Cómo separarse emocionalmente de alguien: 14 pasos para lograrlo

A pesar de la creencia popular, lo más difícil de ruptura con su ser querido no es acostumbrarse a la vida sin él ni a la angustia por la que pasa.

It’s being left with the question: ¿Cómo separarme de alguien que significa mucho para mí?

Well, Khalil Gibran once said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

In other words, you can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that you should become emotionally dependent on them.

De hecho, cada romance en el que dos personas emocionalmente codependiente es una mala relación.

Well, if you’re wondering how to detach from someone who is no longer with you, here is a detailed step-by-step guide through your detachment process.

1. Accept that it’s over

Antes de desvincularse con éxito de alguien o incluso de averiguar cómo desvincularse emocionalmente, lo primero y más importante es aceptar la realidad.

Your bad relationship is over. Yes, it was bad and that’s why terminó.

I know that this isn’t easy. Your heart is broken and you think that you don’t have the strength to face the painful truth.

Instead, you live in denial. You keep hoping that this is not the end and that you don’t have to go through the process of emotional detachment.

Well, the number one mistake most people make when they end any relationship (and this especially goes for romances) is that they start obsessing on getting their ex – whom they still love – back.

I get it. You miss this person badly and at this initial point, you’d do everything in your power to reconcile with them.

Así que te pasas semanas o incluso meses intentando que vuelvan sutilmente o incluso les suplicas abiertamente que te den otra oportunidad.

Esperas pacientemente a ver su número de teléfono en tu pantalla y pones tu vida en espera, esperando que esa persona vuelva.

I’m not here to give you lectures about your self-worth and why this is something you should never do for multiple reasons. In fact, I’ll just warn you about one thing.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, after a while you’ll turn around and see that you haven’t actually moved an inch – that your state of mind is exactly the same as it was the first day of your breakup.

Despite the fact that this person has been physically absent from your life for some time, you feel like you’ve just lost them.

You keep on expecting their phone call or text message where they tell you they can’t live without you.

That is exactly why it’s crucial not to waste any of your time on running from the truth or on trying to change something that can’t be fixed.

Instead of putting all of your strength into getting this person back, make a decision that, from this moment onward, you’ll start your healing process.

2. Dar pasos de bebé

I won’t lie to you – emotional detachment and complete peace of mind can’t come overnight.

Kicking out someone from your life physically is not easy. However, it’s a piece of cake in comparison to throwing them out of your heart, mind, and soul.

Ordering your emotions and thoughts is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. In fact, some even consider it impossible.

Well, that’s not true. This is definitely possible, but it is a process that involves a lot of time, energy, effort, devotion, and – most importantly – patience.

Therefore, you won’t accomplish anything if you rush yourself through this journey.

En lugar de ser duro contigo mismo y esperar milagros de la noche a la mañana, da pequeños pasos y ve día a día.

Of course, there are a lot of people who are convinced that they’ve managed to emotionally detach themselves from someone in a blink of an eye.

However, that is not possible. In fact, in this case, it’s likely that nunca amaron la persona de la que intentaban desprenderse de verdad.

What is even more probable is that they’ve just repressed their emotions, which is certainly not a healthy way to deal with things.

They’ve done everything in a hurry, but all of their feelings will come flooding back sooner or later, when they least expect it to.

Por lo tanto, si quiere evitar este tipo de destino, olvídese de intentar esconder las cosas debajo de la alfombra, ya que esta práctica le traerá más perjuicios que beneficios a largo plazo.

En lugar de eso, deja que el tiempo haga su magia y ve paso a paso.

3. Permítete hacer el duelo

Romper con alguien y el desapego emocional que suele seguir siempre va de la mano de un montón de en duelo.

Pues bien, otro error que también cometen muchas personas es que intentan evitar esta fase.

This is perfectly understandable. After all, there’s not one person on this planet who enjoys pasando por un desamor.

A nadie le gusta hurgar en sus heridas emocionales y arriesgarse a ahondarlas aún más. Sin embargo, esto también es una parte vital del proceso de dejar ir de la forma más sana posible.

Por lo tanto, en lugar de evitar que todo su dolor aflore, haga todo lo contrario.

Don’t provoke it intentionally, but if you sense a wave of sadness coming, don’t try shutting it down.

Embrace your pain and see it as something completely normal. Don’t let it define you, but accept that you’re just a human being made out of flesh and blood and that you’re allowed to suffer.

Don’t think of yourself as weak for feeling this way either. If you have the urge to scream or cry, that’s exactly what you should do.

Of course, this type of behavior shouldn’t become a habit of yours. After all, you can’t keep on living like this forever, can you?

That’s exactly why you should give yourself a deadline. Determine a date until which you’re allowed to grieve.

You’re the one who knows yourself the best, so you’re also the only one who can at least predict the amount of time your heart will need to recover.

Hasta esa fecha, afronta tu dolor como te dé la gana.

You don’t have to be smart and play your cards right during this period; just do whatever is easiest for you (except contacting the person you’re learning how to emotionally detach from).

Una vez transcurrido ese tiempo, ponte las pilas y esfuérzate por dejarlo todo.

4. Cortar todos los lazos

I’m sure you’ve already heard about the (in)famous norma de no contacto. Es una técnica que la gente suele aplicar para conseguir que sus ex vuelvan a sus vidas.

Basically, you cut all possible ties with this person for 30 to 90 days. No phone calls, no WhatsApp messages, no texting… If that doesn’t work, you even go as far as changing your phone number.

Les das la oportunidad de sentir tu ausencia y empezar a echarte de menos, y te das a ti mismo mucho tiempo para ordenar tus pensamientos y averiguar qué y a quién quieres realmente.

Well, when you’re trying to detach yourself from someone, you’ll also cut all ties with them. Basically, you’ll go no contact with this person.

However, your no contact period is not temporary. Also, it’s not meant to serve as a tactic towards reconciliation.

Instead, it’s one of the steps towards your moving on for good.

Yes, I know we’re talking about emotional detachment here. Nevertheless, this is utterly impossible without physical detachment.

Para echar a alguien de tu sistemaprimero tienes que echarlos de tu vida. Y cuando digo echar, lo digo en serio.

Básicamente, no hay ninguna opción en la que vosotros dos sigáis siendo los mejores amigos.

I know you want to be polite and you probably love this person as a human being before you see them as a romantic partner, but you can’t expect to over get over them if you stay on friendly terms.

Por lo tanto, esto significa que usted simplemente debe romper todas las conexiones con esta persona. No hay mensajes de texto casuales, salir a tomar un café, desear feliz cumpleaños o ponerse al día.

Sounds radical, I know. But it’s the only way for you to accept it’s really over, and save your mental and emotional health.

You see, staying in touch with someone you’re trying to forget equals reopening your wounds every time you have any kind of contact with them.

It’s moving forward one step and going back two, which is not your desired result.

Besides, you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Just based on this, it’s apparent that you have a way better chance of detaching yourself if you go no contact.

5. Deshacerse de los recordatorios

However, cutting all ties usually means much more than just going no contact with someone you’re sadly still attached to.

It’s not enough to change your phone number, unfollow them on social media, block them on WhatsApp, and refrain from talking to them on a regular basis.

In fact, if you really want to know how to emotionally detach and achieve complete peace of mind, you’ll have to get rid of everything and everyone that might remind you of this person, as well.

If you two were in a long term relationship (we’re even talking about an ex husband or wife here), it’s perfectly natural that a lot of things and people around you are connected with this person.

Lo mejor sería que al menos te distanciaras de todos ellos. Sobre todo de tus amigos íntimos.

I know that you’ve grown to love these people, but the last thing you need is someone who will keep on talking about your ex and your memories together.

Besides, whether you like to admit it or not, you’ll always wonder if these people will talk to them about you and if they can serve you as a channel towards them.

Tienes que admitir que esto es lo último que necesitas si realmente quieres seguir adelante.

Therefore, the best thing would be to cut all ties with these people as well – at least for a certain period of time until you get better.

Don’t worry: If they’re your amigos de verdad, they’ll understand your situation. They won’t pressure you into seeing them; they’ll give you all the time you need.

On the other hand, if you’re coworkers with your ex, things can get a little tricky and breaking up is more difficult.

En ese caso, haz todo lo posible por mantener una relación estrictamente profesional y, si es posible, intenta encontrar otro trabajo.

Lo mismo ocurre con los recordatorios físicos de tu relación fallida.

Ante todo, deje de visitar los lugares que usted y su ex frecuentaban. Esto es especialmente importante cuando se trata de clubes, centros comerciales, parques o cafeterías donde esperas encontrarte con ellos.

La segunda parte consiste en eliminar todas tus fotos y recuerdos juntos de tus redes sociales y otros entornos.

When it comes to this person’s gifts and other things that remind you of them, you don’t have to throw away all of it.

Además, llegará un día en que cada una de estas cosas te pondrá una sonrisa en la cara en lugar de hacerte llorar.

Por lo tanto, lo mejor es guardar algunos pequeños recordatorios, pero ocultárselo a uno mismo hasta que pase el periodo crítico.

Another significant thing here is music. While you’re in the grieving stage, you’ll probably listen to a lot of sad songs on a regular basis to help you release your sadness.

However, in this phase, you should do your best not to listen to any songs that might remind you of the person you’re trying to emotionally detach yourself from.

6. Deja de idealizar tu relación

The next step in your emotional detachment process is all about you idealizing your past relationship (or marriage, if we’re talking about your ex husband or wife).

Don’t worry: You’re not the only one doing this.

De hecho, se trata de una práctica habitual entre las personas que sufren una ruptura. Crees que tu relación es mucho mejor de lo que era en realidad.

Usted echa de menos a tu ex boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you’ve forgotten all about your arguments and everything bad regarding your relationship.

En cambio, sólo recuerdas los días bonitos y lo idealizas aún más.

Desde este punto de vista, lo que vosotros dos teníais era un tipo de amor único. Teníais un vínculo especial, una conexión kármica.

You’re convinced that this person is your only soulmate and the only man or woman you’ll ever love this much.

Well, let me tell you that this is all pain talking. I don’t doubt that you and your ex cared for each other, but trust me, it was a romantic relationship like every other.

You had your ups and downs. Besides, the bad days apparently outnumbered the good. After all, you broke up for a reason, didn’t you?

Therefore, I promise you that your relationship wasn’t as perfect as it now might seem. Your ex boyfriend or girlfriend has their own set of flaws, and I assure you that you’ll find someone better than them.

I’m not saying that you should forget everything nice you shared with this person either.

En lugar de eso, intenta ver las cosas de la forma más realista posible, y te resultará más fácil superar todo este calvario.

7. Recuerda que puedes sobrevivir sin nadie

So, you’re in a situation where you’re wondering how to detach from someone once you’ve built an emotional codependency with them.

Esto sucede a menudo en las relaciones con narcisistas.

These people convince you that you’re completely worthless without them and that breaking up with them never means breaking emotionally free from them.

You come to believe that you can’t make it without them, that you need them to continue existing.

Te convences de que esa persona es el centro de tu universo, de que tu vida sin ella no tendría sentido y de que tu bienestar depende de ella.

Así que, naturalmente, cuando pierdes a tu ser querido, que era el Sol para tu Tierra, sientes que también has perdido toda tu autoestima (aunque te dieras cuenta de que estabas tratando con un narcisista).

Tu estado de ánimo cambia hasta el punto de pensar que la única forma de seguir funcionando correctamente es hacer todo lo que esté en tu mano para recuperarlos.

Bien, el punto clave en tu proceso de desapego emocional es darte cuenta de que nada de lo mencionado anteriormente es cierto.

You don’t need your ex – you chose them to be a part of your life. Actually, as self-centered as this might sound, the truth is that you don’t need anyone to survive. No one but yourself, of course.

After all, you lived and existed before this person came along. So, what makes you think that you can’t keep on doing that now that they’re gone?

Please, don’t forget that you’re stronger than you might think. Even if things don’t appear that way now, trust me that you’re more independent and self-sufficient than you think.

Ten fe en que puedes lograrlo y lo conseguirás.

No, realizing all of this won’t magically make you forget all about this person, nor will it shut all of your feelings off just like that. The truth is that you’ll probably still miss them.

However, you won’t be emotionally attached to them anymore, which is the entire point, right?

8. Obtenga el fuerza para perdonarlos…

Most people think that emotional attachment has to mean that you only love this person we’re talking about. Well, the fact is, things are usually much more complicated than that.

In fact, when you’re in this kind of state, it’s pretty normal for you to feel all sorts of emotions.

One day, you love them and want them back, the next you hate them for leaving you, the day after that you think you’re finally over them, and so it goes on.

Don’t worry, this is nothing unusual and it doesn’t make you crazy. In fact, it’s just your brain and heart’s system of dealing with this roller-coaster you got yourself onto.

Basically, the point is that it doesn’t matter how you feel for your ex. The bottom line is the same: they exist inside of you, one way or another.

It’s pretty much the same if you love them or hate them. Either way, you’re still emotionally attached to them and need help letting them go.

That’s why you have to get the strength to forgive this person, even if it’s the last thing they deserve.

Necesitas dejar ir el resentimiento y los rencores si quieres dejar ir todos los sentimientos que tienes hacia ellos.

You’ll simply have to find a way to surpass the anger and the bitterness. Trust me: it’s the only way for you to set yourself free.

Be the better person and accept even the apologies you didn’t get. This won’t be easy, but it’s necessary for your healing process.

9. …and yourself

Y lo que es más importante, tienes que encontrar la fuerza para perdónate a ti mismo. You see, sometimes you’re not emotionally attached to your ex – you’re still hung up on the person you were with them.

No, I’m not referring to the happy person you were back then. I’m talking about the fact that maybe you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself for not being smarter and for not knowing better.

Maybe you’re angry at yourself for still loving someone who obviously doesn’t deserve it.

Either way, the point is that you need to remember one thing: You just followed your feelings. You only broke your own heart and you’re not responsible for someone’s misfortune.

Por lo tanto, no tienes que perdonarte absolutamente nada. Recuerda que estas cosas ocurren y que pasar por algo así forma parte de la vida.

Por favor, deja de ser tan dura contigo misma y date un respiro.

10. Saber que esto pasará

El siguiente paso es no ver esta situación como el fin del mundo. Sé optimista y sabe que esto pasará.

This is just a phase in your life – not a permanent state. You will get over it and sanarás, even though it doesn’t look that way now.

Lo peor que puedes hacer es perder la esperanza. Si pierdes la fe en ti mismo, todo esto será mucho más difícil.

Trust me, you’re not the only one to go through something like this. In fact, I bet that there’s not a person alive who hasn’t experienced something similar.

Look, I’ll be completely honest with you here. This is probably not the last time you’ll be asking yourself how to detach from someone.

You’re likely to fall in love with someone new in the future, and there is a possibility that you’ll have trouble forgetting them and detaching from them too.

Sin embargo, también pasará, al igual que esta experiencia. Mañana siempre es un nuevo día y hay a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t see one.

11. Mantente ocupado

Otro aspecto importante es mantenerse lo más ocupado posible.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to tell you that you should run away from your feelings into overwhelming yourself with loads of work and other obligations.

However, if you’re sitting around and doing nothing, it’s more likely that your thoughts will end up drifting to where they shouldn’t go.

Whether you like it or not, when you’re bored, you’ll start thinking about your ex and catch yourself preoccupied with them again.

Por lo tanto, la mejor manera de evitar esto es tener todo el día lleno si quieres dejar de obsesionarse sobre esta persona.

Para empezar, inicia una actividad física. Ve al gimnasio, haz ejercicio en casa, únete al club de senderismo o haz cualquier cosa que canse a tu cuerpo.

First and foremost, this is one of the best ways to get rid of all of that anger you’ve got pent up deep inside. Also, I promise you that your mind will follow your body sooner than you might think.

When you’re physically exhausted, you have a better sleeping schedule and you simply have no strength left to think about someone you shouldn’t be thinking about.

Además, una buena forma de mantenerse ocupado es encontrar una nueva afición. Esta nueva afición puede incluir aprender un nuevo idioma, dominar una nueva habilidad, unirse al club de lectura o tomar clases de arte.

It wouldn’t be bad if you could get in touch with some of your old friends either.

I know that you’re probably scared of their reaction, since you’ve been ignoring them while you were in a relationship, but you can always try reaching out to them.

After all, you’ve got nothing to lose. Besides, I have a pretty good feeling that they’ll understand you and take you back.

12. Redirige esta energía hacia ti

When you’re emotionally attached to someone who is no longer physically present in your life, you spend a lot of time and energy thinking about them.

Of course you want to avoid this, but you feel like you just can’t help yourself.

No matter what you do, you can’t help but wonder where this person is, how they are, and whether they also feel the emotional connection you do.

No sólo eso, también gastabas mucha energía en tu ex mientras estabais juntos.

Hiciste todo lo que pudiste para salvar tu relación, aunque había una parte de ti que sabía que estaba condenada al fracaso.

After that, you’ve spent ages crying and lamenting the loss of someone who is still alive. Basically, your feelings for this person have become your be-all and end-all.

Well, now it’s time to change that. And the best way to do so is to redirect all of the time you’ve been giving to your ex towards yourself.

Reanima toda esa energía y empieza a invertirla en la única persona que se la merece: tú.

For starters, do your best to start loving yourself the way you love your ex. Start thinking about your life as much as you’ve thought about theirs, and taking care of yourself the same way you did them.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is to take your ex off this pedestal you’ve obviously put them on. Stop prioritizing them and switch places between you two.

Para variar, ponte a ti mismo y a tu propio bienestar en primer lugar. Deja de vincular toda tu existencia a esa persona y recuerda que tu pequeño universo gira a tu alrededor.

Trust me, your ex isn’t as important to you as they seem to be. You’re the most significant figure in your own life and the only one who really matters.

Therefore, you’re the one who deserves all the love in this world, your salud mental es lo primero, y no hay nada más importante que tu bienestar.

Please, use this time to build the person you’re destined to be. Grow and do everything in your power to become the best possible version of yourself.

Trabaja tu autoestima, date cuenta de la importancia del amor propio y desarrolla tu sentido de la autoestima.

Once you accomplish all of this, just like that, you’ll stop developing emotional codependency towards other people.

13. Aprender del pasado

Here’s the thing: As much as we’d like to, the fact is that nobody can change the past. So, the question is: What’s the point of obsessing so much over it?

That’s exactly what you’ve been doing. You’ve been dwelling on the past and completely disregarding the present and future.

Pues bien, en lugar de esta práctica (que puede ser peligrosa para tu salud mental), prueba a tomar unos lecciones from everything you’ve been through.

En primer lugar, toda esta experiencia debería enseñarte a no permitirte nunca depender emocionalmente de otra persona.

You can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that your entire world should stop turning if it happens that you lose them.

Another crucial lesson here is that you don’t actually need anyone but yourself. When you lose a loved one, you are convinced that you won’t be able to keep on living without them. But here you are.

So, I guess that you’re much stronger than you initially thought. You can take much more than you expected, and you have what it takes to go through life on your own, without anyone holding your hand.

Yes, you’re an independent and emotionally self-sufficient individual and don’t let anyone change that.

14. Pedir ayuda

Emotionally detaching yourself from a loved one is never easy. In fact, some people find themselves in a situation where they can’t cope with their feelings in this process on their own.

Si esto es algo con lo que te sientes identificada, hazme caso y pide ayuda a un familiar o amigo íntimo. Créeme, no tienes por qué avergonzarte de nada.

Créeme cuando te digo que cualquier carga se vuelve mucho más ligera cuando la compartes con otra persona. Lo mismo ocurre con este carga emocional you’ve been carrying around.

I’m not saying that a third person will magically wipe away your pain. However, sometimes just talking to your best friend or a close family member helps a lot.

It becomes a lot easier to deal with all of this once you know that you’re heard and that you’re not alone.

Also, some people around you have also been through something similar to what you’re going through right now. Believe me, their experiences can serve you well.

Por supuesto, cada uno de nosotros tiene su propio ritmo y forma de llevar las cosas. No obstante, la forma en que otros alcanzaron su meta y superaron el apego emocional puede servirnos al menos de inspiración.

Si nada te ayuda, no hay nada vergonzoso en preguntar a un profesional cómo desvincularse de alguien de forma saludable. Te deseo mucha suerte.