6 consejos sobre cómo salir con alguien con problemas de abandono
Lo más probable es que alguien a quien quieres haya sido herido en el pasado. Alguien a quien quieres y a quien quieres ayudar tiene una profunda marca del pasado y la arrastra constantemente, incluso ahora en el presente, y tú quieres ayudar.
You wonder how I know you want to help? If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article now, would you?
Now that we have that covered, let’s talk about the things you need to know in order to understand the state of mind of the person you’re trying to help.
Abandonment issues are not something that’s observed as an illness, but they most definitely are huge problems we too often neglect. We don’t really take them seriously until we enter a relationship with somebody and all the issues start projecting in that relationship.
What many people fail to understand is the fact that abandonment issues aren’t only associated with parental abandonment.
They can also be consequences of parental neglect, the death of someone really close to that person, the pain of loneliness after a best friend has moved away, and most frequently, they’re consequences of being rejected by someone he or she loved.
Son el tipo de cicatrices que llevamos durante mucho tiempo, sin ser conscientes de que tenemos problemas en primer lugar.
We keep rushing through life without taking a minute to see if we’re actually feeling fine and doing what we should be doing.
Al principio, cuando entramos en una relación, tendemos a mirar todo a través de unas gafas de color de rosa.
Somos incapaces de darnos cuenta de nada más que de esas cosas bonitas que una persona hace por nosotros, pero cuando las mariposas que nos revolotean por el estómago acaban por desvanecerse, aparece la realidad.
Después de quitarnos las gafas de color de rosa, los signos de abandono y ansiedad en las relaciones might be displayed clearly, and only then we’re able to notice the behavior of the person that has a fear of abandonment.
Lo más probable es que una persona con problemas de abandono proyecte sus temores a través de celos extremos o un comportamiento pegajoso en una relación romántica.
(S)he will have the tendency to pretend they don’t care about somebody when they, in reality, do.
Also, it’s common for people with abandonment issues to reject their partners before their partner rejects them.
Because of the fear of being abandoned, they choose to abandon first and “save” themselves from another painful, life event.
Otra forma de detectar a la persona con problemas de abandono es observar a la persona que intenta desesperadamente hacer muchos amigos para no estar nunca sola.
La inseguridad extrema y la subestimación constante también serán características fuertes de la persona que teme ser abandonada.
The ultimate sign of one’s abandonment issues are anxiety and depression, and how many people do you know who are struggling with depression and anxiety?
Todas las características de la persona que tiene problemas de abandono son el resultado de un cuidado físico o emocional inadecuado.
En algún momento, las personas que luchaban contra el miedo al abandono se quedaron solas en los momentos en que realmente necesitaban a alguien que les cogiera de la mano mientras atravesaban las tormentas que la vida les enviaba.
Don’t be mistaken—sometimes a person with abandonment issues won’t put his feelings on display.
Puede que sea la persona más ruidosa de la habitación, el mayor maniático de las fiestas o incluso la persona que más se ríe en tu círculo de amigos. Hay que mirar más allá de la máscara para ver a la persona real.
Sabes, podrías irte. Podrías ahorrártelo y marcharte.
Ahórrate todo el esfuerzo y el trabajo que supone entablar una relación con alguien que tiene problemas de abandono.
Podrías terminar antes de que empezara e irte a vivir tu vida. Nadie te lo va a reprochar ni a juzgar.
Lo último que necesita una persona con problemas de abandono es que le dejes justo cuando se acostumbra a tenerte cerca.
But if you’re not a quitter, you really care for the person that has abandonment issues, and you want to make things work between the two of you, you need to know how what it takes to get you two comfortable around each other.
Véase también: 10 señales de que estás saliendo con un hombre roto
El primer paso para ayudar a alguien con problemas de abandono está, en realidad, en reconocer el problema. Si quieres salir con una persona que tiene miedo a que la abandonen, tienes que hacer que se abra a ti. Tiene que contarte lo que realmente ha pasado en su vida para que puedas ver las raíces originales de esos miedos.
El segundo paso in helping somebody with abandonment issues is making that somebody comfortable to talk openly with you. Once the person has shared the story of what happened in his life that made him like that, you’ll be able to talk about it whenever the problem between the two of you pops out.
If he gets too clingy or if the jealousy starts swimming to the surface, you’ll have all the freedom to mention what happened in his past and remind him not to project it on your relationship.
El tercer paso is helping the person with abandonment issues to develop more positive reactions and realistic expectations for his life. If you’re dating somebody with abandonment issues, you must know by now that they tend to see many things negatively and pessimistically. He also tends to set unrealistic expectations in his life, and this is all because he once expected something and it didn’t really go as he planned.
He expected somebody to be there for him. He expected the people closest to him to care, and they didn’t.
Therefore, he got lost. And you’re the only one that cares enough to help him get his life back on track.
El cuarto paso is helping the person with the fear of abandonment to develop the ability to minimize the way fear controls his emotional response to the current relationship. You’ll have to remind him that you’re not the one he needs to be afraid of. You’re not the one that left him, and you’re not the one that’s going to leave.
El quinto paso para ayudar a la persona con problemas de abandono es hacer que se sienta cómoda para comunicar con éxito sus necesidades en una relación íntima. De hecho, ambos tendréis que deciros lo que necesitáis y de la forma adecuada.
This is different from the second step because in the second step, you’re making each other comfortable to talk about your past in the first place, and now you’re getting comfortable to share each other’s needs. For example, he’ll tell you when he is feeling threatened by that guy and that he needs you to stop hanging so much with him, and you’ll be able to tell him that you need him to stop being so clingy in order to gain back your ‘me’ time.
Y el sexto paso in helping your partner overcome his abandonment fears in order for you to have a healthy and functional relationship is building your partner’s confidence. When you date somebody, you get full insights into his insecurities and as you could’ve guessed, a person with abandonment issues has a lot of those.
Véase también: 5 asombrosos consejos sobre cómo salir con un hombre emocionalmente dañado
If your partner has fears of being abandoned, it means his confidence is on a really low level. He won’t be able to build it up alone—he is going to need your help.
Eres tú quien tiene que demostrarle que no tiene nada que temer.
You’re the one that needs to constantly remind him what an amazing and caring person he is and how he needs to trust himself a little bit more.
Once you help him overcome this and build his self-confidence, it’s going to be like you’re dating a reborn version of your partner.
There will be no more projecting his fears. There will be no more fights because he is jealous. You’ll be finally able to breathe in that relationship.
It won’t be easy. It’s going to require a lot of work. It’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be painful, and many times you’ll think about giving up.
Cuando esto ocurra, en lugar de rendirte, intenta recordar por qué decidiste ayudar en primer lugar.
When this happens, think about where you want to be and how far have you come. And don’t give up. Because it’s going to pay off in the end.
Thanks to you, thanks to your care and your devotion, you’re going to get both of you and your relationship to a healthy level where you’ll be able to live your life to the fullest.
You’ll get to the level where nothing will be holding back nor your love or your life. And if this final goal isn’t worth your effort, I don’t know what is.
