as it begins, the warmth fades, replaced by cold indifference. This cycle of intense love followed by sudden withdrawal keeps you off-balance, desperate to regain the connection.
By love-bombing and then pulling back, they ensure you’re constantly striving for their approval. It’s a manipulation that leaves you questioning your worth, trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment. This tactic is designed to maintain control, ensuring you’re emotionally reliant on them.
17. They flip from charming to cruel without warning
And you start tiptoeing through every interaction. One moment, they’re the epitome of charm, showering you with attention and compliments. The next, a biting comment or icy silence cuts through the warmth. This unpredictable shift keeps you on edge, constantly adjusting your behavior to suit their mood.
By keeping you guessing, they maintain control, ensuring you’re too focused on pleasing them to challenge their actions. This manipulation erodes your confidence, leaving you questioning your worth and stability. It’s a tactic that keeps you emotionally tethered, unsure of where you stand.
18. They keep score in the relationship
Every mistake you make is logged. Their own? Forgotten. This scorekeeping turns the relationship into a competition, ensuring you’re always striving to make up for past errors. By constantly reminding you of your faults, they maintain the upper hand, keeping you in a state of guilt and obligation.
This manipulation ensures you’re too busy making amends to address their shortcomings. It’s a tactic designed to maintain dominance, keeping you focused on self-improvement rather than questioning the relationship’s inequality. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-esteem, trapping you in a cycle of self-doubt.
19. They create “tests” to make you prove your love
You’re always trying to earn something that should be given freely. Endless hoops to jump through, designed to prove your devotion. These tests are arbitrary, shifting with their whims, ensuring you’re never quite enough. By setting impossible standards, they maintain control, keeping you constantly striving for approval.
This is a tactic designed to keep you off-balance, questioning your worth and commitment, ensuring your focus remains on appeasing them rather than addressing the relationship’s imbalance. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of insecurity and dependence.
20. They compare you to others to make you feel replaceable
Exes. Friends. Strangers. It’s all meant to make you feel less. Each comparison chips away at your self-esteem, leaving you questioning your worth and uniqueness. By holding others up as the gold standard, they ensure you’re constantly striving to meet impossible expectations.
This manipulation keeps you in a state of insecurity, desperate to prove your value. It’s a tactic designed to maintain control, ensuring you’re too focused on self-improvement to challenge their behavior. Over time, this dynamic erodes your confidence, trapping you in a cycle of self-doubt and comparison.
21. They constantly criticize your tone, timing, or delivery—so they don’t have to address your point
You’re silenced by being picked apart. Every attempt to communicate is met with criticism, leaving you feeling inadequate and misunderstood. By focusing on your delivery rather than your message, they avoid addressing the real issues, maintaining control of the conversation.
This manipulation erodes your confidence, making you wary of speaking up and asserting your needs. It’s a tactic designed to silence you, ensuring their narrative remains unchallenged. Over time, this dynamic undermines your self-assurance, trapping you in a cycle of self-censorship and submission.
22. They play victim when you try to hold them accountable
Suddenly you’re the one hurting them. Every attempt to address their behavior is met with tears or accusations, turning the tables on you. This manipulation deflects accountability, ensuring their actions remain unchallenged. By playing the victim, they maintain control, keeping you on the defensive.
This tactic erodes your confidence, making you question your perceptions and judgment. It’s a calculated move to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt.
23. They accuse you of being “too emotional” to avoid real conversations
Your clarity is dismissed as ‘hysteria.’ Every attempt to express genuine concerns is met with accusations of overreacting, deflecting the need for real conversation. This manipulation undermines your confidence, making you question your emotional responses.
By dismissing your clarity and insight, they maintain control, ensuring the focus remains on your supposed instability rather than their behavior. It’s a tactic designed to silence you and keep their narrative unchallenged. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-assurance, trapping you in a cycle of self-doubt and frustration.
24. They treat you differently in public than in private
Kind in front of others. Cold or cruel when no one’s watching. This duality keeps you off-balance, questioning your perceptions of reality. In public, they’re the epitome of charm, ensuring their image remains untarnished. Behind closed doors, their true nature emerges, leaving you isolated and confused.
This manipulation maintains control, ensuring you’re too focused on preserving their facade to address the disparity. Over time, this dynamic erodes your confidence, trapping you in a cycle of doubt and insecurity. It’s a tactic designed to keep you emotionally tethered, unsure of where you stand.
25. They make you feel like you’re never “enough”
And you keep trying harder… until you forget who you are. This endless striving for approval leaves you exhausted and questioning your worth. By setting impossible standards, they maintain control, ensuring you’re constantly seeking validation. This manipulation erodes your confidence, leaving you feeling inadequate and unworthy.
It’s a tactic to keep you off-balance, ensuring your focus remains on self-improvement rather than challenging their behavior. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity, making it difficult to break free.
26. They act jealous or possessive and call it “love”
It’s not love. It’s fear-based control. Jealousy masquerades as devotion, but beneath the surface lies a need to dominate and possess. This manipulation keeps you tethered, ensuring their influence is all-encompassing. By framing possessiveness as affection, they maintain control, leaving you questioning your motivations.
It’s there to keep you compliant and emotionally reliant, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic erodes your confidence, trapping you in a cycle of dependence and confusion, making it difficult to recognize the manipulation for what it is.
27. They say things like “no one else would love you like I do”
That’s not devotion. That’s manipulation. By convincing you of your unlovability, they ensure their presence feels like a lifeline. This manipulation undermines your confidence, making you question your worth and ability to be loved. By framing themselves as your only option, they maintain control, leaving you feeling trapped and dependent.
It’s a tactic designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-esteem, trapping you in a cycle of fear and self-doubt, making it difficult to break free.
28. They ignore your “no” and test your limits constantly
Your boundaries don’t matter to them—because control is the goal. By consistently testing your limits, they ensure their influence remains pervasive. This manipulation erodes your confidence, making you question your right to autonomy. By ignoring your ‘no,’ they maintain control, leaving you feeling powerless and dependent.
It’s a tactic to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of submission and self-doubt, making it difficult to assert your needs and break free.
29. They demand immediate access to your time, energy, or attention
Even when you’re exhausted, busy, or needing space. This constant demand erodes your independence, leaving you feeling trapped and drained. By insisting on immediate access, they maintain control, ensuring their needs always come first. This manipulation undermines your confidence, making you question your right to self-care.
It’s designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of exhaustion and dependence, making it difficult to assert your needs and break free.
30. They use your empathy to keep you stuck
“You’re the only one who understands me.” “I need you.” Sound familiar? This manipulation plays on your empathy, ensuring you feel responsible for their wellbeing. By framing themselves as dependent on your support, they maintain control, leaving you feeling trapped and obligated.
This tactic erodes your confidence, making you question your right to prioritize your needs. It’s designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt, making it difficult to break free.
31. They pretend not to understand what hurt you
Confusion becomes a tool to dodge accountability. Every attempt to address your pain is met with feigned ignorance, leaving you questioning your perceptions. This manipulation undermines your confidence, making you question your right to feel hurt. By pretending not to understand, they maintain control, ensuring their actions remain unchallenged.
It’s a tactic designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-assurance, trapping you in a cycle of confusion and doubt, making it difficult to assert your needs.
32. They only show kindness when they want something
Affection is earned. Given as a reward. Withdrawn as punishment. This manipulation keeps you on edge, constantly striving to meet their expectations. By tying kindness to compliance, they maintain control, ensuring their needs always come first.
This erodes your confidence, making you question your right to unconditional care. It’s designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship. Over time, this dynamic traps you in a cycle of dependency and self-doubt, making it difficult to assert your needs and break free.
33. They leave you questioning your reality, your value, and your sanity
You were never “too sensitive”—you were being slowly erased. This manipulation erodes your confidence, making you question your perceptions and worth. By keeping you in a state of doubt, they maintain control, ensuring their narrative remains unchallenged.
This tactic undermines your self-assurance, trapping you in a cycle of confusion and self-doubt. Over time, this dynamic distorts your reality, leaving you feeling isolated and powerless. It’s a tactic designed to keep you compliant and emotionally tethered, ensuring their dominance in the relationship.