Así es como aprendí a vivir sin ti

It was hard. It took me quite some time to do this but I finally decided to let you go. You might be thinking that it’s not done yet and that I’ll be back, that the voices in my head will convince me to give it one more shot, but you’re wrong. This is it. I’m done with you.

Let me remind you that you were never there for me when I needed you. And I did need you. A lot. But somehow everything was more important than I was. Was it that hard to help me when I asked you to? You remember that time when my family member died? All you could do was send me a text message telling me that you’d get home late. Or maybe that time you didn’t come to take me to the hospital when I was sick?

Tu excusa siempre fue que estaba demasiado necesitada y que tenía que ir más despacio.

Finally, I can say that it wasn’t my fault.

Cuando miro atrás, veo a una niña desesperada y obsesionada con la idea del amor, sin ver siquiera lo que ocurría a su alrededor. That little girl was nothing but confused, thinking that love should hurt. That’s the way it all works, right?

You were always yelling and screaming at me, telling me that I didn’t deserve you anyway, that you were much better than I could ever be. You were right. You were much better than me, better at a game that I didn’t want to participate in. That game of running, hiding and avoiding feelings that I didn’t want to play.

I’m just so sorry for the next amazing girl you will break. Quizá sea un poco más lista que yo y se dé cuenta de tus mentiras y manipulaciones.

To tell you the truth, I found out the password on your phone, and I scrolled through your messages. I know it wasn’t something I should’ve done but you never usually left it anywhere out of your sight and all the times I saw you smiling flirtatiously at it, those actions made me paranoid. For a reason, too, as I would learn later on.

Mensajes y fotos de mujeres desnudas. It wasn’t like I didn’t expect it but it did shock me for a moment. The next thing I knew, my heart was being crushed into tiny, little pieces. Nothing of me was left. I cried for days and nights, but you didn’t call me. You never called me. You never texted me unless I texted you first. So I simply didn’t bother anymore.

Nuestra cafetería favorita al final de la calle ya no significaba nada para mí, pero fui allí sola una vez más para despedirme del lugar donde nos conocimos. Por desgracia, estabas allí con tu nueva novia (o lo que fuera para ti) y te acercaste a mí, probablemente para darle celos, preguntándome dónde había estado los últimos días.

No. No, I wasn’t going to cry. I won’t cry ever again because of you. As devastated as I may be, I won’t cry!

Lloré. Delante de ti. Mucho.

Pensaste que estaba siendo raro así que lo único que hice fue irme del café, dejándote solo. Para siempre.

You see, I went through phases where I didn’t want to get out of my bed. I didn’t want to eat anything except chocolate and I didn’t care what was going to happen to me.

People usually go through this when they get disappointed in someone they love. I didn’t expect it to come from you.

Así que, adiós, para siempre.

Me levanté with the help of my friends and with the realization that it wasn’t worth crying over and it wasn’t worth all those sad days that I spent in my room.

Nowadays, when I see you, my heart still skips a beat. It simply isn’t getting over you. But I’ve learned to live with it. Because I’m a strong woman. I don’t need you to make me feel safe and sound! All I need in my life is myself. It took me a long time to realize that.

I hear my friends, the most important people in my life right now, telling me how they see you on the street and sometimes they say Hi to you. But that doesn’t mean anything to me.

I have new hobbies! I even adopted a little puppy. He is the warmth I need. Can’t you see? I’m doing amazing without you! With all these projects and things going on around me, I’m doing well.

I’ve escaped into my work and self-improvement. I escaped. Yes.

And I hope you won’t find me ever again.