Causas, síntomas y tratamiento de la ansiedad en las relaciones de pareja

What if you constantly question your seemingly perfect relationship? What if you’re looking for flaws, and assuming that things will fall apart any second, even though you have no valid reason for those thoughts?

Is it your gut telling you that something is wrong? Or, could it be that you’re suffering from relationship anxiety?

If you’re facing this doubt, you’ve come to the right place. You’re about to get all the info you need, starting with the definition of this condition, proceeding with its symptoms and causes, and finally, ending with the right treatment.

¿Qué es la ansiedad de pareja?

Según la doctora Karla Ivankovich, la ansiedad en las relaciones es “cuando una o ambas personas de la relación pasan más tiempo pensando angustiosamente en la relación que atendiendo a la relación en sí.”

Basically, it’s connected with over-worrying and overthinking your romance. It’s the situation when you question, analyze, and doubt every aspect of your relationship.

¿Qué es el TOC relacional?

Relación trastorno obsesivo-compulsivo is “un subtipo de TOC que se caracteriza por pensamientos intrusivos continuos y comportamientos compulsivos en torno a la incertidumbre de una relación.”

If you’re not an expert on the matter, these two terms sound pretty much the same. Well, they’re not.

En pocas palabras, la diferencia clave está en los pensamientos intrusivos y las reacciones compulsivas que conlleva el R-OCD. Básicamente, una persona con ansiedad en las citas se preocuparán y obsesionarán por algo que les molesta en su relación. Al mismo tiempo, una persona que padezca R-OCD pasará meses o incluso años obsesionada con esa misma cosa.

8 signos de ansiedad en las relaciones

We’re all guilty of allowing the following thought patterns to get the best of us from time to time. But, how can you know if you’re dealing with relationship anxiety or whether these are just temporary doubts?

Well, let’s take trastorno de ansiedad generalizada as a reference. According to experts, it’s safe to say that a person suffers from generalized anxiety disorder if their excessive and chronic worrying lasts at least six months.

So, if you can’t get rid of the following symptoms for half a year or more, it’s safe to say that you’re suffering from dating anxiety.

1. Pensar demasiado en tu relación.

¿Alguna vez te has sorprendido a ti mismo pensando literalmente cada palabra que dice tu pareja? ¿Han pensado realmente lo que han dicho?

¿O estaban jugando? ¿Te han dicho hoy suficientes veces que te quieren? Si lo han hecho, ¿lo decían de verdad? ¿O te lo han dicho sólo para calmarte?

Incluso entras en detalles sobre el tono de su voz. Si te tutean, algo debe de ir mal.

And, l won’t even go into the ways you analyze every move they make.

Didn’t they look at you weirdly this morning right after they woke up? Isn’t that sign enough that they no longer find you attractive?

If they don’t pick up their phone the instant you call, hell will break loose.

You don’t have to necessarily tell them anything about your doubts. Nevertheless, I’m sure you’ll spend the rest of your day thinking about them.

Las opciones son prácticamente infinitas. Tal vez se cansaron de ti. Tal vez they’re being unfaithful. Tal vez hiciste algo para que se enfadaran.

¿Algo de esto le resulta familiar? Si la respuesta es afirmativa, definitivamente tienes uno de los primeros síntomas del trastorno de ansiedad en las relaciones.

You’re simply incapable of letting things be. You have to dissect every little thing in your relationship.

You analyze everything to the core. And, do you know what’s the worst part? You’re never happy with the conclusion.

2. Doubting your partner’s feelings.

It’s perfectly normal to doubt the other person’s intentions and emotions when they’re clearly playing with you. You have a boyfriend or a girlfriend who keeps on sending you mixed signals, doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship, or plays hot and cold games.

In that case, it’s natural that you don’t know where you stand.

Pero, ¿qué hay de sentirse así en un relación sana? En ese caso, tenemos un problema.

If you look at your romantic relationship from the outside, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You have no reason to question your partner’s fidelity, feelings, or intentions about you.

Truth be told, they never did anything to make you doubt them. Besides, you’ve been together for a pretty long time now.

¿Debería dudar de ellos?

Let’s look at things realistically: why would they spend years next to someone they don’t give a damn about?

Yes, this is exactly what your mind is telling you. Nevertheless, you can’t seem to chase your negative thoughts away either.

No matter how great they’re treating you, the truth is that you expect them to break up with you every second.

Puedes estar disfrutando como nunca, pero de repente te preguntas si te quieren de verdad. In that case, you’re probably struggling with relationship OCD, characterized by intrusive thoughts.

And, the nightmare doesn’t stop there.

Seguro que no dejas de preguntarle a tu pareja si se ha desenamorado de ti, cuánto te quiere y si te seguiría queriendo aunque te quedaras paralítico o algo así.

Entras en los escenarios más oscuros posibles y les preguntas si encontrarían a alguien nuevo si murieras, y cosas así.

Acting out when you don’t get the response you expect is nothing unusual either. You have trouble controlling your emotions as much as you try to.

Let me break it to you: all of these questions annoy the hell out of them. They just want you to realize that they wouldn’t have stuck around if they didn’t love you, period.

3. Esperar el peor resultado posible.

Everything will fall apart sooner or later. Your partner will break up with you; they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to do so.

They’ll understand that you’re easily replaceable, and they’ll find someone better. They’ll break your heart into pieces and leave you crushed. You’ll never find a new relationship, and you’ll die alone and miserable.

This is your thought pattern… I can bet my life on it. Nunca ves lo bueno de las cosas y siempre esperas el peor resultado posible.

It’s like this with little things as well. If you two get in the middle of a silliest fight, you expect it to be the end of your long-term relationship.

If your SO listens to a sad song, you assume they’re reminiscing about their past relationship.

I know what you’re about to tell me. You’re preparing yourself for the darkest scenario so you don’t get too shocked if it really happens. And, if things turn out to be good, never mind… you’ll just welcome them openhandedly.

But, honey, trust me that this is not the way to protect your heart from getting broken. You’re torturing yourself with this negative thinking while you could be enjoying life.

4. Temor al rechazo y al abandono.

What’s the worst possible thing that could happen to those who experience relationship anxiety? Ser abandonado or rejected, that’s right.

I’m not talking about intimate relationships here only. Whether you like to admit it or not, you get a panic attack when you picture a loved one walking away from you.

Pero, por supuesto, estos sentimientos de ansiedad te afectan más cuando piensas en que tu SO te abandone.

Piensas que sería el fin del mundo. De repente, tu vida carecería de sentido y todo lo demás perdería significado.

And, the worst part is that you have no real reason to think that way. You’re just terrified of that idea.

But, hey, let’s dig into that fear a little deeper. What if they really do? What if they leave you?

¿Morirías? ¿Sería tu fin?

I promise you that you’ll survive. Yes, you’d probably have a hard time getting over them, but trust me, you would keep on living.

5. Autosabotaje.

People who sabotage themselves are subconsciously ruining their romantic relationships. You’re probably not even aware of doing this, but if you’re guilty of self-sabotage, you’ll put walls around you.

Basically, you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship. Exposing your true emotions and letting the other person in all the way means giving them the opportunity to hurt you.

And, that’s the last thing you’re ready to do. So, you put up barriers and don’t become overly intimate with the other person.

Of course, I’m not talking about physical intimacy here. I’m talking about the fact that you don’t share your true feelings, fears, and hopes in order to keep them out.

Otra forma habitual de sabotearse a uno mismo es romper la relación de repente.

Basically, you leave your partner at the first sign of trouble. Do you do it because you think your relationship isn’t worth fighting for? Or, is it because you think you should have never started dating them in the first place?

No. You do it so they don’t have the chance to break up with you first. When that happens, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You knew things would end anyhow, didn’t you? Well, this proves that you were right all along.

6. Problemas de confianza profundamente arraigados.

Puedes ser feliz, relación comprometida that lasts for years without any special turmoil; however, regardless of this, you don’t trust your partner.

You don’t think they’re faithful, even though you’ve never found any evidence to prove your point. You don’t think they’re telling the truth, even though you’ve never caught them lying.

You’re convinced that they’re not being honest about their previous relationships, and you don’t believe they love you.

On the contrary, you think they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to backstab you and ruin your life once and for all.

Compruebas obsesivamente sus redes sociales, aprovechas cualquier oportunidad para revisar su teléfono y vuelves a comprobar todo lo que te dicen. Tus celos posesivos están pasando factura a tu salud mental y a tu relación.

Si este es el caso, está claro que tienes serios problemas de confianza en los que tienes que empezar a trabajar de inmediato. Tener cuidado es una cosa, pero vivir con esta paranoia es completamente diferente.

7. Codependencia emocional.

The harsh truth is that you don’t love your partner in a healthy way. You’re actually addicted to them and to your relationship.

How can you test this? Well, you’re certain that the end of your romance would mean your spiritual death.

You’re so clingy that you can’t stand being away from your SO for a minute. If it were up to you, you two would spend literally every moment of your day together.

When you get into an argument, you get into a real crisis. You can’t breathe and you can’t think straight.

You feel that you need this person like you need air to breathe. You’re lost without them, and you’re ready to do whatever it takes to keep them around.

Pero esto no es el final. They’re the only ones who have the power to dictate your entire mood and wellness.

Everything could be going great in your life, but if you’re not on good terms with your partner, you have no will to live. On the other hand, if things are good in your relationship, the entire world could collapse right in front of you. But, guess what: you wouldn’t give a damn.

Tu autoestima depende totalmente de su validación. Si te felicitan por tu aspecto o tus logros, tu autoestima se dispara. Pero si te critican por algo, te sientes inmediatamente el mayor fracasado del mundo.

Well, my dear, that means that you’re emocionalmente dependiente sobre esta persona.

8. Fobia al compromiso.

Most will assume that commitment is a must for those who are suffering from relationship anxiety. Surprise, surprise, but things don’t always go in that direction.

De hecho, a muchas personas ansiosas les aterrorizan las relaciones comprometidas. En realidad, padecen una enfermedad llamada fobia al compromiso.

You’re not afraid of someone limiting your freedom or taking your independence away. You’re scared of getting overly exposed when things become too serious.

¿Y si te enamoras? ¿Y si empiezas a querer a esa persona más de lo que te quieres a ti mismo? ¿Y si las cosas van cuesta abajo? ¿Y si la pierdes después de haberte acostumbrado a su presencia?

You think it’s better to keep things casual. That way, you won’t get too attached, and you will face a smaller risk of getting your heart broken.

Besides, you can’t lose what you don’t have, can you?

4 causas de la ansiedad en las citas.

No todo el mundo tiene los mismos síntomas de ansiedad en las relaciones. Tampoco nadie la padece por el mismo motivo. He aquí las posibles causas de este trastorno.

1. Estilo de apego ansioso insano.

En pocas palabras, tu estilo de apego describe la forma en que conectas con otras personas. Por lo tanto, un estilo de apego poco saludable puede ser una de las causas principales de este tipo de ansiedad.

Estos estilos de vinculación se remontan al tipo de apego que se tenía con los padres o el cuidador principal cuando se era niño.

If you developed an anxious attachment style, then you’ve had unpredictable parents who didn’t meet your emotional needs. They behaved inconsistently in a way that they loved you at one point, but then neglected you the very next moment.

It’s easy to develop trust issues and fear of abandonment in this kind of environment. You’re incapable of being alone, and you’re emotionally dependent on your partner, which brings you to relationship anxiety.

An avoidant attachment style is typical for children whose emotional needs aren’t met. These people have trouble opening up, talking about their feelings, and committing.

Por otro lado, existe un estilo de apego seguro. En este caso, los padres dan consuelo a sus hijos y, al mismo tiempo, fomentan su independencia.

Las personas con un estilo de apego seguro rara vez desarrollan ansiedad social, tienen una autoestima alta y, al fin y al cabo, tienen más posibilidades de construir romances felices.

2. Abandono o maltrato previos.

Nos guste o no, todos llevamos nuestro equipaje emocional a cuestas. Tus relaciones anteriores influyen en tu nueva relación más de lo que crees.

Yes, I’m primarily talking about intimate relationships here. Nevertheless, sometimes, you have to dig deeper and go back to the first relationship you ever had: the one with your caregiver.

Si alguna vez se sintió poco querido, no deseado y desatendido emocionalmente en alguna de sus relaciones anteriores, tiene más posibilidades de desarrollar ansiedad en las relaciones.

Esperas que cada relación que inicies acabe como la anterior. Los recuerdos del pasado desencadenan tus pensamientos ansiosos.

Buscas banderas rojas en tu relación actual para poder huir y salvar tu vida antes de que llegue al abandono o al abuso. Your negative thoughts are there because you’re terrified of history repeating itself.

As painful as this is to hear, the truth is that you’re used to getting abandoned. It’s the only scenario you’re familiar with, so it’s no wonder you expect it all the time.

3. Tendencia a pensar demasiado.

Overthinking is in your blood. You don’t analyze your relationship only; you’re pretty much the same about everything in life.

No matter what you’re going through, you always expect the worst. Pessimism overwhelms you, and you don’t remember the last time your negative thoughts weren’t haunting you.

Pensar demasiado forma parte de tu personalidad y, por supuesto, lo trasladas también a tus relaciones sentimentales. Piensas demasiado, amas demasiado y te preocupas demasiado por todo, y menos por algo tan importante.

4. Problemas de autoestima.

Finally, problems with low self-esteem can be one of the things that cause your relationship anxiety. For whatever reason, you think that you’re not good enough.

Your sense of self-worth is distorted. You don’t think you deserve anyone’s love and attention.

Consequently, you wonder why your romantic partner would stay by your side. If you don’t see yourself as attractive, intelligent, interesting, and valuable, how can you expect them to think that of you?

Asumes que todo el mundo te ve a través de tus propios ojos.

Basically, the relationship you have with yourself is not a quality one. Therefore, it’s impossible to develop a healthy relationship with anyone else.

¿Cómo puedo acabar con la ansiedad por las relaciones?

Si quieres curar tu ansiedad de la forma más sana posible, tienes que seguir estos pasos:

1. Identificar la causa principal.

The first thing you must do is figure out what’s the cause of this issue you’re struggling with.

¿Es tu estilo de apego? ¿Es tu carga emocional? ¿Es tu autosabotaje y tu profecía autocumplida? ¿O es tu baja autoestima?

You can’t work on resolving your problem until you get to the bottom of it.

Analice cada una de las causas mencionadas y vea con cuál se relaciona más. Después de hacerlo, céntrate en solucionar ese problema antes que cualquier otra cosa.

2. Practica tus habilidades de comunicación.

The next step is to work on your communication skills. I’m not talking about learning how to talk to your partner in a healthy way only.

Primarily, I’m asking you to learn how to talk to yourself. Learn how to admit your emotions to yourself, and most importantly, learn how not to judge yourself for feeling something.

When it comes to your SO, what matters is to tell them what you’re dealing with. Don’t be ashamed to name your problem and to talk about the signs of relationship anxiety you experience.

I’m not advising you to talk about this on the first date. After all, it’s quite an intimate matter, and you shouldn’t open yourself up that much to this new person you’ve just met.

No obstante, if you’re in a serious relationship, it’s something to discuss with your partner. Fear not… I promise that you won’t chase them away.

On the contrary, they’ll be relieved once they finally understand what’s behind some of your behavior patterns.

3. Aprende a controlar tus emociones.

Rara vez alguien puede hacerse cargo plenamente de sus emociones y dejar de dejar que las cosas les molesten. We’re human beings, not robots.

However, it would be good if you could evolve to the point where they don’t control you either. The trick is to learn how to look past the emotion you have at this point.

I’ll give you an example. Just because you’re angry at your partner at this moment doesn’t make your entire relationship worthless.

You shouldn’t allow that negativity to overwhelm you, especially not to the point where you forget all the good things you share outside of this situation.

La mejor forma de evitar que las cosas te molesten es a través del mindfulness; un método de meditación que te ayuda a relajar todos tus sentidos.

4. Trabaja en tu felicidad fuera de la relación.

Your relationship should make you happy, but it shouldn’t be the only source of your happiness.

¿Y si se cumple la peor de las hipótesis? ¿Permitirás que esa persona te quite toda la alegría de tu vida?

As long as you’re doing that, you’ll continue to struggle with relationship anxiety. Pero, cuando aprendas la importancia de ponerte en primer lugar en tu propia vida, las cosas cambiarán drásticamente.

That’s why you have to build your life outside of your romance. No, don’t neglect your partner, but don’t forget to be a person and not just their boyfriend or girlfriend.

I’m not telling you to prepare yourself for the worst scenario, but always make sure you have a life you can come back to if your relationship happens to fail. Hazte feliz pase lo que pase.

5. Aprende a quererte a ti mismo.

You can’t expect others to love you when you don’t love yourself. Actually, even if you get all the love in this world from the outside, it’ll never be enough.

What you must do is stop connecting your sense of self-worth with someone else’s validation. You have to understand that you’re worthy of everyone’s love, especially your own.

Don’t worry…quiérete a ti mismo over your partner is not selfish; it’s how things should roll. Practicing self-care and prioritizing your own happiness is not ego-centric; it’s how we should all behave.

4. Pide ayuda.

What if you’ve reached the point when nothing helps? Well, this means that it’s time to ask for help.

Yes, you can try asking your partner, a friend, or a family member to give you a hand. Nevertheless, always keep in mind that they’re not trained professionals. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to help you; sometimes, they just won’t know how to do it.

Lo mejor que puedes hacer es hablar con un profesional de la salud mental que te guíe a lo largo de todo el proceso de curación.

You’ll probably engage in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), where your counselor will eventually help you change your thoughts, habits, and behavior patterns.

¿Cómo afronta la ansiedad en las relaciones?

Lo más importante aquí es tomarse en serio el problema, pero al mismo tiempo no verlo como algo que no puede resolverse. Be aware of the issue you’re dealing with and the gravity of the situation, but also have hope that you’re strong enough to fight it.

The worst thing you can do here is panic about the fact that you’re panicking. I know that this is easier said than done, but please, know that this will only make things worse.

¿Cómo explico a mi pareja mi ansiedad por las relaciones?

If you’ve decided to share your problem with your partner, firstly, you have to explain what relationship anxiety is. Talk to them about the symptoms, possible causes, and most importantly, about the way it makes you feel.

Dígales que sabe que salir con alguien con ansiedad is not easy, but that you believe you’ll work things out together.

Be completely honest, but don’t forget to tell them that your condition doesn’t mean you love them any less! Of course, don’t forget to work on your communication skills before doing the talk.

Para terminar:

I just want you to know that you’re not alone. In fact, you’d be surprised by the number of people who are struggling with relationship anxiety.

Pero, ¿sabes qué te hace especial? The fact that you’ve admitted that you have a problem, and the fact that you’re willing to solve it.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, would you? You’ve already made the first, hardest step, and you should be proud of yourself for it!